This Close to Okay(79)

“Correct,” she said, scratching, wishing he could feel it, too. “And who was this supposed boyfriend?”

Rye looked at her.

“You?”

He didn’t say anything.

“Rye—”

“I’m so sorry.”

“So you told him everything. All the stuff I told you, when I thought we were getting to know each other, the things I didn’t want him to know. The things I could’ve told him myself but didn’t want to,” she said, nodding angrily.

“What he has with her…he always thought it’d be you. Wanted it to be you,” Rye said.

“He said that, even now, after everything?” Tallie sniffed and wiped her nose with an old tissue she found at the bottom of her purse. She smelled the dirty musk of tobacco on her fingers, and it nauseated her. What the hell had she been thinking? How had she lost control all weekend? She’d never smoke again. Never.

Before she could stop him, Rye began reading to her from his screen. Joel’s emails, spilling his heart. She listened to the words of a kinder, less defensive Joel. A contrite Joel.

“He thought he was talking to you, finally being able to tell you these things. I was going to send you these emails when I left. I thought they’d make you feel better,” Rye said when he was finished. “I told him men need to get better at taking care of the women they claim to love so much, and I said it to myself, too, about Christine. But it was arrogant of me to assume you wanted what I didn’t get. I mean, like…closure.”

“Look, I had closure in my own way with Joel. And I’m incredibly angry with you right now, but from what I’ve just read and from what I’ve seen in you…all I’m saying is it’s not your fault if someone you love is mentally ill. Sometimes there’s nothing any of us can do. And that’s the most terrifying thing about it all,” she said.

After some quiet Tallie asked, “What email address did you use?”

“TallieCat007.”

A birdlike squawk of a laugh shot from Tallie’s mouth, taking her by surprise. She wiped her eyes.

“I made it that first night. I was drunk on wine, and you were in your bedroom. Joel kept responding, grateful you’d reached out,” Rye said.

“Grateful you’d reached out,” Tallie corrected him sharply. “And you did it…knowing I’d hate you once I found out—”

“Do you hate me?” he asked. “I understand if you do.”

“I don’t know, Rye. I introduced you to my entire family as Emmett. You met my neighbor! I’m so embarrassed about this. I look like an idiot.”

“No. You could never look like an idiot. Don’t take the blame for something that’s not your fault. Isn’t that what you’d tell me?”

“Oh, I’m doing exactly that. I’m going to tell Joel I knew about it. I’ll apologize, and it’ll be over and he’ll go home,” Tallie said. No way would she let Joel know this happened behind her back.

“You don’t have to. I’ll man up and apologize.”

“No, you won’t. I’ll take care of this,” she said, imagining Joel up there, moving behind the stone and glass of the hospital.

*



“Yeah, so were…were you pretending everything this weekend?”

“No, Tallie. I wasn’t pretending everything this weekend.”

*



Rye followed Tallie into the stairwell heading to the burn unit. She hadn’t asked him to, and she hadn’t turned around to look at him until she stepped back and stood next to the fire extinguisher in the glass box on the wall.

“Listen. That was a big deal for me…what we did together. Letting you come into my bedroom. I don’t do that. I’ve never done that before with someone I’d just met…with someone I wasn’t in a relationship with,” Tallie confessed. Flashes of him with his mouth all over her in her bedroom lit across her brain. Equal parts guilt and shame and excitement. Seeing his naked body—not so unlike her beloved David—smelling it, tasting it.

“Tallie, it was a big deal for me, too. Seriously,” Rye said, touching his chest with one of his bandaged hands.

“I didn’t even know your real name then. I didn’t even know who you were. You could’ve told me, and I would’ve been fine with it. I just wish you’d told me,” she said. The hypocrisy of what she was saying thick in her throat as Rye reached out for her. “Don’t—” she said, turning away and opening the door to the hallway. Dazed, she went to the bathroom to hold a cool, wet paper towel to the back of her neck.

*



“Joel, can I talk to you?” Tallie said when she found him. She stood over him, sitting in the hallway, scrolling through his phone.

“I just talked to your dad…that was interesting. I mean, he obviously didn’t kill me, but he said I was the last person he expected to see here. I told him I’ll never stop caring about your family or you,” Joel said.

“Did you see Lionel?”

“Yeah. I talked to him and Zora. Your dad left, but he’ll be back with Glory. And your mom and Connie stepped out, too. Your mom told me I was still an asshole, by the way. She told me if I came here to break your heart some more, I can go to hell. So good to know she hasn’t changed. And River’s gotten so big, I—” Joel said, stopping himself. Joel, knowing so much about her family, knowing the name of her mom’s best friend, and remarking on how much River had grown in the past year made her blood itch. She felt faint, but she’d never fainted. The dizziness would simply pass like it always did, without taking her with it. Joel looked at Rye, neither of them saying anything.