12 Days of Forever

12 Days of Forever by Heidi McLaughlin



“Would you care for a warm towel, ma’am?”

I blink and turn my focus to the flight attendant pushing her wet towel in my direction. I take it and smile at her as my thanks. I don’t know what to do with it, but others are wiping their hands. I opt to cover my face and let the warmth seep through. I was hoping that my mind would focus on the hot cloth lying on my face, but it doesn’t.

I’m escaping. At least that’s what Oliver tells me. We’ve been together off and on now for over a year, and lately it’s been more off than on. He says it’s me, but dating the producer of my Broadway show, Enchantment, has never been my cup of tea. I want to earn my way. I want the lead based on my ability as a dancer, not because of who my boyfriend is. He doesn’t understand that. He says that he loves me, but right now I’m clearly in the “like” stages of life. I’m not sure he’s the one, but I’m drawn to him and I don’t know why. I thought that it was because he was older, and I felt he was more sophisticated, but lately that hasn’t been enough for me to give him my heart. Something’s missing, or I’m just not into him and I need to admit it and move on.

The fear is there, though, that he’ll cut me from the show because I’m no longer with him and replace me with a younger dancer. I think about it all the time and wonder if I’ll land another gig. He’s said the words that cut deep: my ass is too big, my toes don’t point, and my bun isn’t high enough. He follows up with an “I love you” but the sharp edges of his words still hurt. I work harder following those fights. I spend more time in the gym, longer hours in front of my barre working on my form. The bun I can’t help until my hair grows longer, but I try and that’s all I can do right now.

The captain’s voice comes over the intercom. It’s jumbled, but we all know what he’s saying. We’re about to land. In under an hour I’m going to see my nieces and nephew. I’ll get to wake up to their joyful laughs on Christmas morning and tease my brother relentlessly when he tries to sneak a kiss with Katelyn.

Harrison doesn’t know I’m coming. I’d like to say it’s a surprise, but the truth is I just needed to get away. Spending time with him, Katelyn and the kids appealed to me more than staying in his beachside apartment alone. My mom will be in Beaumont for Christmas too, and I miss her. I really just need my family right now.

I remove the now cold, wet washcloth and return my chair to its upright position. The moment we were allowed to recline, I did. With no one behind me, the freedom to relax and reflect was much needed. Once the plane touches down and is at the gate, everyone is out of their seats and scrambling to get their carry-ons from the overhead lockers. It’s almost a race to stand-up. The only winner is the person in the first class seat. They’re calling all the shots because plane etiquette dictates that those of us in the cheap seats have to wait our turns. Some people don’t abide by the rules, and when I see them I just want to stick out my foot and trip them. Mean, I know, but whatever.

With my bag gathered, I shy away from looking at the families excited to see their loved ones. Harrison would’ve been here if I had told him I was coming, but I didn’t want to interrupt his family time. He’s changed so much since he met Katelyn, and it’s all been for the better. She’s the sister I never thought I’d have, and she’s given me two exceptional nieces.

I think I’m homesick. My mom is always talking about Quinn, Peyton and Elle and how much fun she’s having, how her life feels almost complete. I know she’s spending more and more time in Beaumont now that Harrison has a family. I’m not jealous. I’m not anywhere near ready to have a family, but I do miss Quinn and I want to really know the twins. I enjoy my role as an auntie, but I am missing too much. Email, text messages and the odd Skype call just aren’t cutting it for me anymore.

Moving isn’t an option. Beaumont doesn’t have anything to offer me unless I want to quit dancing. I could open a dance studio and teach ballet, but that isn’t my dream. I can feel my dream within my grasp so giving up now would likely just depress me. Maybe I could convince Harrison to spend a few months in New York. The kids could get a tutor, Katelyn and I could shop and Harrison could work with Oliver’s production company. It’d be a win-win for me, but probably not for them.

It’s incredibly selfish of me to think they’d uproot their lives and come to New York because I’m homesick. It’s easier for me to do it, to move to Beaumont and be a part of a larger family. I could get to know Noah and Josie better, babysit Eden and maybe teach her ballet once she turns three. What Harrison has here is real. They’re all a close-knit family, and I’m just observing them from afar.