The Psychopath: A True Story(62)

I got rid of everything he had touched in my home, replaced furniture over time and removed things he had bought. I gave everything of his to a charity shop and sold my wedding ring and bought something very mundane with the proceeds – I don’t even remember what now. Anything that reminded me of him was removed or relived without him.

I healed the emotional scars by making new memories and moving forward.

The last time I self-harmed was one isolated incident in 2004 when I was with Will Jordan. It was whilst I was awake in the middle of the night, having heard noises and believing that the ‘unsavouries’ Will Jordan had told me about had come to kidnap my children. I had already searched the house in a terrified panic and then sat down at the kitchen table, still holding the illegal taser that Will Jordan had trained me how to use. I was in such a state of stress that I took a carving knife and painstakingly slowly – and very deliberately – cut down the top of my left inner forearm. It was nowhere near the arteries and was not a suicide attempt, just a physical manifestation of the emotional pain I was in. It helped distract from the stress I was in at the time but it left a long silvery scar.

Every time I see that scar, I am reminded of everything that Will Jordan put me through. I am reminded of how I allowed myself to be placed in that position and how close I felt to losing my mind. Finally I decided that I didn’t want to be taken back to that angst any longer. So in January 2019 I got my first tattoo. It is a colourful writer’s quill, almost the whole length of my inner forearm, which has just penned an infinity symbol. Coming out of the feather are three birds taking flight.

It’s a huge motivator for me and encompasses the three things I am most proud of in this life. When I look at my arm now, instead of seeing the pain I cut into, I see my writing and what my book has achieved in the feathered quill; I see my black belt in the infinity symbol; and I see my three children taking flight. Very soon I plan to add to that tattoo with other birds that morph into books, and books that change into birds, to represent all the children I have worked with writing stories as well as all the people my book has helped.

So finally I am back on my feet. I have my own home, my own business, and my family, whilst my life is getting better all the time. My children are all living at home for the time being and I love having them around, even if it is a bit crowded and chaotic. They won’t be living here forever so I will just enjoy them whilst I have them.

This is not the end. This is just the end of one chapter in my life. What the rest of the ‘book’ holds I don’t really know. I do know that it’s not the last I will hear of Will Jordan. I know that he won’t stop, that he will never stop. I will hear from new victims and other children. From other people whose lives he’s financially ruined or emotionally destroyed. I know that there is a whole new generation yet to come as well.

I also know that I will continue to help people. I will continue to hear their stories about how they’ve had experiences with psychopaths, sociopaths and narcissists. How people have been used and abused to the point they don’t know how to stand up again. I hope that my story will help them recover. I want to be able to inspire people not to feel embarrassed or ashamed of what’s happened to them. I hope I can show them that you do not have to be destroyed by an experience like this. That it does take time, patience and a good deal of self-control, but that it is possible. To get back on top. To let go of the past. To forgive yourself for being naive or gullible or simply for being kind. And to be able to move on with life in a positive, strong and happy way.

I am very pleased and extremely proud that I was able to write a book about this, and that I was able to share my story and create so many opportunities from it. Writing it all down is still the most cathartic thing I have ever done. And I think it helps so many other people when they are able to read it. I cannot say how much it means to me when I read messages and comments on my Facebook page or reviews of the book on Amazon (and yes, I do read each and every one) saying that my story and my book has helped them better understand their own experience and allowed them to view it all in a new light. It means my experience was not wasted and has some value in this world. It also shows all the other people going through something similar that they are indeed not alone!

Thank you for reading my story. Thank you for being the audience that made my story worthwhile. Good luck and I hope something wonderful happens to you today.

Mary x





APPENDIX: A BRIEF GUIDE TO SPOTTING AND COMBATTING TOXIC TECHNIQUES

There are some truly fascinating research reports done on the language and techniques that psychopaths use to manipulate their targets and people around them. One of these is Hungry like the wolf: A word-pattern analysis of the language of psychopaths. In 2011, Dr Jeffrey Hancock of Cornell University and now a professor of communication in Stanford’s School of Humanities and Sciences and founding director of the Stanford Social Media Lab, teamed up with Dr Michael Woodworth, a professor of psychology from the University of British Columbia in Canada. Dr Woodworth was researching psychopathic and non-psychopathic murderers in criminal facilities whilst Dr Hancock was researching language. Using computerised text analysis, Woodworth and Hancock found that psychopathic criminals tend to make identifiable word choices when talking about their crimes.

Dr Woodworth interviewed eighteen psychopaths (as identified through the PCL-R), as well as thirty-eight non-psychopathic killers in criminal facilities throughout Canada.