The Last Black Unicorn(53)

The swamp tour was at about 2 p.m., so right after breakfast, I got out my weed that I had brought in from LA. Now, don’t get all crazy—I have a prescription for this weed. I got real bad back pain, and my doctor agrees, and I have a prescription, so be cool.

I smoked a little, right? It was like twelve o’clock. I was thinking to myself, Oh man, this swamp tour’s gonna be so cool, I’mma smoke this weed and the alligators gonna be talking to me, the birds gonna be singing, the raccoons gonna be waving at me and stuff, it’s gonna be like I’m in a Disney movie, it’s gonna be great.

And then about one o’clock, Jada called me. I was high as a kite.

Jada: “Hey Tiff, you still going on that swamp tour?”

Tiffany: “Yeah, of course I’m going.”

Jada: “Well, Will and I are gonna go with you.”

I paused for a second in disbelief.

Tiffany: “Wait, you’re for real? Y’all really gonna go with me?”

Jada: “Yes.”

Tiffany: “Okay cool. Don’t even trip, y’all Groupon is on me, I got y’all. Since y’all paid for dinner last night, I’mma take care of you guys.”

Now it was Jada’s turn to pause.

Jada: “What?”

She told me to come to their hotel and we would ride together.

Tiffany: “Don’t worry, I got it. I’ll be over to your hotel in an hour.”

OH SHIT!

So I started eating all this bread and drinking water, doing jumping jacks and freaking out. I gotta sober up and be cool.

An hour later, I pulled up to their hotel in my little $20-a-day rental car that I got. I started to hand my keys to the valet, ’cause I was thinking I’m gonna ride with Will and Jada and their security in the SUV, and it’s gonna be all cool and stuff.

Nope.

Will Smith came running out the hotel like he’s in Bad Boys 7 and he jumped in the back seat of my car.

Will: “Whoa, it’s been years since I’ve been in a regular car.”

Then Jada runs in behind him.

Jada: “Oh my God, these windows aren’t tinted, I don’t feel safe.”

Tiffany: “Really, Jada? You from Baltimore, bitch. Like for real?”

Jada: “Oh my goodness, fine let’s go, right?”

Will: “Yeah, let’s go, we don’t want to be late.”

So I started driving. The whole time, I was thinking I was leaning back in the seat driving all cool. But the next day, Jada told me I was up on the steering wheel. Of course I was up on the steering wheel, because all I could think was, You don’t want to be the chick on TMZ that killed the Fresh Prince of Bel-Air. Be careful, Tiffany. Drive carefully.

I was trying to play music for them. I was playing the radio, and Chris Brown came on, and it was a new Chris Brown song. And it was so funny, because Will was bobbing his head, and every time I was looking in my rearview mirror, it was like, Will Smith was in my rearview mirror, smiling and bobbing his head.

I was thinking to myself: This is fucking crazy. How could this be my life?

Jada: “Who is this playing on the radio?”

Tiffany: “Oh, that’s Chris Brown, you don’t know who Chris Brown is?”

Jada: “I don’t listen to his music, all I listen to is Shaolin monks.”

I was like, What? Is that what rich people listen to—monks? What the hell is she talking about?

We pulled up to the swamp tour, and it was a lot of people out there waiting. Pretty much all of them white people, too.

Jada: “Tiffany, why are all these people here?”

Tiffany: “They probably all got Groupons.”

Jada: “Tiffany, what is a Groupon?”

Tiffany: “What do you think it is?”

Jada: “I think it means you got your own boat that you could take a group of people on.”

Tiffany: “No, Jada. It’s a discounted coupon that you can do activities with. Why would you think that I had my own boat, Jada?”

Jada: “Will, you gotta go back to the hotel. Call security right now to come and get you to take you back to the hotel, because this gonna be a problem. With all these people and stuff, you need to go home, because it’s gonna be pandemonium. But I’mma stay, ’cause they not gonna recognize me.”

Will: “Oh, no fair. How you gonna invite me on the swamp tour and not let me go on the swamp tour? I want to go on the swamp tour.”

Tiffany: “Yeah Will, tell your wife. Y’all gonna be safe, y’all with me, Tiffany Haddish. Ain’t nothing gonna happen to y’all. I got my backpack, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, we’re gonna see what’s on this swamp.”

Jada: “You got a backpack?”

See, I was trying to make it seem like I had a weapon in my backpack, like I had it cracking. I was patting on the backpack like, “We good, y’all. Like, ain’t nobody finna mess with us, I’m from South Central LA, we finna have a good time, I promise you that.”

Like I said, I was high. It made no sense.

Will: “Man, let’s just go. Let’s just do it. I came all the way out here, I want to get on the swamp tour.”

Jada: “I don’t know, I don’t think it’s gonna be okay, I don’t know.”

Tiffany: “Nobody’s gonna bother us. I promise you ain’t nobody gonna bother us.”