Letting Go (Surrender Trilogy #1)(82)

“Thank you,” she choked out. “It’s been weighing on me so heavily. I had dreams a few weeks ago. When things with Dash were just heating up. Right after I moved in with him. And in those dreams, I had the choice of whether to have Carson back or hold on to Dash. And I couldn’t decide,” she said, agony in her voice. “I felt terrible because I’d always dreamed of having Carson back. I would have done anything to make that happen. And yet in my dream, I didn’t take that chance. I hesitated because Dash was there and I didn’t want to lose him.”

“Fuck your dreams,” Chessy said crudely. “They f**k with your mind, and here’s the thing, Joss. You can’t have Carson back, so it was a stupid dream and just your guilt manifesting itself in that dream. Carson is gone. So whether you would choose to have him back is a moot point. You can’t have him back. You’ll never get him back. So what you have to decide is if you’re going to spend the rest of your life grieving for him or if you’re going to take control of your future and not let a man who adores you go.”

“Trust Chessy to open up the can of whoop-ass,” Kylie said in amusement. “But I agree with her here. Carson loved you, Joss. He adored you. There was never any question of that. And I don’t believe for one minute that he’d like what you’re doing to yourself. He’d want you to be happy. I want you to be happy. But you have to want it for yourself.”

Joss nodded. “I love you guys. I’m so glad to see y’all both. I swear I won’t be so absent from now on. You’re too important to me.”

“Bet your ass you won’t,” Chessy muttered. “I’ll come to Dash’s house and haul you out by the hair. I was close to doing just that when you called to invite us to lunch, so consider yourself warned, girlfriend. I won’t be as patient in the future.”

Joss and Kylie both burst into laughter. Joss’s heart lightened as she stared at the women she loved so much. She’d needed this. This time with them and their advice and support. She hadn’t realized just how much the whole situation with Carson and Dash had weighed on her until she’d voiced her issues.

They seemed silly now and maybe she’d needed her friends’ approval even as she cringed over the idea that she couldn’t simply own her choices and move forward. It wasn’t fair to Dash or herself.

“So when are you going to tell him you love him?” Chessy asked curiously.

The question startled Joss because she hadn’t fully admitted the depth of her feelings to herself, much less anyone else. But as she pondered Chessy’s question, she realized that she did. It was there. Maybe it had been there from the start.

“It just seems so soon,” Joss murmured.

Kylie snorted. “Like you didn’t fall for my brother just as quickly? Hell, Joss, you both fell head over heels. I think Carson was a goner before you were. And look how well that turned out. If you’re concerned that falling in love so quickly is a bad thing, consider that you and Carson would still be together and in love if he hadn’t died. Falling fast doesn’t make it any less strong. If it’s there, it’s there.”

“A timeline doesn’t make love any less real or true,” Chessy said gently. “Kylie’s right. You and Carson both fell hard and fast, and it didn’t make your love any less solid, just like it won’t make your feelings for Dash any less strong just because you fell so quickly. Look at me and Tate. We were together, what, two weeks before he proposed?”

“And are you still happy?” Joss asked challengingly.

She and Kylie exchanged quick glances. It was obvious Kylie was as worried about Chessy’s marriage as Joss was herself. It was equally evident, though Joss hadn’t spent much time with Chessy over the last weeks, that something was off between her and Tate.

Chessy’s smile faltered but she quickly recovered. “It’s fine. We’re fine,” she amended. “Just different now. But relationships are like that. We can’t stay in the honeymoon stage forever. Our needs are different now. He’s juggling a very difficult business and he’s often called away with clients or has to travel. But we’ll be okay. I still love him as much as I ever have and I know he loves me.”

Somewhat reassured by her friend’s fervent response, Joss nodded. Kylie still had a look of doubt on her face, but that was Kylie. Fiercely loyal and protective of her friends, even if her mouth got away from her at times. But Joss knew that Kylie had her’s and Chessy’s best interests at heart, and that her heart was as big as the state of Texas.

“So let’s order. I’m starving,” Chessy said, swiftly changing the topic.

Joss allowed her to redirect the focus from her and Tate’s relationship, and Joss motioned for the waiter hovering nearby. The women ordered and then spent the rest of lunch laughing and catching up.

But Joss’s thoughts drifted time and time again to Dash. And when she’d fully cement their relationship by offering him the words. I love you. Such simple words, and yet they terrified her because it signaled a whole different level of vulnerability for her.

She thought Dash cared for her very deeply. Perhaps he had for a long time, judging by his past comments. But he hadn’t told her he loved her. Perhaps he was merely waiting for her to say it first. He’d already risked so much, and she could understand why he wouldn’t want to put himself out there before knowing exactly where she stood.