Through the Fire (Daughter of Fire, #1)(46)

“I care about you,” he replied, it was clear each word was selected with careful intent. “And we certainly have fun together. But love? I can’t really say. What is love exactly? How on Earth are you supposed to know if you’re in love?”

“I think if you need to ask, you’re not in love.”

He shrugged casually in response as if my answer made perfect sense to him. “Then I guess not,” he said. “Why do you ask? Does it change anything?”

I shook my head. “Not really.”

“What brought this on?”

“I saw you today, with Willow.”

“Oh.” He frowned. “Have you changed your mind since our conversation about monogamy? If so, you should have brought it to my attention. I would do most anything to avoid hurting you. Wait . . . Are you in love?” he queried. It almost sounded like he was a little concerned that I might say yes.

Taking a deep breath, I nodded slowly. “Yeah, I am . . .”

His eyes seemed to widen slightly.

“But not with you.” My heart was in my throat as I added the second part. I hated to hurt him, which I was about to do. Love or no, he enjoyed my company. I needed him to know the truth though. I dropped my gaze away from his piercing eyes and stared pointedly at my hands, twisting them against each other in my discomfort.

“Then who with?” His question was filled with a quiet curiosity seemingly more related to the timing of the statement than the actual declaration.

“A boy I knew a lifetime ago.” The words didn’t come close to encompassing what Clay and I had, but I said it to remind myself how little I actually knew about Clay’s life since I’d last seen him. He could be living anywhere.

Hunting anything.

Screwing anyone.

“If it was long ago, why do you believe that you are in love with him?”

“It’s this feeling I get whenever I think about him,” I admitted quietly. “And an ache in my chest whenever he’s not near. It’s like every day that I have to spend apart from him is harder than the last, rather than easier.”

“Does his touch leave a lingering presence on your skin?”

I nodded, wondering how he could possibly know that.

“What you are describing is impossible, Lynnie.”

“Why?”

“It sounds stronger than any human version of love I have ever heard of, at least from your side. It is almost reminiscent of our legends of an entwined aura.”

“What’s that?”

“The special union I mentioned when you first arrived. Once in a blue moon, two fae are entwined. Their fates are wrought together, leading them to one another until they connect. When they meet, their auras will entwine. This joins them together in a bond stronger than any other force.”

“That sounds nice,” I murmured as I thought about how wonderful it would be if the union between Clay and me were that easy. “I wish it was that simple for us. Fate has never brought us together though. It has only ever ripped us apart.” I hung my head at the thought.

“I said almost reminiscent. Entwining only happens among the fae. However, you are probably correct to call it love.” He paused for a moment, before asking, “When you kissed me, were you thinking of him?”

I hung my head in shame as I nodded again.

“Then he is indeed a fortunate man.”

Despite the weight on my heart, I chuckled.

“Am I right to assume that you are planning to leave the court to search for him?” he asked sadly.

Meeting his eyes again, I blinked back tears that I didn’t deserve to cry and nodded. “I can never thank you enough for everything you’ve done for me, but I can’t stay. I have someone out there who I love and who might still love me—I owe it to myself to find him and see what happens.”

“I was not untruthful when I said I cared for you, Lynnie. I really do want your happiness. If this boy is what it will take to give you joy, then I will support you whole-heartedly. I will even give you what assistance I can.” Aiden reached his hands out for mine. “However, I am going to dearly miss you.”

I wanted to say I would miss him too—but I wasn’t certain what the world held for me once I turned my back on the fae. I would always have fond memories of my time in the court, even if other things buried them over time.

“I’m sorry.” The statement was entirely too inadequate to sum up everything I wanted to say, but it was all I had.

“Maybe you can tell me a little about him? If he is what you need to find happiness, I would like to assist you in your search.”

I coughed out a sound that was halfway between a laugh and a sob. “You’ll think I’m an idiot if I tell you about him.”

“Maybe I think you are an idiot anyway?” Aiden joked.

Choking back a laugh, I swatted him playfully before lifting my gaze to stare at a spot on the ceiling. “He’s Rain,” I admitted in a whisper.

He froze in place. “Rain?” he asked quietly. He seemed solemn for a moment as he rubbed his chin thoughtfully. “If he is Rain then you are an idiot,” he said finally.

The tears I’d been holding back fell as a bark of laughter left me. “Probably! But I can’t help the way I feel. I’ve been haunted by what-ifs ever since he left me.”