A Cosmic Kind of Love(104)

“Peacefully and calmly.”

She snorted. “So you plan on choosing a man you have lukewarm feelings for, then?”

Confused, I sighed. “What?”

“Sweetheart, whatever happened between you and Christopher was obviously due to tension, and I assume a very big argument.”

“Several arguments. With repetitive themes.”

“And you broke up with him instead of figuring it out together?”

“I didn’t break up with him. We’re taking a break because he doesn’t seem to know what he wants in life. Besides, there are trust issues on either side, and I’m not sure they’re surmountable.”

Mom scrutinized me. “People make mistakes, Hallie. You’ll make them; he’ll make them. But you can’t figure that out separately. You have to talk. Maybe even yell at each other. Maybe until you’re blue in the face. But you can’t figure out if you’re right for each other if you never see each other.”

Exasperated, I pushed back from the table. “I’m too raw to deal with this right now.”

“Hallie.” Mom reached across the table to cover my hand. “Please. I didn’t come here to upset you. I just . . . I’ve done a lot of thinking and looking inward, and I have this habit of pushing people away when I’m feeling my most vulnerable.”

I grew still.

“It’s a habit that’s done a lot of damage in my life, and I’m trying to be better.” She gave me a tight-lipped smile. “And I would hate to think I’ve passed that quality on to my daughter.”

“I’ve made myself vulnerable to people,” I replied quietly.

“Most of whom didn’t matter.” She squeezed my hand. “Chris matters. And that is so much scarier, am I right?”

Tears filled my eyes as I nodded.

“I’m not telling you what to do about Chris. I just want you to realize that when you love someone with a lot of passion, fear of losing them can make you question everything. Maybe you and Chris do have some trust issues, but it’s possible it’s not a lack of trust in each other but a lack of trust in yourselves.”

Whoa.

I sank back in my chair, blown away by her wisdom, her unexpected kindness and openness. Who was this version of my mother?

“Anyway, I didn’t actually come here to say all that. I came here for you and me. Whatever you do about Chris, I want you to know that I am going to try to be better at seeing you. I’ve underestimated you in the past, and I want to make up for it.” She pulled her purse up onto the table, rummaged through it and withdrew a piece of paper.

Mom held it out to me.

I stared in confusion at the check in my hands. The check written out to me for five thousand dollars.

“I know it’s not a huge amount, but I thought it might be a start.”

“For what?”

“You know, since you were a kid, all you talked about was traveling the world. It was the one thing that held your attention, your passion, until this job came along. But you stopped talking about it after college, and I let myself think it was because you were over it. Now, I suspect—with a little help from Jenna, who is far more perceptive than people give her credit for—that you just stopped talking about it because I didn’t support the idea.”

“Mom.” I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe you even thought about this.”

“You and Chris mentioned it last weekend. Your plans to travel. And after you left, I couldn’t stop thinking about it because I didn’t know you still wanted to do that. Chris made very pointed comments about how capable you were, and I realized they were a jab at me.”

“Mom—”

“No, it’s fine. He’s not wrong.” She gestured to the check. “But this is my way of saying that I trust you and I’m proud of you, and I don’t think you should sit on this anymore. Travel, Hallie. Go out there and do it alone if you want to. Don’t sit on anything you want, because you will one day turn fifty years old and look back at your life with so many regrets that they surmount any good thing you achieved. I don’t want that for you.”

Tears brightened my eyes. “Thank you, Mom.”

“Don’t cry, sweetheart. You’ll ruin your makeup, and it’s the only thing saving you from looking like hell right now.”

And there she was.

My mother, ladies and gentleman.

I laughed because some things never changed.

And I tried not to cry because some things did.





FORTY-TWO





Chris


When my mother was diagnosed with cancer, I’d felt real panic for the first time in my life. It came from my powerlessness to stop this thing that was killing her. The panic took up residence in my chest for months, a pressure that pulled at the air in my lungs, making it hard to breathe. It was always there, this dreadful sensation of perpetual falling with nothing to grab on to to stop it. I’d wake up during the night gasping for breath.

Mom’s death took away the panic. There was a relief in its absence until I realized that a new gnawing emptiness had replaced it. That ache was a million times worse than the panic.

It seemed ridiculous to feel a similar kind of panic because Hallie had asked for some time apart, but that panic dug its fucking claws in my chest, and I experienced an out-of-body sensation. Like everything was slipping away.