Until I Saw You(10)

Allen pulls away and I cry out in disappointment. I open my eyes, dragging air into my lungs. His hand tightens almost painfully on my breast.

“You’re so dangerous,” he groans.

“I wouldn’t hurt you, Allen,” I tell him because something in his eyes compels me to assure him of that.

“You could hurt me more than anyone ever has, and that’s admitting to more than you could ever guess, Jessie.”

“Allen—”

“I better get home.”

“What if I asked you to stay?”

“I want to,” he answers, and joy begins to spread through me—right before he ends it. “But I won’t.”

“Allen—”

“Not tonight, sweetheart. But I’ll be back tomorrow.”

“I don’t want you to go,” I tell him, completely honest.

“And I don’t want to, but I’m going to.”

“I—”

“There’s things you don’t know, Jessie.”

“So tell me,” I urge him.

“If this keeps going in the direction it is, I will, Mouse. I promise,” he says, his fingers combing through my hair.

“I really like you, Allen.” My words make his lips twitch so that he almost smiles. I want him to smile and suddenly I need him to… because I can see sadness in his eyes. I want that sadness gone. “I like you so much, I don’t even mind your calling me a rodent.”

That does it. He does smile and this one helps to lift the sadness from his gaze and for tonight that feels like a victory. With Allen, I’m beginning to realize being with him might be a war… which means victories—no matter how small—are a good thing.





9





Allen





“You’ve found her, haven’t you?”

I look up at Roman as he walks toward me. We’re at the pool beside the luxury resort that we’re staying in. Ana and little Roman are playing in the kiddie pool. My eyes haven’t left them.

That’s not unusual. My job is to watch my sister and nephew constantly, to make sure they’re always safe. I’m grateful that Roman has developed enough trust in me to give me this job. When I look at them sometimes my heart hurts in my damn chest. I don’t deserve to still have Ana in my life. I blamed her for so much. I pushed her away, I put her life in danger… Fuck.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about, man,” I lie. I know exactly what Roman is talking about.

Jessie.

Roman’s right. I have found the one. She hit my life like a keg of dynamite the first time I saw her. I was dazzled by the display while the resounding boom was still ringing in my ears. She’s the one. She’s most definitely the one. The one thing Roman doesn’t understand is…

I’m not him.

“Bullshit,” Roman says, shaking the ice in his almost empty scotch. “Don’t fuck with me, Allen. I’ve built my life on reading people.”

“I can’t have her, Roman.”

“Why the hell not?”

“I’m not you, okay? I am who I am and nothing is going to change my past,” I growl.

I watch as Ana plays with my nephew’s boats and they’re laughing. Ana’s so happy. She deserves all this and more. I’m here because of her, but there’s not one thing about this life that I deserve—not after the things I’ve done.

“You’re right,” Roman says with such finality I jerk my head around. I mean, I knew what I was saying, but I at least expected the bastard to try and talk me out of it.

“I—”

“Your past is fucked up. So was mine. You weren’t alone in that room that day exacting your revenge on that bastard. I was right there with you and, Allen, you’ve worked with me enough to know exactly how I deal with men who cross me,” Roman says and I rub the back of my neck, working on the tension gathering there. “You know exactly what I expect from the men who work for me to protect my family. I’ve never been good enough for Ana or my son. I never will be.”

“Bullshit—”

“But they’re mine,” he says, interrupting me and sitting down in a lounger. I jerk around to look at him. His face is completely closed off but there’s a fire in his eyes. “And I’d kill any son of a bitch who would try to harm them or take them away from me.”

“Roman—”

“It’s not about being a good man, Allen. I’ve never been a good man and I once roamed the same fucking streets you did. What brought us to the roads you and I travel might not be the same—but they’re not all that different.”

“She deserves better than me, Roman, and no matter what you say, man… it’s not the same. I’ll never be clean. There are times I shower in water so damn hot my skin feels like it will boil, until I fucking bleed—”

“Allen…”

“And I still don’t feel clean. I’ll never feel clean.”

“You need to get back into therapy.”

“It was bullshit. It’s all bullshit. Nothing they say. Nothing I do can erase the past or the things done to me. They are inside of me, they’ve become a poison in my system and I might have pulled my life together thanks to you and Ana, but that poison still sits inside of me, reminding me. Every. Damn. Day.”