Whisper to a Scream (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #6.5)(17)

When Serene appeared behind me, I did not turn to look. Straight ahead, I stared. His hand was warm on my shoulder, friendly despite the line that had been drawn between us.

“I’m sorry,” he said, and there was a plethora of emotions in those two simple words.

“Don’t be. You warned me.” My voice was hoarse from screaming. I didn’t want his pity; I wanted only to be alone.

“I did, because I care for you. That has not changed. I know I don’t have to tell you what this means though.” His hand dropped, and he drew away.

“Of course not. I’ve fallen. I belong to the darkness now.” Bitterness filled the numb void within me.

Serene was quiet, pondering this. “That’s not entirely true, you know. You’re fallen, not demon.”

“Not yet,” I snapped. “What difference does it make anyway? Fallen is fallen. There is no righting this wrong.”

“Perhaps not, though take care to remember that there are many who will now be watching to see where you place yourself. You are still gifted with freewill as you always have been. I’d advise you to use it wisely.”

I laughed, a cold, brittle sound that did not feel as if it belonged to me. Here was my dear friend, trying to lift my spirits despite the terrible thing I’d done. I didn’t deserve this act of kindness.

“I will never join their ranks, I promise you. My mistake was my own. It was not made so I could serve evil.” That’s when the shock hit, the painful realization that I would be forever alone, belonging to nobody.

We weren’t created to be alone. Existing alone on the outside, with no purpose and no family, that was the true punishment for what I’d done. I’d chosen selfishly to turn my back on my duty. It was dishonorable. I wondered how I would go on.

“May I ask why?” Serene’s smooth tone holding no judgment. “What were you thinking to abandon your charge like this?”

“I haven’t abandoned Alexa. I will still protect her.” Even as I said it, I knew I would now have great difficulty keeping that vow.

“She is no longer your concern, Willow. I’m afraid your duty to protect her has been terminated with your fall from grace.”

I shook my head, finally turning to meet his eyes. His expression held such sorrow. It drove the blade of guilt deeper into my gut.

“I said I would protect her, and I intend to do that. This will not stop me from being there for Alexa. I can still help her, Serene.”

“How do you presume to do this while lusting after the human woman? She has already compromised your ability to remain faithful to your duty. She is an unfortunate distraction, one who will ultimately live and die while you are forced to watch. Have you given thought to this?”

I held his gaze, seeking a way to make him understand, knowing he never could. I wanted to be angry with him for the way he spoke of Christina, but he was not wrong. Christina and I would be parted.

“That is my concern,” I offered, turning back to the rooftop view outside the window.

“So it is,” he agreed. “Be careful, Willow. The dark will come for you. Don’t let it claim you. There is much good you can do yet.” He waited for a reply that did not come. When I remained silent, Serene said, “Brother, you are loved. Know that.”

His departure left me feeling cold and hollow. I was sincerely touched by Serene’s attempt to reach out to me. My actions had not only hurt me but those who loved me as well.

Feeling sorry for myself wasn’t going to fix this irreparable wrong. I had to get to Christina and explain what happened. She must be thinking the worst.

I threw myself together, able to perfect my outward appearance but unable to fill the emptiness inside. I stared in the mirror, certain the changes went deeper than the color of my wings and the loss of my power. Searching my eyes revealed nothing obvious. Perhaps I’d expected the semblance of evil that showed in the eyes of a demon. I may not yet be one of them, though I was closer than I ever should have been.

Several phone calls to Christina went unanswered. Worry began to gnaw in the pit of my stomach. That feeling grew when I arrived at her apartment to find she was not home.

Leaning against the apartment door, I closed my eyes tight and thought hard, wondering where she could be. Then, much to my utter surprise, I felt myself being pulled toward her. I willed myself to be where she was, and it happened.

I remained unseen, grateful to have retained that ability until I took in my new surroundings. The hotel room was fancy. White carpets, decorative statues and a bucket of ice complete with a champagne bottle by the bed. The bed itself was large, loaded with fluffy blankets. Its appeal meant little to the couple upon it. It was, after all, merely a soft place to make a business transaction.

I was dumbstruck by what I saw. Heartbroken. I knew that creamy skin, the shock of jet-black hair across the pillow. And, that voice. There are legions of angels in the heavens and the earth, but not one with such a sweet tone.

Christina was entertaining what I presumed to be a client. They were in a provocative position, one that made me cringe in anguish. It was an act of twisted desire with the payoff being material goods rather than a genuine experience of love. It killed me to see such perversion of an act meant to be a gift.

I didn’t stay. Instead, I found myself sitting in Woody’s Pub with a shot of tequila in front of me. I spent a lot of time staring into the tiny glass.