Blonde & Blue (Alexa O'Brien, Huntress #4)(51)

He wasn’t wrong. The line between black and white had long since blurred to grey. Good and evil danced together, each unable to truly exist without the other. Humans had proven themselves to be just as evil as any of us. Still, the need to know I wasn’t like the vampires burned in me. I was surrounded by creatures that thrived on the lives of others, and I couldn’t accept that I was one of them. Not entirely.

“I feel like every night is a fight. All I want to do is give in, but I feel like letting myself is admitting defeat.” Sharing this inner truth with Arys lifted the weight of it. I didn’t want to constantly feel like I was fighting a losing battle. I just wanted to be.

“The only way to control it is to stop fighting. Otherwise, you risk driving yourself mad.” His expression was haunted.

I remembered enough of his early memories to know Arys had put up the same fight I had. That side of him ceased to exist. He was all vampire now and more than happy to be. Would I, too, one day look back at this and be glad I was rid of this part of myself? The thought was overwhelming.

“I hate Raoul.” The admission came unbidden as I sought a source to blame. “If he hadn’t attacked me, if I’d never been anything other than human …”

Arys released my hand, but he moved closer, his action demanding my attention. “You wouldn’t be here with me right now. Nor would you have anyone or anything you now hold dear to you. Don’t play the ‘what if’ game, Alexa. Life was never meant to be any way other than how it is. That’s one thing I promise will be proven in time. Living in regret is not living at all.”

“Listen to you and your centuries old wisdom.” I gave him a playful shove. “I don’t want to be like this, Arys, a slave to the power and bloodlust. I don’t want it to tear apart my sanity or my relationships with the people I love.”

“It’s a drug.” Arys nodded knowingly, reaching to touch a dreadlocked chunk of my disastrous hair. “As long as you resist the call, it will make you its slave. It’s only when you finally accept that it’s a part of you that you realize it’s really not so bad.”

Spoken like a true junkie. Arys had long since made his peace with it. I had yet to do the same.

“I’m not ready to let it become part of me yet.” My voice had dropped to a whisper. Constantly fighting the many hungers I possessed was draining. I needed to escape, if only for a while.

“It already is. It’s too late for that.” Arys turned the matted lock of blond hair over in his hand, but his eyes were on me. “You’re stronger than you think you are. Nobody can help you – you can’t even help yourself – until you believe that.”

The urge to crawl into his lap and find comfort in his embrace was strong. I didn’t do it. I feared his rejection. Fatigue began to set in as the previous evening caught up with me. I longed for sleep, the only place where I might find a brief reprieve.

Arys’ touch was gentle when he pulled me close and pressed his lips to my temple. “Go home, Alexa. Get some rest. There’s nothing more to say right now.” When I gazed up at him, wide-eyed and fearful, he brushed a soft kiss across my lips. “I love you.”

Stepping out of the comforting darkness of Arys’ small bungalow into the bright morning sun was disorienting. It burned my eyes, and I reached for the sunglasses that should have been perched atop my head but found none. I must have left them in the car. Scatterbrained and exhausted, I avoided home and instead headed for Kylarai’s side of town.

I needed to be alone in the comfort of the forest. I needed to be wolf. Sometimes I went there and believed everything would be right with the world if I never left. This was one of those times.

Chapter Fourteen

Despite the craziness of the previous night, I woke up at sunset in the mood to kick some ass. I needed to burn off the pent-up frustration and aggression. The approach of the full moon was causing my wolf to stir restlessly. It was less than a week away, and I could feel it singing in my blood.

Avoiding Shaz was harder than I’d anticipated. I knew I had to come clean with him about Kale. I wasn’t ready yet. During a brief phone call I told him I was spending the night prowling for something ugly to kill. I needed to pay Jez a visit as well. I felt relief when he said he was going to run with Kylarai. He’d be safe with her in our small town instead of in the city where ass**les like Claire and Maxwell were waiting for the right opportunity to cause more chaos.

After spending the day in the forest, a hot shower felt like heaven. I tied my hair back in a ponytail and dressed for a hunt in leggings and a black top that said, “Suck it.” I was hoping to find a vampire or other big nasty up to no good. I was eager to try out the Dragon Claw, and a good kill was just the therapy I needed.

Veryl would have been an ideal target. I contemplated it many times during the short drive from Stony to Edmonton. It didn’t feel right though. Not tonight. I wasn’t in the right head space for him. Tonight I wanted a mindless kill, something I could just have fun with. Veryl was different. With him, it was personal.

The bloodlust lurked, rising up to claw at my insides before slipping back into the recesses of my mind. Eventually I’d have to accept that it would always be with me. Ignoring it had proven to be careless and stupid. Sating the bloodlust was going to have to wait, though. The need to kill something that could fight back was dominant.