The Psychopath: A True Story(66)
Over time the toxic person ‘trains’ their victim to simply accept their version of reality. In the process the victim is left emotionally exhausted and vulnerable, nervous about saying anything at all in case they are found to be at fault, and aware that nothing will be resolved even if they do.
Sometimes, in trying to rationalise the toxic person’s words, the victim will toggle together something that makes sense, generally in a positive way. So they make up the toxic person’s excuse for them, one that works for the victim.
For instance, when faced with overwhelming proof that he was married to someone else, Will Jordan said, ‘All I will say is that she is all about money.’ Had I still been under his control I might well have taken that to mean that the other wife was blackmailing him, or that he had married her to stay in the UK and paid her for the privilege, or alternatively that she was being paid by someone else to say those things. As it was, I knew the truth and did not fall into his carefully worded trap.
In normal conversation, two people try to align their realities and to see each other’s point of view. The toxic person has a completely different agenda. They want to assert their dominance and superiority, so it suits their interests not to lay any groundwork at all. For instance, if wanting to ask why they didn’t turn up for a date, the toxic person might assert that the date was not really fixed or confirmed or was never discussed in the first place, before distracting with asking if the victim has had a bad day and that’s why they’re being so hostile.
How to protect yourself:
Know the signs of a nonsensical conversation and pay attention to how they make you feel over time.
If you feel that you can’t open your mouth and say exactly what you think in a relationship, then there is a problem.
Before you approach a person to discuss an issue, write down what it is you want to find out. After the conversation, go back to what you wrote and see if you got an answer that satisfied you.
Don’t continue to feed them a supply of points. Rather, focus on one issue and keep going back to it.
Resist generalised statements (such as ‘I don’t want to argue’ or ‘You’re never satisfied’ or ‘You’re too sensitive’) by not taking the bait. Say, ‘I’m not arguing either, I just want to know . . .’ or ‘Well, I’m not satisfied in this instance,’ and ask the question again. Or say, ‘Well, I’m sensitive about this subject, and I want to know . . .’
Knowing and understanding the control dramas and toxic techniques helps victims to recognise when they’re being manipulated. That awareness in itself stops toxic techniques from working.
I had a long conversation with a friend in 2019 who was in a toxic relationship. I talked her through the techniques and control dramas, which she recognised and identified with. However, she was still resisting. She said that if she stood up to her toxic partner he might leave, which left her feeling powerless. The truth is that you cannot thrive in any kind of relationship that keeps you cowed and under control, even if they’re not psychopathic in nature. People should be able to relax and say what they think, and at the same time feel that their partner supports and loves them. If that is not happening, then it might not the right relationship.
FURTHER READING/VIEWING
Books
Simon Baron-Cohen, Zero Degrees of Empathy: A New Theory of Human Cruelty (Penguin, 2011)
Sandra L. Brown, Women Who Love Psychopaths: Inside the Relationships of Inevitable Harm with Psychopaths, Sociopaths, & Narcissists (Mask Publishing, 2010)
Robert D. Hare, Without Conscience: The Disturbing World of the Psychopaths Among Us (The Guilford Press, 1999)
Liane J. Leedom, Just Like His Father? (Healing Arts Press, 2006)
Reid J. Meloy, The Psychopathic Mind: Origins, Dynamics, and Treatment (Rowman & Littlefield, 2004)
Jon Ronson, The Psychopath Test (Picador, 2012)
Alice Sebold, Lucky (Picador, 2003)
Sarah Smith, Deceived: A True Story (Orion, 2007)
Martha Stout, The Sociopath Next Door: The Ruthless versus the Rest of Us (Broadway Books, 2006)
Web Links (articles and videos)
Psychopathy:
Hungry like the wolf: A word-pattern analysis of the language of psychopaths by Jeffrey T. Hancock, Michael T. Woodworth and Stephen Porter: www.youtube.com/watch?reload=9&v=6vF5PtdiiCo
Article about Dr Robert Hare and his PCL-R: www.discovermagazine.com/mind/into-the-mind-of-a-psychopath
I am <fishead( – a film about psychopaths in the workplace. The introduction to this documentary left me almost in a state of panic attack. I listened to it over and over again, feeling like I was being punched in the gut. The documentary is well worth a watch and explains very clearly how psychopaths operate in the workplace. www.filmsforaction.org/watch/i-am-fishead-2011/
Psychology Today article on sex and the psychopath: www.psychologytoday.com/gb/blog/insight-is-2020/201410/sex-and-the-psychopath
‘Did He Ever Love Me? A Study of Life With a Psychopathic Husband’ qualitative report: www.civicresearchinstitute.com/online/article_abstract.php?pid=6&iid=592&aid=4305
Spectrum of psychopathy: https://lovefraud.com/experienced-clinician-says-psychopathy-is-a-spectrum/
LoveFraud article about Will Jordan: https://lovefraud.com/true-lovefraud-stories/will-allen-jordan/
Donald Trump’s language style: https://news.liverpool.ac.uk/2018/01/19/one-year-trump-linguistics-expert-analyses-us-presidents-influence-language/