Blonde & Blue (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #4)(54)

Her jaw dropped, and she reached out as if to slap me. I warded her off with my spoon. “Don’t be an idiot, Alexa. Don’t tell him! Especially not if it was a one time thing that’s never going to happen again. Why hurt him for no reason?”

This reaction from Jez didn’t come as a surprise. I didn’t share her opinion. “I can’t hide this from him. He would find out somehow anyway, and it would be so much worse. No. Shaz is one person I will never hide anything from.”

Jez frowned. “Well, let me know how that goes.”

My stomach turned at the thought of confessing my sin to Shaz. Tomorrow night. I had to do it. Putting it off any longer would be pushing it. It would look like I was hiding it.

“Enough about me.” I rushed to change the subject before she could persist. “How are you really feeling? Do you need anything?”

“Nothing I can’t obtain through a phone call for takeout. Really, I’ll be fine. I think I just need to sleep for a few days.”

Despite her weak energy and pale skin, the spark in her eyes reassured me that she would be fine. Kale had gotten lucky this time. He would never forgive himself for this. It would have destroyed what fragment of sanity and true-self Kale still possessed if he’d killed her.

“Lay low for a while. At least until those blood ring vamps are dealt with. You’d never stand a chance against them in this state.” I studied her closely, sensing the breaks in her aura. She felt weak like prey. “And, stay away from Kale, too. Don’t be alone with him for a while.”

Jez laughed bitterly. “You don’t have to tell me twice. You’ll probably see him before I do. Can you tell him something for me? Tell him I forgive him. I just can’t be around him right now. Maybe not for a while.”

“Of course. I’ll pass that along though, honestly, I’m not sure I can be around him right now either.”

The conversation took a more casual turn, and I happily used the chatter as a temporary escape from my thoughts. It didn’t take long to tire Jez out. Though she begged me to stay for a movie, I insisted on letting her rest. Nocturnal or not, Jez needed sleep. And, I needed to scratch the itch of bloodlust growing in the pit of my stomach.

“Call me if you need anything,” I repeated like an annoying mother hen. “I mean it.”

“Does that include some tender loving?” she teased with a grin. It was nice to see her smile. It banished the image of her lying there on the floor bleeding out.

I pulled her close for a hug before heading for the door. “I’ll see what I can do.”

All jokes aside, Jez had come frightfully close to death at the hands of someone she trusted. I had to admit that I was glad that I wasn’t the one who had attacked her. I’d tried once. Ironically, Kale had been the one to stop me. If only I’d been there to do the same for him.

Every creature, human or otherwise, was driven by some kind of hunger, some dark desires. Knowing that didn’t make me feel like any less of a monster. As a naive newbie to the supernatural world, I’d truly believed using my abilities to hunt others was doing good, making it all right somehow. Now I saw the other side. My job was no more than a way to ease the urge to kill while reducing the risk of public exposure. Even that was no longer enough for me.

The bloodlust rose up to remind me that I would have no relief. Between the hunger for human blood and the yearning for more than what hunting newborn vampires could give me, I was like a junkie in need of a fix. I was sick of being a slave to my desires. Something had to give.

Flirting with the idea of finding my own willing victim, I, like many others, was drawn to The Wicked Kiss. If the source of the blood I desired was willing, how wrong could it be? It seemed so simple, like a twisted bloodlust booty call. Yet, I couldn’t bring myself to do it once I got there.

As close to a vampire as I was, I still was not one. Letting myself come to their feeding ground seeking a fix made me feel more like a junkie than anything else I’d done so far. I couldn’t do it. The wolf and the woman that I was refused to allow it. I found relief in that. The vampire inside could only push me so far. I was wolf, and I’d been born human; I had to hold tight to that.

It wasn’t the first time I’d stared around the inside of the nightclub and felt the shadow of regret. Binding myself to Arys wasn’t what I wished I could take back. I feared the future I’d created for myself. Rising as a vampire had seemed like some far off event that might or might not happen. But, it would happen. I would be one of them, and that knowledge sickened me. The deeper I sank into their world, the more I realized that I didn’t want to belong to it.

Leaning against the wall in the dark, I crossed my arms over my chest and stared at the floor. I couldn’t stand to watch the human donors throw themselves around. I’d never understand why they wanted to flirt with death in such a way. Surely some of them held to the hope they would be turned. They were all f**king crazy.

I was torn up inside and frightened by some of the thoughts and future scenarios playing out in my head. Bound by blood to a vampire, I was destined to rise as one after my death. It sounded pretty cut and dried, but was anything ever so simple? I could never voice these feelings to Arys. He would take it personally when it had nothing to do with our emotional attachment at all. This was all me.

I sensed the presence of a werewolf seconds before Shaz strode through the door separating the club from the private area. My heart skipped a beat when my gaze landed on the black-haired vampiress at his side. The wolf within rose up with a vicious snarl, and it was all I could do to contain myself.