Before I Do(71)

“I’m sorry I embarrassed you in front of your friends,” she said, suddenly contrite.

“You could never embarrass me.” He sighed. “I was just worried about you.”

“I had a headache. It came on suddenly and it was painful to talk to people, I just needed some quiet,” she said.

“Why didn’t you just tell me that?” His eyes were all concern, and he reached for her hand. She shrugged. She didn’t want to admit to the insecurities that some of his friends brought out in her. She didn’t want to listen to the nagging concern that their little universe for two would not be enough.





40


Forty-Five Minutes After I Didn’t



When they got back to Millward Hall, Audrey went straight upstairs to their room. She wanted to wash her feet. Josh followed, sat on the bed, and watched as she rinsed her toes in the bath, then dabbed concealer on her bruised temple and tried to fix her wind-whipped hair.

“You really do look incredible,” Josh said, and she smiled back at him in the reflection of the bathroom mirror. “I know today has been the mother of all disasters, but can we try to make the best of it?”

“Do you think we’re soul mates?” she asked, meeting his eye in the mirror.

“What?” He shook his head, bemused. “You know I don’t believe in that stuff.”

“I didn’t know that, no.”

“Do you?” he asked, eyes narrowed in concern.

“Honestly, I don’t know.” Audrey paused and squeezed the edge of the sink. “Have you had any doubts at all about today, about getting married?”

He frowned, stood up, and came to stand behind her in the bathroom mirror. She tensed. She had a thing about people standing behind her in mirrors.

“Not one. Why? Have you?”

Audrey took a breath; pushed her hands against the top of her rib cage, as though to steady herself; then turned around, preferring to speak face-to-face.

“Yes.” She looked him straight in the eye. This was her opportunity to be honest. “Sometimes, I worry we’re too different—you’re sensible, I’m flighty; you’re tidy, I’m messy; you’re an early bird, I’m a night owl; you have your whole life planned out and I’m working it out as I go along. We don’t know who we’re going to be in the future. What if we change, and we end up wanting different things?”

“Audrey, there’s a reason those vows say ‘in sickness and in health, through good times and bad,’ because I’m here for all of it, whatever happens, you know that.” He bent down to kiss her. “And whatever changes in our lives, it’s not going to change how I feel about you.”

She looked up into his eyes and saw everything she loved about this man, his sincerity, his kindness, his calm confidence, but she forced herself to keep talking.

“It’s my fault the reverend had a heart attack.”

Josh let out a disbelieving laugh. “Audrey, you do come out with the strangest things sometimes.”

“Did you know my mum is sleeping with Brian? It’s like she’s been through all the available men and now she’s circling back around. What if there’s part of me that’s like her? What if it’s in my genes?”

“You are nothing like your mother,” Josh said firmly, his warm eyes drawing her in like a beacon. “Look, I know watching Vivien go through it so many times, it’s probably hard to believe love can last forever, but it can, if you want it to.” Josh looked serious for a moment, his eyebrows drawn into a low frown. Audrey nodded, wanting his words to be true. “I know it’s a lot, Reverend Daniels collapsing during the service. It’s understandable you’re shaken up, but trust me, it’s all going to be fine.” She nodded, and he pulled her into a hug. She relaxed against his chest, listening to his strong, even heartbeat. “Can we go downstairs and celebrate being almost married now?” Then he kissed her on the lips, and she felt that warm familiar glow that had always been there.





41


Six Years Before I Do



“What happened?” Hillary asked when she arrived on his doorstep with an overnight bag. “Have you and Vivien had a falling-out?”

Once Audrey had confided in her mother about Benedict, Vivien asked if she would go and stay with a friend for the night so she could speak to him alone. Audrey had opened Pandora’s box, and now there would be no closing it.

“I don’t want to talk about it,” she told Hillary.

“Trouble in paradise with the great Benedicté? Or has your mother lost out on a role to Helen Mirren again? No, don’t tell me, Emma Thompson?”

Audrey didn’t want to tell Hillary what had happened, because she feared being interrogated. He would not shy away from wanting to know exactly what Benedict had done. What if he told her she had overreacted?

“Can we just watch Gilmore Girls and eat Chipsticks?” she asked as Hillary took the bag from her shoulder.

“That bad, is it?” Hillary walked through to his kitchen and Audrey followed. “You know I keep Chipsticks in my cupboard now, just in case you come over.”



* * *





She went back to the photo booth the next day, hoping that yesterday had been some cosmic blip and Fred had simply gotten the day wrong. She tried calling combinations of numbers with sevens, fours, and fives. None of them worked. It crossed her mind briefly that maybe the number he had given her hadn’t been real, that he had smeared the ink on purpose before handing it over. But why would he have done that? It didn’t make sense.