Whisper to a Scream (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #6.5)(22)

“Punching out humans and staying drunk does not convey control. I understand things have changed for you, but this is not true to who you are. Don’t tell me you’ve given up so easily.”

I made a face and tipped back the next golden shot. Serene meant well, I knew that, but his presence was making me feel worse rather than better.

My head swam. I didn’t want to be reminded of what I once was, what I had lost. Serene represented everything I would never be again. It hurt, yet I had nobody to blame but myself.

“I don’t need the lecture. I will help Alexa; that hasn’t changed. But, my actions are not open to discussion.”

My face grew warm. I was embarrassed at having been cast out. It would be a very long while before I’d be ready to face my former brethren.

“That is your choice,” Serene said with a nod. “Might I remind you that this kind of behavior has never helped anyone? If you don’t stop feeling sorry for yourself, you will fail Alexa again, only this time could prove fatal. How many women must you watch die for your mistakes before you start to learn from them?”

His words echoed with vindication, and I nearly choked on my next drink. I couldn’t dispute the truth Serene spoke, but it hurt me to hear it.

“Nobody else is going to die on my watch,” I insisted, finding it difficult to get the words out. I said it, but did I still have the will to make it so?

Serene stood up and held a hand out toward the exit. “Come. Walk with me.”

I went willingly. My self-pity was not strong enough to keep me in that bar when my brother beckoned me. He took me to one of the most broken neighborhoods in the city, a place where hope had long been abandoned.

We walked through the people littering the streets. From children selling themselves for another drug rush to war veterans long forgotten by the government they fought for, the souls inhabiting these streets were as endless as their stories.

“Do you remember what these precious people once meant to you?” Serene bent to pet a stray dog sniffing curiously around his legs.

“They still mean a great deal to me, Serene. The fall has not changed that.”

My heart still stirred for them, and I realized how relieved I was at that revelation. I had feared the fall would take more than my status among the hierarchy. It had not stolen my love. For that, I was grateful.

“Existing in a drunken haze may make you forget your pain, but it makes you forget everything and everyone else as well.” With a hand on my back, Serene guided me along. “If you succumb to this need to punish yourself, you allow evil another victory.”

We walked in silence. I pondered his wisdom, seeing it for the gift it was. It broke my heart all over again to know my brothers would not give up on me though I was no longer one of them. Once, bringing hope and strength to those in need of it had fulfilled me. I was created in love, and love was ultimately my purpose. Could it still be so?

“Why are you trying so hard to convince me I have something to offer this world?” I went cold when the little dog refused my affection, shying away from me instead. No animal had ever rejected me before the fall. Guilt took hold and shook me with its iron fist. “There is no coming back from this. You know that.”

Serene gave a slight nod and rested a hand upon my shoulder. “Of course. I also know you did not fall with evil in your heart.”

Our travels took us to the children’s ward of a hospital where we walked unseen. A touch, a whisper of encouragement, sometimes that’s all it took to bring strength to the worried mother and courage to a fearful child. How could I let myself forget the meaning of these precious encounters?

I didn’t want to leave, but Serene led me away to the home of an ailing senior. Alone, her hands clasped in prayer, her soft murmurs beckoned us into the room.

“I want you to believe in never giving up,” Serene said, laying a hand on the old lady’s shoulder. “There is much good you can still do. It won’t be easy as one who has fallen, but it is possible.”

The old lady could not see or hear us, but she paused in her fervent prayer and looked about the room. A smile lit up her face. She settled back in against the pillows and closed her eyes.

“Shya killed Christina because I refused to join him. He made threats against Alexa, and I fear what he will do.” Confessing my worry freed me of some of the weight I’d been carrying. I started to believe Serene.

“You cannot allow fear to replace your faith, Willow.” It was simple, and though it was not the reassurance I sought, it was enough.

We returned to the street outside Woody’s Pub. A sharp pang of guilt was accompanied by a painful longing. I would have given anything for one more day with Christina.

“I must leave you now,” Serene said with an encouraging smile. “I will see you soon. Take care, brother. Remember who you are.”

I stood there alone for quite some time. Then, I pulled open the pub door and went inside.

Serene had reminded me of everything I’d held so dear before temptation had made a fool of me. I had to agree with him. Chasing human escape in the bottom of a bottle was a foolish endeavor. This was a period of confusion, a time of grief, but I couldn’t stay this way forever.

Tequila was my companion once more as I mulled it all over. It was easy to sit there and obsess over my loss. Crushing the pain was a goal I could chase for all eternity and still never catch.