Until I Saw You(18)

I cry for the fact that I finally met the man I’ve always dreamed of. I cry because I touched something so sweet I never knew it existed, but most of all I cry because I think I’ve met the man that I will love for the rest of my life and I’ve lost him…

Because he doesn’t love me back.





18





Allen





“What’s going on with you?”

I look over at Ana and shake my head. I don’t want this conversation and the morning I left St. Augustine I made it clear to both her and Roman that I didn’t want to discuss any of this. Ana’s been silent for three days, which I know is hard for her and because of that, I knew this was coming. I know what she’s asking, but I’m going to ignore it and hope she takes the hint.

“Just doing my job, sis,” I tell her and that’s not a lie. We’re standing outside of Roman’s office door at his club. He’s in there talking with the club’s manager. My job today is to make sure no one disturbs him, to make sure no one gets near enough to hurt him. Roman’s a powerful man and he has some major enemies. Sometimes I keep Ana and my nephew safe, sometimes I protect Roman. It’s a job he trusts me with—despite my past—and I will never fail him. I owe Roman more than I could ever explain. He might not be a good man in the eye of Miami’s finest—although he’s cleaned up his organization since marrying Ana and having a baby with her. Still he’s not squeaky clean and he’s warned Ana he probably never will be. He loves her, though, and she loves him. They made their peace on the other stuff and I’ve never seen two people more in love. There was a time when Roman thought he had lost Ana forever and the man crumbled. I didn’t truly understand it, not then, but after three days without Jessie, I think I’m finally beginning to. The difference, however, is that Roman—despite what the law around here thinks—is the best man I’ve ever met. He deserves happiness. He deserves Ana and his child and he proves that every day.

I am a selfish prick who wasn’t even strong enough to stay away from Jessie when I knew going in that she deserved better. I’m the selfish prick who held her all night and wished things could be different, that I could be a man she was proud of and then left before the morning sun came up—without a word, because I knew there was nothing I could do to change my past.

“I never realized what a moron you were, Allen.”

“I doubt that. You nearly destroyed your life trying to save mine,” I tell her, clearing my throat because it feels like those words tear up my insides just from the effort it takes to speak them.

“You’re not that person, Allen. Not anymore.”

“I am that person, Ana. I’ll always be that person. I was an addict, scum who did unspeakable things just for my next high. I nearly got my own sister killed and back then I wouldn’t have cared. I hated you. I blamed you.”

“It was my fault,” she whispers, her voice full of sorrow and that sorrow is so thick it threatens to drown me. It sounds completely wrong coming from my sister too. A sister who deserves nothing but happiness and is finally living her dream.

“It wasn’t your fault. You didn’t know just how sick the world was.”

“But, Allen—”

“Ana, you know I don’t talk about this shit. I know you feel guilty over it and part of that’s my fault because I blamed you.”

“You should have!” she cries.

“No. I shouldn’t have. You had no control over the man that … the man that did that to me. I blamed you, because it was easy to blame you. Not because it was your fault. You were just a kid too.”

“I was the older sister. I should have protected you, not hid in a closet,” she argues her voice full of old pain. There are tears shining in her eyes and I hate them. Ana’s cried enough over me.

“He was coming after you. And you were only three years older. We were children. You ran and hid. Hell, I would have too… eventually I did.”

“He just kept finding you.”

“It’s over now. I’m not that scared kid and, thanks to you and Roman, I’m not the boy hiding behind his memories in drugs. I’m clean, I’ve put the past behind me. I live a good life.”

“It would be better with Jessie in it,” Ana says, proving she’s never going to be the girl who lets sleeping dogs lie.

“I may be a different person, but all that stuff is still in my past, Ana. Jessie is special. She’s innocent. Do you really think she deserves a man like me in her life?” I ask her, and even asking I know it’s not fair. Ana knows about the man who made my life hell. She doesn’t know about the blood on my hands. That’s a secret only Roman and I share and it will stay that way.

“I think she would be lucky to have a man like you in her life. You have so much to offer, Allen,” Ana says softly, her hand coming up to touch the side of my face. “You deserve happiness, little brother. More than anyone I know.”

“Happiness is not meant for people who grew up like we did, Ana. You got your miracle because of Roman. It’s best not to rock the boat trying to get another.”

“I think you’re wrong, Allen. I think Jessie is your miracle. You just need to give her a chance.”