A Cosmic Kind of Love(103)

“I give a shit.”

A sob broke free before I could stop it. “It doesn’t feel like it, and that’s what matters. And this isn’t something I feel because of a text from Darcy. It’s been there in the background for weeks. Uncertainty. Insecurity. I think if I felt like I really had you I wouldn’t feel this way. And I think I feel this way because you don’t know what you really want. I deserve better than that.”

“You’re ending this?” Chris staggered back like I’d physically hit him.

I stuffed down another sob. “I . . . No . . . I just think we need some time apart. A break. We moved too fast. Practically living together. Got caught up in the attraction. But I won’t be my parents. Passion isn’t enough to build a life on.”

“That’s all you think we have?”

I gestured wearily at the distance between us. “I don’t know. Maybe some time away from each other will answer that.” I wrenched open his apartment door.

“Hallie . . .”

I glanced over my shoulder at him.

Chris stared incredulously. “I don’t want to take a break. A break is just code for ‘It’s over but we can’t admit it.’ I love you. I don’t want it to be over.”

Clinging to his “I love you,” walking back in there, hoping everything would just resolve itself, would hurt more than accepting this was what we needed right now. I’d spent my whole life hoping. Hoping for my parents to stop fighting. Hoping for my friends and boyfriends to see me as something more than an anecdote they told at a party.

Hoping to one day meet someone who really saw me and still thought I was the most special person in their universe.

I thought I’d finally found the latter, and from there I had hoped it would last.

Hope was a double-edged sword. It gave you the strength to get up out of bed during the worst times of your life, but it could also blind you and stop you from moving on from things that, in the end, weren’t good for you.

I wouldn’t spend the rest of my life yo-yoing between the highest highs and the lowest lows. “Sometimes love isn’t enough, Chris.”





FORTY-ONE





Hallie


Working through heartbreak was one of the hardest things I’d ever had to do. It was unbelievably challenging to plan weddings and engagement parties and be around touchy-feely couples who expected their planner to be thrilled for them. In truth, I had a ton of bitter thoughts I wanted to express and knew I’d self-sabotage if I did.

It had been five days since I walked out on Chris.

Five days and, although I’d been the one who initiated the break, it was a punch in the gut that he hadn’t contacted me. He had only a few days left before he had to give his answer to NASA about the job. Maybe he already had, maybe I was no longer a factor.

When I closed my eyes at night, I had flashbacks to nights spent in Chris’s arms. He’d made me feel so loved, so cherished. I couldn’t believe that his affection wasn’t genuine in those moments. I knew he thought he loved me.

But with some space, he’d obviously realized I was right. We’d moved too fast. I’d gotten caught in the middle of his intense relationship with his father, with his uncertainty about his career . . . Clearly, this was just not the right time for Chris to be in a serious relationship.

“Sweetheart, you look exhausted.”

I blinked, looking up from the water glass in front of me, as my mom slipped into the opposite seat at the small table. “Hello to you too.”

Mom smiled, but I saw the concern in her eyes.

After I’d finally texted her that Chris and I were taking a break, Mom had insisted on meeting for lunch the next day in the city, and she apparently wouldn’t take no for an answer. Althea was ready at the drop of a text to come rescue me if Mom decided to rub salt in my wounds.

“I’m fine. Just swamped at work.”

“You’re heartbroken,” she said bluntly. “And pushing through despite it. I’m very proud of you.”

I raised an eyebrow. “Thanks. I think.”

“I saw how you two were together, which is why I’m so shocked by this.” She leaned across the table. “I just . . . I can’t imagine what could have torn you two apart. You seemed so together, so in sync. It made me so happy to see you had that.”

It surprised the heck out of me to hear her say that just as much as each word felt like a bullet in my chest. “Well, we kept disagreeing about a few things, and I found myself arguing with him a lot and just got really terrified I’d turn into my parents and end up in a toxic decades-long relationship.”

As soon as the words were out of my mouth, I regretted them.

Closing my eyes against the pained expression in hers, I shook my head. “I’m sorry.”

“Is that what you really think? That arguing in a relationship somehow makes it toxic?”

“Doesn’t it?” I opened my eyes.

“For goodness’ sake, Hallie. I will admit that your father and I should have ended things a long time ago, but that doesn’t mean other couples in healthier relationships don’t argue.”

“I know other couples argue. But this was not a small disagreement.”

“Until recently, you’ve spent your whole life avoiding confrontation, and now that you’re not afraid to avoid it, you somehow think a little confrontation in a relationship means it’s doomed. How do you expect to communicate with your partner?”