A Rake's Ruin (Devilish Lords #1)(34)

Before she knew it, she was laughing at his antics or smiling at an anecdote. Worse yet, she’d caught herself swooning at his sweet words and compliments.

She should know better! If anyone should know how manipulative a rake could be, it was she.

She didn’t even blame him. It was in his nature to charm. She did not believe he set out to be cruel. She saw kindness in his eyes whenever he was with her and a genuine desire to please.

But that was the problem. He was trying to make her contented with the idea of this marriage. He wanted her to be excited and in love, no doubt because he thought that would make her happy, that it was what every young woman desired, even if she did not admit it.

But not her. She couldn’t think of a worse fate than to fall in love with a rake like Galwin. She would be repeating all her mother’s mistakes, and she couldn’t abide the thought of ending up bitter, sad, and lonely like her mother.

No, all she wanted was a family on which she could dote. Nicholas could give her the children she desired and she would give him his freedom that he clearly craved.

I want you to be free. Isn’t that what you want too?

A tremor rippled through her at the memory of those words. She cursed him for the millionth time for uttering them. Surely the man was a devil if he knew the precise words to speak that would haunt her for days on end.

Those words were torture. A promise of things he could never give.

But then again, perhaps he could.

Her hands stilled as her breath caught in her chest. Perhaps he could give her the kind of freedom she craved. A freedom from entanglement, and a freedom from heartbreak and agony.

If he was honest about wanting to make her happy, then perhaps he would understand. Maybe he would be willing to give her the independence she needed if she were willing to give him his freedom in return.

Her breath came out in a whoosh as an idea came to her. It was perfect, really. It would once again put her back in control, and that was what she needed. She couldn’t take much more of this tension between them. She didn’t want to see him looking at her like he did—like she was something precious to be adored—because that was not lasting and she could not grow accustomed to it. And she didn’t want to feel this neediness around him. She didn’t want to feel this ache around any man, but most particularly not the man who would be her husband.

“Are you sure everything is all right?” Georgie asked. “You look as though you might be ill.”

She blinked up at her sister—her sweet, trusting, na?ve little sister. Her sister who believed in love and happy marriages. Her sister who was blind to the kind of hell their mother lived through.

What must it be like to have that sort of innocence and trust in the world?

She held back a sigh. Now was not the time for self-pity. Now that she knew what she wanted from Nicholas, she had to figure out a way of asking him for it. Her hands trembled in her lap as she thought of how she might phrase her request.

Or rather, her offer. Because this arrangement would benefit him as well, if he were willing. For the first time in a long time, she looked forward to his visit. She was still nervous but now for an altogether different reason.

If Nicholas was being genuine about giving her freedom, and she believed he was, then perhaps he would be willing to promise her what she wanted. A life free from romantic entanglements. In return, he would be free to pursue women at his leisure.

Her insides churned at the thought of Nicholas with other women, with any other woman for that matter. She felt so ill she clapped a hand over her mouth to stifle the urge to heave. But that reaction? That was further proof that this sort of agreement was necessary, for her own peace of mind and for the sake of her heart.

She could marry Nicholas and have a happy life, just so long as it was the kind of marriage she’d always expected for herself. A business arrangement. A beneficial union for them both. They would each get what they desired out of the arrangement without losing their hearts or their dignity.

Georgie sat beside her. “You are frightening me, dear. Are you certain everything is well? If you are having second thoughts about Galwin, I am sure you could talk to Jed and—”

“No.” She shook her head and gave her sister a smile to temper her harsh tone. But really, all she’d ever wanted was to protect her family as best she could. Their reputation and wellbeing were her first priority. To back out of this engagement now would ruin her reputation and cast even more aspersions on their name.

Besides, Nicholas might just be her best bet for the kind of life she wanted. It just wasn’t the sort of life he was offering.

But that was because he had formed the wrong impression of her. He seemed to think that she wanted love in her life. He seemed to have mistaken her as another romantic like all her other siblings.

But today, she hoped, she would correct his misassumptions. To reach such an agreement, they would need time together. Preferably alone.

She shifted on her seat so she was facing Georgie head on. “I am not doubting this wedding,” she said.

Georgie sighed with relief, and Claire could not blame her. The wedding was set for the following morning. Were she to back out now, it would be disastrous for them all.

“I am so glad,” Georgie said. “I’ve seen the way Galwin looks at you, Claire, and I am so happy for you.” Her sigh was melodramatic and sweet, albeit unwarranted. “You deserve to marry for love and—”