This Close to Okay(82)

“Well, maybe you wouldn’t know what I sound like now anyway. Maybe you don’t know me anymore, Joel. You have a new life, and I’m allowed to have a new life, too.”

Joel took a deep breath in acceptance and put his arm around the back of her chair. “I’m glad I came to see Lionel.”

“She doesn’t care that you left?” Tallie asked.

“No. She knows Lionel is like a brother to me.”

“Did you tell her about the emails?”

“No.”

“Whoa—not even one full year into your marriage and you’re already keeping secrets? Tsk, tsk,” Tallie said. Joel didn’t say anything, just touched his beard. “Rye is not one of my clients. I call them clients, not patients. I’ve told you so many times and you forget. And he’s not missing. It’s none of your business, but he has issues with his family, and he’s taking care of them.”

She pictured Rye in her car. She imagined him gone already, breaking his promise, finding his way to the bridge alone or getting lost in the dark. She looked at the clock on the wall.

“I apologize, truly. I’m just confused. Everything is really confusing right now.”

“Because you shouldn’t be here, Joel,” she said. He didn’t object, just cleared his throat.

“Your cats. How are your cats?”

“They’re fine.”

“They don’t miss me?”

Tallie laughed a little and shook her head. “How’s your horse?” she asked.

“It’s…it’s not my horse. It’s hers.”

“Right. Got it.”

“Hey, so…you’re thinking of adopting a baby?” Joel asked after a minute of silence.

“I am.”

“With Nico…or this guy…or?”

“Alone!”

“Gotcha.”

Bless his heart, she thought. Joel, relieved she wasn’t having a child with someone else so he wouldn’t have to feel the way she’d been feeling.

“Yeah, well…I saw the latest picture of Pearl. She’s pretty. Got your hair.” Tallie touched his ponytail, looked at the clock again. Her eyes stung from exhaustion and bewilderment. Who was she? Where was she? What had happened? She sniffed and turned away. “I’ve got to leave and take Rye…back. I don’t know what else to say.”

“So whose year is it? Gus or Judith?” Joel asked, knowing too well about her parents’ alternating-years rule for the Halloween party.

“This is the year of Gus and Glory.”

“Good ol’ Gus and Glory,” he said. “What was your costume?”

“Rye and I were Mulder and Scully.”

“Aha. And just so you know, my parents asked about Lionel. I told them I was coming.”

“Your mom thinks you’re nuts,” she said.

Joel nodded. “Well, they love you.”

“Are they doing okay?” she asked.

The urge to cry still hung over her. She’d loved Joel’s parents and missed them. Joel’s mom had cried when they got divorced. She’d come over to the house with a bottle of wine after Joel had moved in with Odette. Talked for hours, telling Tallie about the men she’d known in her past who had tried and failed to be good husbands. She didn’t try to persuade Tallie to give Joel another chance, but she let her know how much she and Joel’s dad had loved having Tallie as their daughter-in-law all those years. It’d meant a lot to Tallie for Joel’s mom to show up like that. And even still, Joel’s mom texted and called Tallie occasionally, checking in.

“Yeah, they’re good. Thanks,” Joel said.

“Know how mind-boggling and surreal it was for me seeing a picture of your mom holding your daughter?” Tallie asked.

“I’m sorry you saw it.”

“It’s on your Facebook page.”

“Tallie—”

“They’re really great grandparents,” she said, interrupting him.

Tallie and Joel stared at each other as if their history played on a film between them, the two of them separated by that flickering screen. She thought of the emails Rye had shown her—that tender, apologetic Joel. She looked at him, knowing that that Joel was in there somewhere behind those eyes.

“I learned my lesson, but I learned it too late,” he said.

“I don’t know what to say to that, Joel.”

“Will you at least unblock me from your phone?”

“For what?”

“I don’t know, Tallie. Just because?”

“I will as soon as I get it from River.” She nodded and leaned over to see River’s face flashing with cell phone light.

“I like your glasses, by the way. They look good on you,” Joel said, taking his time looking at her. “And about what I wrote in those emails—”

Tallie held up her hand. “I really can’t talk about this right now. I have to go. The whole thing was stupid. It’s done. We have to make a deliberate decision to move on…but I’ll unblock you,” she said. “River, I need my phone now. Your mommy will be up here soon.” She held out her hand to him. Once River gave it to her, she let Joel watch her unblock his number. “And you’ll change your Facebook password? I’m deleting mine.”