12 Days of Forever(28)

We hold hands throughout the drive, but don’t speak. The air between us is heavy and I know we should talk about what happened last night, but I’m not sure what to say. I don’t want to cheapen what we did by adding unnecessary words.

Xander guides me into the airport after parking his car. He waits while I check in and walks me to security. I fall into his arms, and let him hold me. I’m going to miss him more than I can find the words to tell him.

When I look up at him, he cups my face and kisses me softly. His lips linger on mine for a moment before I make a move to deepen the kiss. I know I’m leading him on, but I’m leading myself on too. I need this last memory of him on my lips before I board that plane.

“You have my number, right?”

I laugh. Earlier this morning, he put his number in my phone and texted himself, marveling at how excellent he is in bed. I saved that text message.

“I do. I’m sure I’ll be using it.”

“Remember: no sexting while I’m working.” He laughs and kisses me one more time.

“I can’t make any promises,” I say, winking. He blushes and shakes his head.

One last kiss and I’m making my way through security. I wave at him before I turn the corner and disappear down the hall. My phone chimes, and I roll my eyes. He can’t even wait until I was home before he texts. I pull out my phone and tap my message icon.



Lindsey: Thought you should know Oliver has been spending time with Cami, and she’s on the list as the lead for tomorrow.



I stop dead in my tracks. Cami is my rival and much younger than I am. Let’s face it, I’m no spring chicken, but I take care of myself and I work hard to retain my youthful appearance. She has been after my role for months. I’ve caught her a few times flirting with Oliver, but he assured me he wasn’t interested in her. If she’s taking my spot that only means one thing. They’re sleeping together. I know I have no room to talk, but I’ve never been with him to advance my career. If she’s taking the lead, I don’t have practice for a few days. I look around at the lack of people traveling today and wonder what I’m doing.

I look down at my phone and pull up Xander’s message from earlier. The message from him gloating about his prowess stares back at me. I don’t know what I’m doing, or what I want, but maybe if I spend more time with him and my family I can figure it out.



Do you have plans for New Years Eve?





My car is cold even though the heater is on and blowing warm air. I feel the loss of Yvie already, and it’s only been a few minutes. I told myself that getting involved with her emotionally would be a mistake, and everything in my head is telling me that it is – was – but my heart is telling me to hang on and to keep her in my life in any capacity that she’ll allow.

Yesterday, last night, whatever you want to call it, wasn’t supposed to happen. After talking to JD and realizing that Yvie and I are on two different paths in life, I knew I had to shut down. But when she pulled up, I had my front door open before she could even knock. My mind was made up; I was going to take everything that she was willing to give and not let go, until now.

Leaving her in the airport, watching her disappear out of sight is the worst feeling I’ve ever experienced. The rock I seem to have swallowed is pushing against my heart, lungs and stomach. I can’t get comfortable whether I sit up, stand or clear my throat to dislodge the solid mass that has taken residency there. The pressure increases with each movement.

The warm air becomes stifling and my chest aches, a feeling that I despise. I’ve kept myself free from entanglements, only dating here and there and never anything too serious. I’ve waited for that one special person to walk into my life, and now that she has, she’s walked right back out. I don’t think I knew she was the one until this moment and now that I know, I’m not sure what I can do to show her how I feel. She needs to know that us being together while she was here wasn’t just about sex for me. Thing is, it may have been that way for her. If so, I can handle it. She doesn’t need to know how I feel. Guys are best at compartmentalizing their feelings anyway.

I roll down my window and take a gulp of air. I don’t know why I’m stalling. I don’t know why I’m still parked and not driving back home or to the gym. It’s not like she’s going to come running out and fall into my arms. She’s heading back to New York where she lives and works. I have to accept that. I have to find a way to be her friend and stay present in her life. I refuse to go away unless she asks me to. If I have to resort to making her smile via video chat, then so be it. I’ll be the best damn video chatter ever.