The Last Black Unicorn(58)

Queen Latifah: “Tiffany, you was so funny. You was just dancing all crazy. I haven’t seen Mary J. Blige laugh like that in years.”

Tiffany: “For real?”

Queen Latifah: “You was the only person that was talking to her, besides me and her sister, and Mary said she really enjoyed you.”

Tiffany: “Really?”

Jada: “Yeah girl, it was fun.”

Tiffany: “Jada, you was at the party, too?”

They thought that shit was real funny, that I didn’t even know Jada was at the party. I guess I SLEPT a lot.

A few weeks later, Mary J. Blige’s security texted me up:

Security: “Hey, you need to hang out with Mary more, she going through her divorce and stuff, and she said that you her favorite comedian, that you are so funny, she had such a good time with you. You need to come hang out with us.”

If my sixteen-year-old self had seen that text, I would have died. Right there on the curb, dead.

But my thirty-five-year-old self had a TV show to film! I had just got back on The Carmichael Show, so I couldn’t really hang out, I just didn’t have the time.

So yeah: Mary J. Blige wanted me to come hang out, and I was like, “I would love to, but I don’t have the time.”

Sorry, Mary! But for real, hit me up again when you in LA, girl. I got my Big Lots modeling money, we’ll do it right!





Dave Chappelle


I did a show one time (not in LA, in Ohio), and Dave Chappelle showed up to the show. When he came off stage, he was like:

Dave: “Tiffany, you’re a genius.”

DAVE CHAPPELLE THINKS I’M A GENIUS!

I wasn’t about to let this moment pass by, though. I immediately hit him up.

Tiffany: “Thank you, thank you. I’m trying to work on doing my own show, I’d love for you to be on my show.”

Dave: “What show you trying to do?”

Tiffany: “It’s called Judge Ratchet, and I’m the judge, and I’m taking cases that you can’t take to real court.”

Dave: “Like what?”

Tiffany: “Like, if somebody a dope dealer, and they lose their dope, ’cause somebody get arrested with it or whatever, and then they sue them, ’cause they want their money. They want the dope back, or they want the money back. Baby mamas tripping, just really stupid stuff, stuff you can’t take to real court.”

Dave: “Ah, that’s genius, I’mma do it.”

Tiffany: “Cool, perfect, when you gonna be in town?”

Dave: “No time soon!”

I was like, okay. At least he was nice about blowing me off.

But now every time I run into him or I see him, he’s like, “You are so good, you’re a genius.” He’s always telling me I’m a genius, so that makes me feel good. But he didn’t ever show up.

Dave is supposed to be all anti-Hollywood, but ain’t that about the most Hollywood thing ever—a star promising shit that they don’t deliver on? (I’m kidding, I love you Dave!)





She Ready


How I Knew I Made It


I knew I made it in Hollywood when I went on The Arsenio Hall Show.

That’s kind of a weird specific marker to be my “when I made it” story, so let me explain.

I remember being a kid watching Arsenio. He was my idol. I remember wishing he was like my dad or my big brother or something like that. I would watch every single show, every minute of it.

I got in so much trouble for that, too. Because it came on at eleven at night, I would sneak in the closet and watch him on my little black-and-white TV. My mom used to beat me out the closet all the time over that.

Being a guest on his show was a dream for so long. When he went off the air in 1994, I thought I missed my shot.

Then, in 2013, he came back on the air. I got so excited. This could be my chance to get on there, and now that I’m a working comedian, I got a real shot, right?

Of course, I had to update my fantasy, too. Now that I’m older, maybe instead of him being my daddy, he could be my baby daddy.

I had a friend who got booked on the show, and he invited me to go with him. I met the talent booker, and she said maybe they could use me for a few sketches. I told her she could use me to clean toilets, if it got me on the show.

They used me to shoot this sketch called “I Married a Black Woman.” I gave 110 percent in that performance. The producers liked it, and they decided to have me come back again, and then for a third time. By the third one, I had been pitching them relentlessly on doing my stand-up, and they finally agreed to book me.

Tiffany: “Will I finally get to meet Arsenio?”

Producer: “Yeah, you’ll meet him, of course. On the show.”

Tiffany: “When I meet Arsenio, I’m telling y’all right now, I’m going to jump on him and I’m going to kiss him all over his face, and I’m going to tell him that he’s my favorite and that I want to have all his babies.”

Producer: “He already has kids. He has a son.”

Tiffany: “Yeah, but he don’t have a full black baby, and I could give that to him.”

Producer: “Uh . . . okay.”

Tiffany: “And I want to tell him I used to get whippings for him. I used to get in trouble for him. I got beat out the closet for him. I want him to know this!!”