Before I Do(76)
“Can we bottle this moment? Before we look at the prices.” She made a comical grimace.
“Don’t think about it. It’s not every day you get engaged.”
“I’m just going to nip to the ladies’ before we choose,” she said, leaning in to kiss him as she stood up. As she walked away from the table, she felt a warm glow as though experiencing some internal hug. Did she deserve to be this happy? Had she ever imagined she’d be coming back from this holiday engaged? As she looked around at the incredible setting, she had to concede that Josh’s “planning approach” had some benefits.
The quickest way to the ladies’ was along the garden walkway, framed by a pergola covered in bright red bougainvillea. She turned to look further into the garden, and that’s when she saw it, down by the carp pond, a sculpture she recognized—a huge golden flower made of petals that looked like breasts. The sight of it sent a physical jolt of pain into her gut. Her eyes darted around in panic, as though Benedict might actually be there, her body unable to separate him from his work.
Audrey clutched her stomach and hurried to the hotel lobby, following the signs to the loos. Logically, she knew Benedict wasn’t there. It was only his sculpture, the exact sculpture he had shown her in his gallery all those years before—Bloom. As she sat in a cubicle, her heart racing, she felt the beginnings of a panic attack—her palms grew sweaty, the lights were too bright, the taps too loud.
She stumbled out of the toilets, her head spinning. Looking out at the packed restaurant and the busy terrace beyond, the challenge of walking past all these people and back to her table felt insurmountable. All she could hear was Benedict’s voice in her mind, reminding her that karma would come for her in the end, that the universe had not forgotten what she had done, the lives she had ruined. She turned, walked back along the corridor leading away from the restaurant, and went out the front door. She made her way around the side of the building and found a quiet, empty patio. She found a chair and sat with her head between her knees and tried to breathe.
Thoughts piled in, one on top of another. Wasn’t it strange that Benedict’s sculpture was here, on the very night she was celebrating her engagement? It felt like some prophetic warning. Quod severis metes—“As you sow, so shall you reap.” Why had she said yes? Weren’t they happy as they were? Why was Josh asking her now? She didn’t even know who she was yet, what if she changed and Josh didn’t like who she became? What if there was someone better out there for Josh, someone kinder, more intelligent, less selfish? What if Audrey never managed to unstick whatever it was that was stuck inside her? What if she was just like her mother? She closed her eyes, furious with her chaotic mind for sucking all the light out of this perfect day, like some monstrous black hole.
She sat up in the chair and tipped her head back to look up at the sky, her breath ragged as she searched for stability in her beloved stars.
44
Three Hours After I Didn’t
“So where do you live in London?” Audrey asked Fred, grasping for the safety of small talk. She had to say something, or people would notice and think it strange.
On the opposite side of the round table, Clara took her seat between Lawrence and Hillary. She had deposited the twins in a bedroom with her mother and was nipping out at tactical moments to check on them. As Clara arrived at the table, Audrey saw in her friend’s unblinking gaze the full horror of the seating arrangement sandwich she’d found herself in.
“I live in Muswell Hill,” Fred replied, his body tilted toward her. She remembered so much of what they had spoken about that day, but she knew so little about the basic details of his life. Audrey glanced up at him and saw the familiar faint scar by his eyebrow, the wild blond hair, the quizzical look in his green eyes. She breathed in the intoxicating smell of his skin. He really hadn’t changed at all.
“Josh mentioned you restore old things?” Audrey said.
“Yes, I run a small museum in North London, the Museum of Obsolescence. I collect and restore all sorts of technology that’s now fallen out of use—floppy disk drives, typewriters, photo booths. I like to rescue things that might otherwise be destroyed, the casualties of progress. You should come and visit.”
“It sounds intriguing.” Audrey paused. “We actually hired a vintage booth for tonight.”
“I love those old machines. They always make me think of you.”
“Shhh,” she hushed him. “Don’t.”
Audrey’s eyes darted around the faces at their table as she checked that no one was listening. Hillary reached across Fred to top up her champagne glass. He seemed uncharacteristically relaxed about having been demoted from his place beside her. Vivien was sitting between Brian and Lawrence, which now did not feel like an accidental seating arrangement. On Josh’s right, Miranda leaned a cheek on her fist and gazed doe-eyed up at Paul, who was amusing her and Josh by doing a puppet show with the bread rolls. Was everyone at this table lusting after someone they hadn’t come with?
“So, Audrey, do you think the universe is trying to tell you not to marry Josh?” Jay called across the table, giving Josh a wink to let him know he was joking.
“Hello to you too, Jay,” said Audrey, feeling herself blush. “And no, I think the universe has got better things to do. Like making sure your hair stays perfectly vertical at the front.” They made playful faces at each other.