The Program (The Program #1)(60)

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Realm is practically glued to my side at lunch. Under the harsh fluorescents, he looks more himself. And yet, I sense that something is off. Every time he touches my arm, or tries to take my hand, I shrink away. He doesn’t ask again if I like him, but I see the question in his eyes.

I leave him and decide to take a long shower, the nurses allowing it although one of them stays in the bathroom with me. I must be in there almost a half hour because my skin is pruned and I’m exhausted from the heat. Everything about today is wrong, my new freedom, my changed feelings. I almost skip dinner, but I’m hungry so I go downstairs.

At the last minute I decide to sit with Tabitha, ignoring Realm as he waits at our table. I can’t make sense of my emotions, of how I want to stay away from my only real friend.

“So are you and Realm, like, broken up?” Tabitha asks, poking her spork into her cube steak. Her hair is a shiny brunette, the red long gone. She hardly looks like the same person, but she seems healthier. Even her short-term memory seems restored.

“We weren’t dating,” I say, not glancing up.

“Yeah, right. He follows you around like a puppy, and you don’t seem to mind.” She pauses and smiles. “So can I take a shot at him?”

There’s a turn in my stomach, and I’m not sure if it’s jealousy or some sort of worry. “Go ahead, but he leaves in less than a week. Quick romance.”

“I’m just looking to have sex.”

I laugh and look up at her, but she just grins at me. “I knew that would get your attention.”

“I hope you’re kidding.” I’m still smiling as I put a green bean in my mouth. Tabitha stares past me at Realm, making kissy faces to his back as he faces away. Something about this moment is authentic, and I like it. “Hey,” I ask her. “Want to play cards with us later?”

Tabitha beams. “Seriously? You’re inviting me to hang with the cool kids?” She’s trying to sound sarcastic, but her expression tells me she’s thrilled to be included.

“You are hereby inducted into the club,” I say. And then just to make it official we cheers our cartons of milk.

CHAPTER SIXTEEN

“BULLSHIT, SLOANE,” REALM CALLS AS I SIT ACROSS from him.

My mouth twitches with a smile. “No way.”

“Show the cards.” Realm narrows his eyes like he thinks I’ll cheat. I look around the table at Tabitha, who’s giggling behind her hand, and Shep and Derek as they yell for me to flip my hand. I roll my eyes and turn them over.

Realm crosses his arms over his chest, looking impressed. “Three queens,” I say.

“Can’t believe you really had it,” Shep says, laughing as he slides the cards toward Realm. When Realm picks them up, he looks me over, studying my expression.

“Guess I can’t tell when you’re lying,” he says quietly.

“Guess you can’t.” I smile.

“I knew she was telling the truth,” Tabitha says, looking proud.

“Did not,” Shep argues.

I continue to grin as we start the next hand, and I feel normal. Maybe the most normal I’ve felt since coming to The Program. My medications have been cut down and my weight has stabilized. The fog that’s been with me since the beginning is gone.

This is real. When I look up, I see Realm watching me, his head tilted to the side. Just like in the garden, he seems a little sad, but I don’t know why. You’d think he’d be happy to be leaving The Program. He should be happy to be almost home.

Over the next few days, Tabitha wins every hand of Bullshit, even catches me lying once. I can’t help but think that none of us should be in here. We’re normal. No one’s talking about suicide, or crying. When I see the new patients come in, they’re a mess—sobbing and fighting. We’re a world apart from them now, and I can’t imagine that I was ever like that.

I’m sitting in my room reading a magazine when there’s a knock at my door. It opens slowly and Realm pops his head in. “Hey,” he says quietly.

I smile. “Hey.”

Realm enters, shutting the door behind him before taking a seat next to my bed, chewing on his lip. “I’m . . .” He clears his throat. “I’m leaving tomorrow, Sloane.”

There’s a heavy pain in my chest. “Oh.” We stare at each for a long minute, and then I hold up my arms and Realm climbs onto the bed to hug me. We stay like that for a long time before he sniffles and wipes his face.

“This is the first time I’ve seen you cry,” I say, my own voice choked up.

“Can I ask you something, Sloane?” Realm’s voice is low like he’s not sure he should.

“Of course.”

He pauses. “Can we see each other again—after all of this is over?”

I furrow my brow, thinking it’s a strange question to ask. That of course I would see him again. But inside, I feel doubt—that maybe I didn’t intend to find Realm. Like there’s something holding me back from him. When I don’t answer right away, he nods, a tear sliding down the side of his nose.

“I should go,” he says. “I’ve got to get back to the boys. They’re having a going-away party for me.”

“And I wasn’t invited?” I ask, not wanting Realm to leave. I feel terrible, like I’m a bad friend to him.