The Psychopath: A True Story(65)

It can be incredibly frustrating to deal with ‘projection’ or ‘reframing’. They are gaslighting techniques and leave the victim feeling ‘Is it me?’ A good example of this is being accused of being selfish because the victim takes time for themselves away from the toxic person and their family responsibilities. This leaves the victim feeling defensive and cautious around the projector, like walking on eggshells.

How to protect yourself:

Try to avoid getting sucked in. It’s good to be open to constructive criticism but you need to take a step back and ask, ‘Is that really about me?’

Again, write it down, and look back at it a bit later. Does it sound like it makes sense?

Don’t ‘project’ your empathy onto others, and don’t ‘own’ other people’s faults.

If someone tries to put words in your mouth (such as ‘So I’m a bad person now, huh?’), just reply, ‘I never said that’ and walk away. Set firm boundaries by not engaging in this type of interaction.



Nonsensical Conversation/Word Salad

Word salad, or nonsensical conversation, does happen naturally within psychiatry. People with psychiatric disorders (such as dementia or schizophrenia) can unconsciously produce a string of words that don’t make sense, although they often think that they do. However, toxic people can consciously use this as a technique to baffle, confuse or off-balance their victim. The idea is to disorientate their victim and get them off track (especially if challenging them in any way). It ensures that the victim doesn’t have a satisfactory resolution to a conversation and so gives up asking the difficult questions. The victim is left trying to work out what was just said, so instead of moving on to their next point it disrupts their internal thought process. In the end the victim is left wondering what the whole argument was about in the first place. The toxic person will include projection, blame-shifting, sympathy ploys, stonewalling, bringing up unrelated issues, and starting the conversation over and over again. It is consciously done to discredit, confuse, frustrate and distract from the main purpose.

For instance, it might start with the victim bringing a concern or question to the toxic person. Firstly there is either no straight answer, or a lie. If the victim continues to request an answer, the toxic person will escalate the conversation using multiple forms of distraction or deflection, or even tell you it is not a topic they will discuss. They might say something inflammatory and start an argument about a different topic, such as accusing the victim of distrust or infidelity. When the victim defends themselves or asks the toxic person to stop, the toxic person will use that as proof that they are indeed guilty.

The key is for the toxic person to avoid answering the rational questions or allowing their victim to have any satisfying resolution. It is baffling for the victim and leaves them completely off balance. One example of this is very simple: when asked why the toxic person did something (or didn’t do it) they may just reply, ‘I’m not going to argue with you.’ If the victim persists, they are accused of ‘not letting it go’ or leaving the victim feeling blamed for causing drama, and the behaviour itself remains unaddressed.

Meanwhile the toxic person will continue to reward and love-bomb again, so that when the subject is dropped and the victim backs down, the toxic person will remind the victim how much they are loved and forgive them for nagging, or causing a scene.

You can tell that you are in a nonsensical conversation if you find:

The conversation appears to be circular, points you make seem to be totally disregarded and the toxic person goes over their points again and again, getting nowhere.

If you bring up bad behaviour they will be reminded of a past wrongdoing, causing distraction and putting you on the defensive.

The toxic person talks in a condescending or patronising tone – they will stay calm but you will become increasingly confused as the conversation becomes more and more irrational. The toxic person uses your reactions against you saying that you are ‘out of control’.

You find that suddenly you appear to be defending yourself for the very behaviour that you were criticising in them – this is reversal of blame, as they are projecting their bad behaviour onto you.

The toxic person changes tactics mid-conversation, showing a variety of personas – anger, insults, tenderness, ‘poor me’, or being conciliatory. They are just trying to find a tactic that works.

You find yourself having to start explaining basic human emotions (such as why you are hurt by an action or inaction) as well as the normal expectancy of a relationship (such as respect and honesty).

Without accepting responsibility they will find excuses for their behaviour (youth, abuse, alcohol, lack of attention), something that if it works they will refer to again and again without making any steps to address the issue or change the behaviour.

Every time you make a valid point, they counter with long monologues that change the subject, meander and misdirect, arguments that knock you sideways and take your thought processes down a completely new avenue.

You get blanket statements like ‘I don’t want to argue’, ‘You are never satisfied’ or ‘You’re always too sensitive’, especially if the discussion was not an argument.



The toxic person will use words against the victim in a circular tactic, which both manages to confuse and convince the victim that they are at fault. It is done consciously and is designed to distract, punish or demean the victim until they give up and accept the toxic person’s version of events. What’s more, the victim is completely unaware that this is happening because they are being gaslit to believe their lack of understanding is down to their own incompetence.