The Last Black Unicorn(56)



Old Lady 1: “You see that big, black butt that she got? Oh yeah, she could not fuck him right.”

Old Lady 2: “We’ll get her ass out of here, some way. We’re going to fuck him. We’re going to . . .”

And for ten minutes I heard them say terrible racist shit about me, and talk about getting my boyfriend to leave with them.

I just sat there, quiet. I was listening, getting madder and madder. I was two glasses of wine in already, so I was ready to fight these ladies. I sent a text message to Hollywood Friends 1 and 2 like:

“These old bitches at this wedding being racist as hell. I’m about to kick they asses. I’m sorry if I don’t see you all for a while because I’m about to be in jail.”

Hollywood Friend 1 called me immediately. Now mind you, I’m still sitting in the stall:

Hollywood Friend 1: “Tiffany, just leave. Just get an Uber right now and just walk out the door.”

Tiffany: “I can’t do it, I got to fight these bitches.”

Hollywood Friend 1: “I’m not getting off the phone with you until you walk out the door. Just leave. Leave. Leave.”

I opened the stall door, still on the phone with Hollywood Friend 1, and these two bitches gave me a look of shock and horror. They had no idea I was there.

Tiffany: “Okay, I will leave these fat-ass, Paula Deen–looking bitches to themselves, and get the hell out of this wedding.”

I thought those women were going to straight die, right there in the bathroom.

I walked out, got my man, and we left. I was still steaming when we got back to the hotel. We had some good sex that night, I tell you what. He thought it was funny that they wanted to fuck him.

Boyfriend: “You should have let them try. I would have put them on blast so bad.”

The next day, Hollywood Friend 2 saw my text and called me. She stayed on the phone with me for two hours telling me about how racism works in Hollywood:

Hollywood Friend 2: “Honey child, let me explain. First off, what a blessing that you were able to hear them do it out loud, in your face. That’s a blessing. I have been through so many experiences where they did it behind my back, or they just shut me down. That’s what they do. They close you out. Be grateful that you got to hear it live and see it.”

Tiffany: “How is that good?”

Hollywood Friend 2: “Because now you know those two are the enemy. Now you are aware. It’s the ones that are sweet to your face and plotting behind your back that you have to worry about.”

Tiffany: “Oh yeah. I hadn’t thought about it that way.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “The thing that’s so bad about it is they do it to each other, too. Even worse. Them white women attack each other, and they go for each other’s heads. Just imagine how they did you, imagine that times ten on each other. Their racism, is not even like racism. It’s like sexism. You’re fucking a richer guy or a hotter guy, so now I’m going to destroy you.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, I can see that.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “Now imagine if you’re a black woman and you’re fucking a richer guy that they want to fuck. Now they’re going to try to destroy you, because you’re getting the dick they want and you’re getting the money funneled down to you. See, boil it all down, Tiffany, it comes down to money and status. It ain’t even about race.”

Tiffany: “It’s crazy, but yeah, I can see that. Oh my God. This sounds like Illuminati shit. But you’re right. You trippin’ me out. I feel like I’m watching a YouTube video.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “At the end of the day, Tiffany, you just have to be gracious. You have to smile and when they say something you don’t like, you figure out how to Dallas they ass.”

Tiffany: “Dallas?”

Hollywood Friend 2: “Knots Landing they motherfucking ass. You got to get like a soap opera. You got to get down and dirty . . . but do it classy. Get down and dirty, but do it classy. Let these bitches know you not afraid to fuck them up.”

Tiffany: “What do you mean? Should I fight?”

Hollywood Friend 2: “No, not with your hands! That’s ghetto. With your words, with your actions, with your thoughts, with your success. You kill them with your success, Tiffany. You kill them with your success. Then they’ll have to kiss your motherfucking feet.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, I like the sound of that.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “You do it right, and you’re going to have these bitches walking behind you trying to clean your shit up, just like Oprah. You see what Oprah did? Them bitches will lick her ass. You know why? Because she killing them with her success. They’ve been racist towards her. They’ve been mean to her. They called her ‘fat, black Harpo,’ all that. Yeah, but who’s on top? She says I like watermelon martinis, and boom—everybody drinking watermelon martinis now, Tiffany. Because Oprah said she liked them.”

Tiffany: “Watermelon martinis is pretty good though.”

Hollywood Friend 2: “Just stay focused, stay successful, and you shut these bitches down cleverly. Be smart and watch these soap operas, and stay classy, and you’ll get there.”

So now I watch soap operas for ideas on how to handle backstabbing bitches.





Hollywood Accounting


Me and my accountant get into it all the time.

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