Before I Do(70)

At one dinner party, when the topic of “what she did” came up, Josh’s friend Harriet asked, “Why did you drop out of uni, then? I’d have thought with a famous playwright for a father you’d be top of the class.”

“I’m not sure it works like that,” Audrey said with a tight smile.

“Audrey’s one of the smartest people I know,” said Josh, which garnered a raised eyebrow from Harriet. Audrey loved him for defending her but was annoyed he felt he had to. Did it matter if she wasn’t as academic as his friends? And if it didn’t matter, then why did she feel so intimidated?

“Audrey knows everything there is to know about space,” Josh said.

“Aw, Tree Boy and Space Girl, sweet,” Harriet said, shooting Audrey a grimace masquerading as a smile.

“What’s the most interesting thing you know about space?” asked Greg, another of their college friends.

“I think some of the most interesting stuff is what we don’t know,” said Audrey. “Like whether our universe is the only one.” Everyone paused eating to listen to her. She went on, nervously, “If our universe goes on forever, or if there are multiple different universes, then there could be an infinite number of planetary possibilities. There will be worlds just like ours, where every conceivable reality plays out an infinite number of times. Somewhere out there, identical versions of us might be at an almost identical dinner, except we’re all speaking Danish.”

“Oh, I love that idea,” said Dee.

“Those kinds of theories are closer to religion than science, it’s all completely speculative,” said Greg, who worked in biotechnology.

“Sounds like Everett’s many-worlds theory, which we covered in first-year philosophy,” said Harriet, stifling a yawn.

“I think it’s a fascinating question,” said Josh loyally. “If there are parallel universes, with infinite possibilities, I’m glad we’ll never know about them. I’m very happy in this one.” He reached out a hand to stroke Audrey’s arm.

“What about the universe where you’ve got a slightly bigger cock?” Ben laughed, throwing a potato across the table at Josh, which made everyone, bar Audrey, laugh.

Later in the meal, Audrey excused herself to go to the loo. In the hall, she overheard Harriet whispering to her friend Ester as they shared a cigarette on the front step.

“I miss Kelly. She was so fun at things like this,” whispered Ester.

“I just can’t see her appeal. She must be great in bed,” said Harriet.

“If it’s that, I’m sure he’ll get bored of her soon.” Ester sighed. “Then he’ll realize the perfect person was right under his nose all along.” Harriet cut her off with a loud “Shhh” as they heard movement inside the house.

Rather than going back upstairs to the dinner table, Audrey found herself walking down, toward the back door and out into the small garden behind Ben and Dee’s flat. It was a warm, clear night, and the grass beneath her feet felt dry. She lay down on the ground and looked up at the moon, visually mapping the constellations she could see. There was something so comforting in the familiarity of those shapes in the sky. She wondered what an alternate version of her was doing out there. Was she lying on similar grass, looking up, just as she was now? Had alternate Audrey found her calling in life? Was she studying astronomy? Was she dating Josh?

Audrey lost all sense of how much time had passed, until she saw Josh, standing over her, looking down in complete bemusement.

“What are you doing out here?” he asked.

“Oh, sorry,” she said.

“You’ve been gone half an hour. You missed dessert.”

“Oops.”

He shook his head in incomprehension as he reached out a hand to help her up.

They went inside and said their good-byes.

In the cab home, Josh was uncharacteristically quiet. He usually made a point of chatting to taxi drivers.

“I lost track of time,” Audrey muttered, reluctant to tell him about the conversation she’d overheard between his friends.

“Do you know how strange that looked, when Dee glanced out the window and saw you lying in the garden?”

“You do strange things in front of my friends too, you know,” she said defensively.

“What have I ever done that’s strange?”

Audrey racked her brain for an example. “You alphabetize your cookbooks.”

“What?” Josh flung out his arms, and Audrey noticed the cabdriver give them an amused look in the rearview mirror.

“You do!” Audrey said, interpreting the gesture as denial.

“It helps me find what I’m looking for, and that’s not something I do in front of your friends.”

“Well, I told my friends about it, and they think it’s strange. They also think it’s strange you buy special deionized ironing water, and that you have a swiper to clean the shower after you’ve used it.”

“Okay, Audrey.” Josh shook his head and pulled a hand through his hair.

They sat in silence again, until the cabdriver said, “I use that deionized water for ironing. It extends the life span of the iron.”

“Thank you!” said Josh, and then he and Audrey caught each other’s eye and couldn’t help smiling.