Until I Saw You(14)

“Your wish is my command,” she murmurs breathlessly.

My hand clenches into a fist as I try to rein in my hunger for her. I don’t want to scare her.

“Get on the bed, Jessie,” I order her, my voice commanding. I need to be softer for her, but I just can’t manage it right now.

Her eyes widen, but she does as I ask. I take out my billfold and lay it on her nightstand, and then I push my pants down quickly. My cock is rock hard and leaning out toward her. She can’t know how new that is for me. I’m not a virgin, but this isn’t exactly an everyday occurrence either. I could probably count the times I’ve had sex on my hands. The sad truth is I’ve never had sex sober… It hasn’t been possible. Somewhere in the back of my mind I’m worried I won’t be able to—even now. I’m hard, which is a miracle that doesn’t happen really. Except with Jessie. I’m always hard around her. From the beginning my reactions to her have been different than they’ve ever been in my life. But even though my body is willing… Will my mind leave me alone long enough to bring her pleasure?

I swore when I got sober and walked away from my past, I’d leave it there. I literally killed to leave it in my past. Still, the memories taint everything. I might be sober, I might have walked away from that life and chosen to live, but I don’t think I’ll ever be clean.

“Allen?” Jessie whispers, bringing my attention back to her. She reaches out a hand to me. “I don’t know where you went just now,” she says, her voice still soft.

“Jessie—”

“But I’m asking you right now to come back to me, Allen. Stay with me,” she says and I find myself putting my hand in hers and joining her on the bed.

For now, at least, my past is held back by the simple touch of a woman who soothes my soul like nothing ever has before.





14





Jessie





For a moment, Allen looked completely lost. It was like he completely left the room, even though his body was here with me. There was despair on his face, so stark and clear it was painful to see. I don’t know what is going on with him, but I know it’s hurting him and I want to soothe that—if only for tonight.

He gets down on the bed with me and I hold his face, letting my fingers rub against his soft beard. His body is warm, and it soothes the nerves thrumming through me.

“You’re so beautiful,” I tell him, his dark eyes burning me with their intensity. His large body against mine feels solid and huge, but safe at the same time. His tattoos are wrapped around his body, telling stories that I can only guess at, but stories that I want to hear.

“I think that’s my line, Mouse,” he murmurs, and his arms go around me as he kisses my forehead gently. He settles on his back, and gently pulls my body over him, so I’m lying on him.

“I should probably confess something, Allen.”

“What’s that, sweetheart?” he asks. He slides his fingers into my hair and then moves them down to gently touch my face.

“I’m kind of new to this,” I tell him quietly. His body goes still and I’m afraid I screwed up telling him that.

“How new?” he asks.

“I’m…”

“Jessie?” he prompts when I trail off, feeling out of my depth.

“I’m a virgin.”

“Maybe… I mean, your first time should be with…”

“You. I want it with you, Allen. No one else.”

“I don’t know if I’m the right person…”

“You don’t want me?” I ask, suddenly feeling like I shouldn’t be here. I go to move off of him, my arm going down to shield my breasts. His fingers bite into my hip, refusing to let me leave.

“I want you more than you will ever know, Jessie, and that’s the God’s honest truth.”

“Then I don’t understand,” I tell him. I’m trying to wade through the crazy mixed signals he keeps giving me, but I’m lost.

“Virginity is special, Jessie.” His words make the heat I feel intensify. I know I’m blushing, but I do my best to fight through my embarrassment.

“Would you rather I give it to another man? Would that make me more appealing?” I mutter, sounding and feeling annoyed. I mean, I know there aren’t many virgins left in today’s world—especially my age. But that doesn’t mean I’m some kind of freak.

“Fuck no. Jesus, I keep screwing this up,” Allen growls and I don’t reply, because he’s not wrong and I’m getting dizzy trying to understand. “You should be able to give your virginity to a man you love and one who will be by your side. Not a man you know almost nothing about and who has to go back to Miami tomorrow.”

“Miami’s not that far away, Allen. It’s in the same state.”

“It’s over five hours, Jessie.”

“I’m confused. Are you trying to talk me out of having sex with you, or are you trying to make it clear you have no intention of continuing our relationship after tonight?”

“Jessie, I just don’t want to lead you on. My life is… complicated.”

“I think I should go get dressed. If my being a virgin freaks you out so much I’ll find someone who—”