A Rake's Ruin (Devilish Lords #1)(39)
Drat. She hadn’t even begun her speech and she could already feel heat creeping into her cheeks as she set down her tea and licked her lips. “There is something I wished to discuss with you,” she said. “In private.”
At his silence she looked up and caught him watching her closely, his gaze guarded for the first time since she’d met him all those years ago. “I see.”
She doubted he did see, but she didn’t argue the point. “I have a…a…proposition for you.”
His stare cut into her, making her speech falter despite her preparation.
“A proposition?” His voice held a familiar note of teasing but that steady look in his eyes didn’t change. He looked so deeply it was as though he could see straight through her. It was unnerving. Unsettling. It nearly made her change her course.
But their marriage was the next day and this conversation needed to happen now, for her peace of mind if nothing else. She cleared her throat. “Yes, a proposition.” She made a show of arranging her skirts, her eyes on the material as she started. “I know of your reputation with women and—”
“Claire, I do not—” he started, but she shook her head.
“Please, Nicholas.” She finally lifted her gaze to meet his. Maybe it was that look, or maybe it was the use of his given name, which she rarely addressed him by. Whatever it was, he clamped his mouth shut and nodded for her to continue.
“You are aware to some extent, I am sure, of my father’s scandals.”
He nodded again, a question forming in his eyes. He no doubt wondered where this was leading.
“While I appreciate the kindness you have shown me this week with your attentions and your flattery, I would prefer that we have a frank discussion about how this marriage will be,” she said, the words she’d rehearsed coming out quicker now. “I think it would be best if we come to an agreement now so there are no surprises after we marry.”
His stare never wavered. “An agreement,” he repeated.
She gave a short nod. “I would like a family,” she said quickly. “Children. Multiple children, preferably.”
He gave her a small, genuine smile that made her heart leap in response. “I’m glad to hear it. I’d like children as well.”
She nodded. Good. This was good. They were in agreement. Now came the hard part. She shifted her skirts again, her fingers twisting the fabric as discomfort made speech next to impossible. Heavens, nothing in life had ever prepared her for a conversation like this one. “I’d ask that you refrain from any extramarital affairs until such a time as we have formed a family of our own.”
She looked away from his all-seeing eyes, which had widened in surprise. She couldn’t be distracted by his shock if she were to finish. “Once we have our family, then I would be happy to live separately in the country with our children and I will not question whatever life you choose to lead.”
After a brief silence, he spoke, though she couldn’t bring herself to look up immediately. “You want to live separately.”
His voice sounded hollow, and only then did she drag her gaze up to see him staring at her in horror.
“I do not mean to offend. I merely believe it would be practical to speak of our expectations. Surely a man such as yourself would prefer to live unshackled and unrestrained.”
“Unshackled…” He shook his head as he repeated her word.
Claire hurried on. “It would be preferable if you did not have children outside of marriage, but were it to…occur…” Her voice faltered at his stricken look. “Were it to occur, I ask that you take responsibility and let me know so I can raise the child as our own.”
He was shaking his head but she continued. As one whose dearest siblings were illegitimate, this was a point she would not concede. “Obviously that is not the best option, but I would not turn any child away.”
The silence that followed was heavy with tension. His face was unreadable and his typically expressive eyes were blank. Her stomach twisted and turned in response as she waited for him to say something. Anything.
She waited for him to agree. After all, this type of arrangement suited them both, did it not? Surely this sort of freedom was what every rake desired of a wife. And it was what she wanted, too…wasn’t it?
Yes. Of course it was. This would guarantee her future freedom—a life unburdened by the constraints of a husband. And it would ensure that until that time, she was free to do as she pleased, this thing between them would be clear and defined. That was what she wanted.
Wasn’t it?
A voice of doubt niggled at the back of her mind as her gaze tangled with his. His warm brown eyes hadn’t left hers, but his thoughts were unreadable. All she could see was his warmth and the sudden absence of laughter and compassion she’d grown used to. Her words had done that. They’d dimmed his joy and his teasing mirth and replaced it with a cold distance. Which was what she wanted.
Wasn’t it?
Her heart squeezed in her chest, the sudden pain unable to be ignored.
Did she truly want a cold, businesslike arrangement with this man?
The question made her panic, her heart picking up its pace as she awaited his response. Fear gripped her as she realized for the first time that perhaps she had been wrong. Maybe she did want more, but was just too afraid to let herself hope for something so intangible and immaterial.