The Program (The Program #1)(57)

I start to feel weak in his arms and I want to lie down, but he holds me fast. “You can’t fall apart now,” he soothes. “They’re going to know something is wrong.”

I look up at him then, at the scar on his neck. “I don’t understand,” I say, my chest aching. “You’re one of us.”

He nods. “I was in The Program last year”—he motions to his neck—“for an unfortunate incident with a serrated knife. But then I got here, got better. About halfway through, Dr. Warren pulled me aside and asked what I planned to do when I got out.

“I had nothing to go back for. My parents died a long time ago, and I couldn’t remember any of my friends. I had nothing. So Dr. Warren offered me a job—a future within The Program to rehabilitate patients. I signed a contract.”

“What do you do to us?”

He cringes, as if knowing I won’t like the answer. “Form healthy relationships; reestablish connections so that subjects aren’t shell-shocked when they leave. We were having relapses and meltdowns, and they determined it was from the trauma of reassimilating. Emotions are like raw nerve endings, and without some sort of preparation, it’s like sending back an exposed wire.”

“So you weren’t just pretending to be my friend?” I challenge. “You didn’t betray me and tell them the things we talked about? Things I can’t even remember anymore.”

“Of course I had to tell them,” he says. “I had to make sure the therapy was taking. And believe me, sweetness, you wouldn’t want to walk around with half memories anyway. You could go crazy.”

I yank my hands from his and push him back. “And kissing me? Was that part of my rehabilitation?” I’m embarrassed saying it, feeling cheated somehow. Used.

Realm shakes his head. “No, it wasn’t. I shouldn’t have done that.”

“Then why did you?”

Realm lowers his eyes. “I care about you. I’m lonely too. Just because I’m not a patient doesn’t mean that I don’t feel the same isolation you guys do. I’ve been here five weeks, Sloane. I want to leave. And I want to take you with me.”

I push him again, backing him to the bed. He doesn’t try and protect himself. The thought that Realm could have left at any point while I was held against my will makes me hate him. “Roger?” I ask suddenly. “Was he a part of this too?”

“No,” Realm says. “I mean, he used to be. But not anymore. He had no right to do the things he did. I didn’t know, I swear—”

“Yes, because your word means so much now.”

“I didn’t, Sloane. I would have done anything to protect you.”

“Is that before or after you helped them erase my life? Do you think I can forgive that? Do you think I can ever get over that?”

“I hope so,” he says. “I . . .” He stops, and his pale skin is even more white than usual—like he might get sick. “I have nothing. And this is the first time I thought I might be able to build a life again. When I leave here, I’ll have six weeks off before returning to The Program at a different facility. I’m under contract for two years—a contract I can’t break or they’ll erase everything about me. I’m trying to save both of us, and I thought that once you were released, we could be together.”

I laugh. I know it’s cruel, but I don’t care. I’m so hurt that I want to be mean. I want him to know what he’s done to me.

“Well,” I say, “that’s never going to happen. Your contract might end sooner than you think because it doesn’t look like my therapy is going to take, Michael.” I growl his name.

Realm grabs my wrists hard then, pulling me toward him. “Don’t say that. You’re getting out of here. But you don’t leave by fighting. They’ll never let you out that way.”

I scoff. “What do I have to do then? Kiss you until I’m released?”

He drops his arms. “No, and I understand if you don’t want to talk to me anymore. Please believe me when I say that wasn’t part of this. I kissed you because I wanted to. You’re strong and smart, and you make me want to live, Sloane.” He looks in my eyes. “But you can’t tell anyone about this. You’ll compromise me.”

There’s a loud knock at the door, and we both jump. I wipe again quickly at my face as Realm’s eyes flick between me and the door. The handle turns, and Nurse Kell pops her head in. “I have your medication, dears,” she says, her voice sickly sweet. Her shoulders are rigid, and I think that she’s been looking for us for a while.

“Take it,” Realm murmurs to me as he grabs the cup the nurse is holding out to him. He dips his chin to her in appreciation, and I reach for the other cup on the tray.

My hands are shaking so badly, I’m sure Nurse Kell has to notice. I stare down into the Dixie cup but don’t take the white pill. Instead I look back at Realm defiantly. His expression weakens, as if begging me.

“No,” I tell Nurse Kell. “I’m fine without it tonight.” I put the cup back on the tray and turn, walking across the room to stand by Realm’s side table. My entire body is pulsing with anger and hatred. I’m going to tear this f**king place apart.

I hear Realm whisper something to her, but I don’t turn to look. They can both go to hell. Dr. Warren can go to hell. I don’t even want to get out anymore. I just want to take them down.