Back to You(99)

“Tell me why.”
He slid his hands down his face. “We were friends, Lauren—”
“Oh, don’t give me that bullshit,” she snapped, cutting him off. He turned his head and looked up at her, startled. “We’re both adults now. You knew it was more than friendship for me. You knew I was in love with you. Anyone with eyes could see that I was.”
He looked away from her, and she could feel herself losing the hold on what little composure she had as she pushed off the floor and stood over him.
“That last day? When we were together?” she said, her voice shaking. “It was more than friendship for you too then. Even if it was just for that moment. Don’t even try to tell me it wasn’t.”
She saw a tiny muscle flex in the side of his jaw, but he still wouldn’t look at her.
“How could you just walk away like that?” she demanded. “After everything we were to each other? Why would you do that to me?”
She thought of them together in that bed. Her first time.
“I mean, was I that bad?”
“No,” he answered firmly before she’d even finished the question, whipping his head up to look at her. “Stop it. Don’t go there.”
She threw her hands in the air. “Well then give me an answer!” she shouted. “I deserve to know why you abandoned me!”
“Don’t you get it?” he said, jumping up to face her. “Don’t you get that it wasn’t about you?”
Lauren shook her head in disbelief. “Don’t give me that. I know you’ve been hurt. I know you’ve lost people in your life. But if you’re gonna stand here and tell me this was about your fear of that happening again, that’s complete bullshit,” she spat. “It’s not fair that you applied that fear to me. I never gave you a reason to.”
“Don’t you think I know that? Don’t psychoanalyze me,” he said with disgust. “You think I’m gonna say it was all subconscious? That it was me trying to protect myself because I was afraid to love someone and have them leave me again? This wasn’t some subliminal self-preservation crap. It was intentional. I wanted you out of my life!”
Lauren swooped down and grabbed her wine glass as she pushed past him. “Well, you got what you wanted Michael, so now I wish you’d just leave me the hell alone!”
She stormed into the kitchen and slammed the glass down in the sink, causing it to shatter. Before she could even check to see if she’d cut herself, she felt him grip her arm and spin her back around.
“Let me finish!” he shouted. “I wasn’t protecting myself! I was protecting you!”
Lauren was completely frozen, as much at his tone as she was at his words.
He took a breath, and although he kept his hold on her arm, when he spoke, his voice had softened significantly.
“Because if I didn’t leave, it would have ended in disaster. It always did@ad, le with me. I didn’t know how to have healthy relationships. Shit, I still don’t know if I do. And I couldn’t put you through that.”
She ripped out of his grip and took a step back, completely appalled. “So what you’re saying is you tried to avoid hurting me by hurting me?” she cried.
“I had to, Lauren! I’ve been f*cking up people’s lives since the day I was born. You know that. My very existence ruined every life it touched.”
She took another small step back, folding her arms as she stood her ground. “You know I never believed that.”
“Of course you do!” he exclaimed. “You’re just another example of it!”
“But it didn’t have to be that way!” she yelled, silencing him. “You made that decision! You could have taken a chance! Maybe it wouldn’t have worked out. But maybe it would have been the best thing to happen to both of us. Did you ever think about that?”
He stared at her, saying nothing.
“And now where are we?” she said, her voice breaking. “You had a child with a woman who was a horrible excuse for a person and a mother, and I ruin every goddamn relationship I start. How was that the best decision for anybody?”
“Christ, Lauren,” he groaned, shaking his head in frustration. “You’re speaking in hindsight. Can’t you see it from my point of view? I didn’t trust myself not to screw up with you, so I had to walk away. But if I left, I’d be hurting you. It was a lose-lose for me.”
He took a step toward her, his eyes almost frantic. “I was a scared f*cking kid, and I picked what I thought was the lesser of two evils. I did what I thought was right, because in my mind, the alternative would have been so much worse. I thought it would be better to leave you angry but intact than to drag you down with me. You were too good for that. You were too good for me. You always were.”