The Last Black Unicorn(49)

Fats: “What’chu talkin’ ’bout? I got my own line of wet suits and my own line of surfboards.”

Tiffany: “Is they plus-sized? That would make sense.”

Fats: “NO! THEY AIN’T NO DAMN PLUS-SIZED!”

Tiffany: “Wow. That’s pretty amazing. You know, I surf too. I take kids surfing every summer.”

Fats: “Oh, maybe I’ll donate some surfboards. Here’s my number. Give me a call sometime.”

So I gave him a call, but every time I called him about the surfboards and stuff, he don’t want to talk about that:

Fats: “So you think we can go out to dinner? What do you like to do for fun?”

Tiffany: “You trying to date me or give me the surfboards? I want the surfboards, I don’t want to date you.”

Fats: “Yo, if you ain’t trying to go out with me, I ain’t trying to give out no surfboards.”

I may have my issues, but I ain’t hooking up with some fat ass for free surfboards. Hell no.

Then I ran into him at the comedy club, and he saw me get onstage and demolish it. Everything was different after that. Now he treats me like I’m one of the homies. Like I’m a fellow colleague.

I love that, and now he’s a good friend of mine. He ain’t trying to take me out to dinner or nothing like that. He respects me as a comedian.

Which before, he probably just thought I was one of them chicks saying I do comedy, trying to get pregnant by somebody rich. ’Cause some girls do that out here.

I had something worse happen with another comic I’ve decided not to name. I’ll call him Rumpelstiltskin. I knew him, because some of my friends opened for him when he went on the road.

Tiffany: “Hey Rumpelstiltskin, I would love to open up for you, you should let me open up for you.”

Rumpelstiltskin: “I can’t take you on the road.”

Tiffany: “Why?”

Rumpelstiltskin: “Unless you opening up those legs, you can’t go nowhere.”

At first, I thought it was just a joke, right? So the next time I asked him, he said the same thing. I was like, This motherfucker serious?

Tiffany: “So lemme get this straight. Whoever’s on the road with you, open up they legs for you, is what you telling me?”

Rumpelstiltskin: “I ain’t no motherfucking faggot. I’m not saying that, I’m just saying that you can’t go nowhere, you gonna ruin my marriage. Your type, you too cute and shit, you gonna have to give up some pussy.”

Obviously, that was a no go.

Then, after I got on a TV show and a movie, now his manager wants to call me asking if I’ll open up for him. And he wanted to pay me $500 for fifteen minutes. Fuck THAT. Rumpelstiltskin was so shocked that I turned down that offer, he called me up himself.

Tiffany: “A minimum, MINIMUM of $2500 for me to open.”

Rumpelstiltskin: “Nigga, what is wrong with you? Don’t nobody pay that much money for some goddam comedy. Not no female.”

Tiffany: “Uh, yes they do. Yes they do. That’s what I get paid on a regular basis.”

Rumpelstiltskin: “Well, I guess you gonna be headlining this for yourself, you can just go on out there and headline for yourself.”

Tiffany: “Will do. You bet.”

And then I started headlining some shows and stuff, and I did pretty good. I guess he heard about how good I did, so he called me:

Rumpelstiltskin: “Well, I just want to apologize. Nigga, you out here getting it. You really doing things. I want to apologize. I was wrong the way I treated you.”

I thought that was cool of him, to admit he was wrong. Good for him.

But I had to earn that respect.

There was this other guy that pissed me off for a long time. Let’s call him “Cry Baby.” He’s a comedian you have heard of. When I was starting off, like twenty-two years old, I met him at an open mic. He said I had promise, but I needed to hang out with more comedians to get funnier. I was like, Cool, this guy’s trying to help me.

So he invited me to a taping at one of his shows for BET. Well, that’s what he told me it was. I’m thinking he is on the TV show. I get there, and it’s not his show at all. He was just doing the audience warm-up! After the show, he was all excited.

Cry Baby: “So what did you think?”

Tiffany: “I thought it was pretty interesting, it’s cool.”

Cry Baby: “You see how I’m the man up there?”

Tiffany: “You not the man, you the audience warm-up. You warm up the audience.”

Cry Baby: “Why you talking to me like that, bitch?”

Tiffany: “Why you talking to me like that?”

Cry Baby: “You disrespecting me?”

Tiffany: “You’re disrespecting me, what do you want from me?”

Cry Baby: “Girl, you know what I want from you.”

Tiffany: “I do know what you want, and guess what? You not my type. Your titties are bigger than mine, I’m not interested, it ain’t never going nowhere. So you just need to chill. We comedians, and that’s that.”

Cry Baby: “Man, fuck you, stupid bitch.”

I just kinda laughed it off. I know his feelings was hurt, but whatever.

But he and I were on the same club circuit at the time, and he was a bigger name than me then. So every time I seen him—for five years—he would bump me off of comedy shows.