A Rake's Ruin (Devilish Lords #1)(41)

“But I can’t,” he said, swallowing visibly as he ran a hand through his already tousled hair. “I cannot enter into a marriage like that with you, Claire. You were honest with me and I will be honest with you. If we marry, I will never be able to settle for anything less than everything.”

She took a faltering step back at that, feeling his words like a physical blow. He would not accept the arrangement…and she didn’t know if she was joyful and despondent. Her emotions were in such a whirlwind state, and she couldn’t tell up from down.

“If we marry, I would expect you to be my wife in every meaning of the word. I could never settle for less. I would want you to be my partner, my friend, my lover…my heart.”

His words hitched on that last part and her heart clenched in response.

“If,” she repeated, her voice little more than a whisper. She latched on to that one word…a word that made her stomach drop to the floor and her heart scream in agony. He might not marry her. He was backing out, reconsidering at the very least. She was distantly aware that she should be worried about her reputation, about being ruined. But if she were being honest, her potential ruination had nothing to do with her physical pain at that one word.

His gaze was penetrating, his eyes searching hers as if trying to read something there. As if trying to see straight into her heart. Whatever he saw, his own eyes grew shuttered. “I’ve talked to your brother. It seems that Lord Swattle may be amenable to an arrangement.”

She blinked rapidly, trying to keep track of where this was leading. He’d talked to Jed? About Swattle? For a moment she couldn’t even remember who he was. Ah yes, the man who’d set this all in motion with his accusations. That tedious old boor who’d been content to leer and paw at her until her dowry increased.

Clasping her hands in front of her, she swallowed down the sick taste in her mouth as what he was proposing became clear.

He did not want to marry her. He had found an out. She was only dimly aware of his explanation, but she caught enough to get his meaning. The baron had a gambling problem…between his weight in society and Davenport’s they could convince him…her reputation might be tainted but she would have her freedom.

Freedom, that was what it all came back to. It was what she wanted, after all, was it not? And it was what she assumed he desired as well.

But she’d thought they could both have that—together but separate. Everybody a winner. Except that nothing about this felt like winning, not her solution and definitely not his. She’d wanted to put parameters on their relationship, not end it.

But maybe she has asked for too much. Though what he asked seemed like so much more. He was talking all or nothing, there was no middle ground, no safe space where she could keep this relationship without losing her heart.

Her lips felt numb as she mumbled, “I see.”

She’d had to say something as he’d stopped speaking and seemed to be waiting for a response. When her gaze met his she was struck dumb by his intensity.

“Do you, Claire?” His voice was gravelly and raw. For the first time she wondered if he were as overset with emotion as she. Was that possible? But that would mean… That would mean…

“I love you.” His words rang in her ears, silencing the thoughts that had been swirling through her mind and making her entire body hum with something frightening and new. Something she did not want to name. Something so foreign and overwhelming, she didn’t know whether to fight it or embrace it.

“Do you see that, Claire?” He gave her a rueful smile, his eyes tinged with hope and sadness at once. “When you see me do you see a man who loves you or do you see a philandering rake, a reckless gentleman who will hurt you the way your father hurt your mother?”

His words were so accurate, she felt them to her core. That was what she’d seen before. No, that was what she’d feared. And now?

Well, now his words should make no difference. Not really. Didn’t all men lie about being in love to win what they wanted?

Her mind clicked into action then.

That was nonsense. He didn’t have to lie. He had no reason to. There was nothing for him to gain in this situation but marriage to her.

He could have any woman he wanted if marriage was all he sought. Everyone knew what a catch he was. He could have walked away from her at any point and cried off. Even now he was telling her how could end this engagement while still looking like a gentleman and perhaps even keeping her reputation somewhat intact.

And yet he still told her he loved her.

She stared up at him. Her mind didn’t know what to make of it, but her heart…oh, her heart…

Whatever he saw in her expression, it made his gaze fill with infinite tenderness and a sadness that made her want to weep in sympathy.

Who was she fooling? She didn’t want to weep for him, she wanted to weep for herself. Confusion made her waver between joy and despair. He was offering her everything…but everything came at a price that was too high.

He moved his hand so he was clasping her chin as he held her steady and met her gaze. “Hell and damnation, Claire. If you cannot see the truth of my words, then perhaps I can show you.” He gave no further warning before capturing her lips in a kiss that left her reeling.

His kiss told her everything. Filled with passion, his touch was gentle and firm, possessive and unselfish. His lips spoke of love more eloquently than any soliloquy or poem and his tongue showed her how he longed to make her his own.