12 Days of Forever(25)

It’s four in the morning when I open the door to Harrison’s house. The walk of shame has never felt as good as it does now, but with that I’m fighting back the tears and heartbreak for a friend. It was evident tonight that Xander may want more than what I can offer. I’m not a mind reader, but body language speaks volumes and his was yelling.

I should listen, but in doing so I would be admitting that I’m ready to give up on my dream. Falling into a pattern, an easy life, with Xander would be so easy and refreshing if he just lived in New York. That’s where I’ve wanted to be ever since I was a little girl. I dreamt of dancing on the big stage in front the biggest crowds, and I’m almost there. Even with Enchantment being on Broadway, my theater is small. I strive for the grander theaters with the crystal chandeliers so big you imagine yourself swinging from them. Dancing is a childhood dream that I’ve never given up on.

I turn on the Christmas tree and watch the white lights twinkle against the ornaments. Sitting down on the couch, I wrap up in the afghan and marvel at the presents under the tree. Five people live in this house and there are enough gifts under there that I feel overwhelmed. This will be my biggest Christmas ever, and I’m just here to watch.

“Just getting home?”

I startle at the sound of Harrison’s voice. He saunters into the living room and takes the seat next to me, stealing some of the afghan.

“Can’t sleep, Santa?”

He looks at me and shrugs. “What’s going on with you? We haven’t really spent a lot of time together since you arrived.”

“You’re busy, and I sort of just showed up on your doorstep. I didn’t expect you to drop everything and entertain me. I’m a big girl. I can fend for myself.”

“I’m still your brother. I’ll always make time for you. You know that.”

I nod, knowing that he’ll do whatever he can to make me happy. I stare at the tree, letting the colors from the ornaments and lights blend in. “Remember when we were little and we’d try to stay awake to see Santa? We’d get so excited when we woke up and there were some presents under the tree only to get to school and hear about all the toys that everyone got. I used to lie to my friends and tell them that I got that Barbie everyone else did and you pulled her head off. When I got older it was clothes. I’d lie and whine to my friends that “the hottest jeans ever” shrunk when I washed them. I felt so bad but couldn’t tell people the truth.

“Look at what you’ve done for Quinn and even the twins.” I nod toward the tree. “It looks like a toy store exploded under here and in a few hours they’ll come thundering down the stairs to tear open everything under that tree. Within ten minutes it’ll be over.”

“We open our stockings first, eat breakfast and then I sit down and hand out a present at time. Katelyn and I like to see their expressions for each gift. It makes it last longer.” Harrison sighs. “You know when I first got here, Peyton was being bullied at school and Quinn sucker punched the kid. I was angry at him, but also thrilled that he did that for her. I wish someone had done that for me because then maybe I wouldn’t hate my childhood so much. There wasn’t anything Mom could do about it either so I never told her. Had I not found those drums, we’d probably still be living in that dump of an apartment.”

Harrison pats my leg and stares off. I don’t want to think about what our lives would be like if he hadn’t come across the discarded drums in that alley way. I wouldn’t be where I am today. Once he started playing, he did anything he could to make money. First it was five dollars then ten. That ten became a hundred quickly. The first time he was paid a hundred for a gig, he took Mom and me out to dinner. It wasn’t anything fancy, but to us it was like we were eating at the Ritz.

He gave up college for me and always made sure I had money for dance lessons. When the private dance company offered me a spot, he took a day job and started living off two to three hours of sleep a night to provide for us. As soon as the gig opened at Metro he was able to cut back, and then everything changed when Liam got signed and took Harrison with him. Liam made Harrison feel like he mattered.

“What’s going on with you, Yvie? You dodged the question. I’m not trying to pry, but you don’t seem yourself.”

I poke my fingers through the holes on the afghan to avoid looking at Harrison. He pulls my hand away. He’s not going to let this go. I thought that I could show up and everyone would just be happy. We’d do family activities, and I’d be on my way back before anyone could figure out what’s going on with me.