Blonde & Blue (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #4)(50)

“Holy shit, Arys. Are you trying to give me a heart attack?”

He retreated into the living room, expecting me to follow. Ignoring the coffee spill on the floor, I did follow, squinting as my eyes adjusted to the lack of light. The windows were so heavily draped, not a sliver of light made it through.

“How is Jez?” With a dark brow raised, he fixed me with a pointed look. Instead of sitting down like I’d expected, he remained standing in the center of the room.

I shifted my weight from one foot to the other, feeling awkward. “She’ll be ok. I didn’t get a chance to see her yet. I ended up talking with Lilah at the office.”

“You’ll be happy to know I never saw Kale. Your illicit lover remains alive to tempt you another night.” His tone dripped venom, and I cringed.

I couldn’t say anything to that, so I sipped my coffee, seeking comfort in the simple act but finding none. If he was going to rant and rave, maybe even lash out at me, I’d stand there and take it. He had every right.

When Arys saw that I wasn’t going to offer an excuse or protest, some of the fire in his eyes burned out. “Dammit, Alexa! I want to ask you why, but I already know. I’ve been there. And, I gave in every damn time, too. But, it makes me sick with jealously, and I hate that I feel something so trivial and human.”

“Is it human though? Why are all negative feelings simply human in your eyes, Arys? I saw pain in the eyes of a demon tonight, and I know damn well she’s never been human.”

His jaw clenched, and his gaze fell to the floor. “I want to kill him. Part of me wants to do it just to hurt you. And, then this little voice, this little f**king annoying voice reminds me that would make me a hypocrite.”

“I’m not going to try to justify what happened. I know I can’t, and I’m really not sure what to say here.” Honesty seemed like the best policy. Arys was freaking me out a little.

“I have been where you are, Alexa. The power and the attraction, how it draws them to you, and they just can’t get enough. It’s what we are. And, it’s in our nature to take advantage of that.” Crossing his arms over his chest, he turned away from me. “I’ve been around a long time. Some might say too long. I have been with many lovers, though I have loved very few of them. Do you love him?”

Arys turned that drowning blue gaze on me, and I sputtered coffee. I knew what he was saying. Sexual energy was part of the feed. Arys expected that the allure would at times cross into a full physical expression. He was separating this into two categories, feeding and love. And, I knew what he wanted to hear.

“I don’t know.” Wrong answer. “I mean, I care about him. He’s my friend. But am I in love with him? I just don’t know.”

I fought to maintain steady eye contact with him. It was near impossible. He stared into me, and I felt like he was seeing parts of me I couldn’t even access.

A few steps brought Arys painfully close to me. “If you were in love with him, you’d know. So either you’re deluding yourself from your true feelings, or you’re using him. It makes sense. He shares your weakness, your pain. It unites you. And, for a few minutes, that brings you peace.”

White noise roared in my ears. Images flashed through my mind of Kale’s agony and his need when he took me outside The Kiss. I’d shared it, every emotion. Together we had sought escape. Maybe Arys was right.

I sat down hard on the couch, spilling my coffee again. I stared at the splash of creamy brown liquid on the back of my hand, wondering when everything had gotten so complicated.

“It won’t happen again.” It couldn’t. Kale was in love with me, and whatever it was that I felt for him, it could never be what he needed.

With an exasperated sigh, Arys picked up a photo from the mantel and put it back down. He was restless. The photo was of me. Shaz had taken it the summer before, when I wasn’t looking. It was a profile shot with the sun setting in the background. It had been taken at Kylarai’s.

“It will.” Arys sat on the opposite end of the couch. He didn’t glance my way. “I understand what you’re going through, Alexa, the bloodlust and the power. It’s so much to handle. But, I’m not where you are. Not anymore. I can only do so much to help you. But please, give me the chance to try.”

“Arys, I do need help.” My voice cracked with emotion. I willed him to look at me. “Things are changing. I’m changing. I’ll never get through it without you. Please, don’t let me self-destruct.”

Reaching across the center cushion that separated us, he took my hand. That small gesture meant a lot. “Ah, my wolf. If only it were that easy. Self destruction is a choice one makes. I’d assumed you’d be a vampire before it got this bad. I was wrong.”

“I don’t think anything goes the way we expect it to. Not in our world.” I abandoned what was left of my coffee on the glass top table beside the couch. Caffeine wouldn’t help me now.

“Certainly not as far as you’re concerned.” He laughed dryly. The sound was hollow. “You can’t make yourself a victim to the weaknesses anymore. It’s time to take control.”

“I know.” Fighting the bloodlust and its urges was taking a toll on me. I couldn’t keep doing it. “Resisting just makes it so much worse.”

“If you weren’t so damn stubborn, you wouldn’t suffer the way you do. Feeding on life, it’s what we do. Look at the rest of the world. Everyone is feeding off each other in this big, sordid mass of broken energy and fragmented souls. What makes us any worse than the rest of them?”