Letting Go (Surrender Trilogy #1)(86)

“Take care of her,” he said in a low voice. “Love her as much as I do.”

“I will. I do,” Dash said.

Then he reached for Joss and she took a hesitant step forward. Then another and another until she was in his arms. When she glanced in Carson’s direction, he was gone, fading until it was as if he had never been there.

“Carson,” she whispered brokenly. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” Then she glanced up at Dash, offering him reassurance. That she’d chosen him. “I love you,” she whispered. “You.”

TWENTY-EIGHT

DASH slowly came awake, the memory of the previous night fresh and vivid in his mind. He smiled, reaching for Joss, fully intending to make love to her all over again. But when he turned to her, he froze because she had a fretful look on her face and she was shaking her head, a low moan escaping her lips.

Her next words paralyzed him. Cut him to the core, slicing open his heart and draining away all the optimism he’d awakened with.

“Carson,” she whispered in a tortured voice. “I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.” There was a short pause and then, “I love you. You.”

Irrational anger seized him. Hurt and betrayal pounded through his veins. Goddamn it. Would Carson forever be between them? Would she never be able to let him go?

Her eyelids fluttered open and she looked up at him in sleepy confusion. Then her brow furrowed as she saw the evidence of his fury.

“Dash?”

“I’m glad you realize who’s in bed with you,” he said in an icy tone.

Her mouth dropped open. “What? What are you talking about?” She pushed up to her elbow, her hair falling like a curtain over her shoulders. “Dash, why are you so angry?”

The hurt confusion in her voice just pissed him off even more.

“You can’t let him go,” Dash said harshly. “Within hours of telling me you love me, you’re dreaming of him. Telling him you love him in your dream and apologizing, for f**k’s sake. For what? Cheating on him? Being disloyal to a dead man? Here’s a piece of information for you, Joss. Carson is dead. He’s not coming back. He left you and he’s not coming back. Get over it and deal with it.”

She went utterly pale, staring at him in disbelief.

“I’ll never measure up,” he continued brutally, driven to make her hurt every bit as much as he was hurting. “I don’t appreciate being a poor substitute for the man you lost, the man you can’t have. I’ll be damned if I do it any longer. I’ve been patient. I’ve been understanding. I’ve given you everything you’ve asked for.”

“You were never a substitute,” she said hoarsely.

“I refuse to have a third person in our bed, Joss. A dead man at that. It’s occurred to me that any man would have done for you. You don’t want to move on. You just want someone to f**k you and play master to your submissive. Hell, it would have been just any man, or don’t you remember that night at The House? It’s obvious you weren’t particular and any dick would have done.”

“You’re wrong,” she choked out, tears clouding her eyes and knotting her throat. “And I’m not going to lie here while you say things to purposely hurt me.”

“Good,” he said savagely. “It’s about time you hurt a tenth as much as I’ve hurt over the last years. I’m tired of trying to live up to a dead man’s memory. When are you going to accept that he’s gone? Jesus, Joss, even your safe word is a reminder of him. As if you need him to protect you from me. He’s constantly between us because you put him there and I can’t continue this lie any longer.”

“Are you saying we’re over?” she asked, her voice cracking, much like his own heart was shattering. “After I told you I loved you?”

“I can’t go on like this any longer, Joss. I’ve wasted far too much time waiting for something that will evidently never happen. I can’t continue putting my life on hold for a woman who will never truly be mine. I deserve better. You deserve better. And until you can put the past behind you for good and let go and move on, we don’t have a chance.”

He ran his hand roughly through his hair, frustrated, heartbroken and pissed.

Joss pushed herself up and hugged her knees together protectively, and it killed him that she thought she needed protection against him. But then hadn’t he just ripped her into the same shreds she’d ripped him into?

“I can’t believe you would be so callous,” she said, tears slipping down her cheeks. “You demanded my trust, expected it and would accept no less, but it’s obvious you haven’t given me that same trust you’ve demanded. I can’t be with a man who demands everything from me but gives nothing of himself in return. And certainly not his trust.”

“I guess that’s that then,” he said savagely, furious that she was making him feel guilt that he shouldn’t. He wasn’t the one holding back. He wasn’t the one refusing to let go of the past.

“Get out,” she said in a low voice. “Just get out. Go to work. Do whatever it is you do. But leave me the hell alone.”

“This is my house, goddamn it.”

She went even paler and then rolled from the bed, scrambling for clothing. “You’re right, Dash. This is your house. Your home. Not mine. It’s never been mine. I haven’t been allowed in. It’s you putting barriers between us, not me.”