Only Child(73)

That was me, the little one in the song, because I was the youngest in the family and I was the only one left in the bed. Except in the song, the little one wanted that to happen, to be alone. That’s why at the end of the song it says, “Alone at last!” I didn’t want that to happen to me, but it happened anyway. And so now I was like in this giant bed that was too big and too empty, and there was a ton of space all around me with nothing in it.

The next bad thing that happened was that the hideout stopped helping. After I did scribble scrabble all over the calendar, I went in the hideout. I thought that I probably liked it in there because there was only a little space inside and it got all filled up with me in it and my feelings pages and the picture of me and Andy and my books and Miss Russell’s charm and Clancy and Buzz. And Andy. Because Andy was pretend in there with me, so it was like there were still two in the bed when I was in the hideout.

I went in the hideout and closed the door behind me, like I always did. I switched on Buzz and sat on Andy’s sleeping bag, like I always did. I did everything I always did, and everything looked like it always did. But I didn’t start to feel better like I always did. The scared feeling and the lonely feeling from outside the hideout followed me in and didn’t go away. I closed my eyes and tried to think about the brain safe and how I had to push the bad feelings inside. It didn’t work. I opened my eyes again and all of a sudden I realized what was changed.

Andy wasn’t there anymore. He was gone. I couldn’t feel him anymore.

“Andy?” I said, but I knew he wasn’t there. I started to make loud crying sounds. “Please come back, Andy, please please please.” I picked up the angel wing charm and rubbed it in between my fingers. I waited and I asked Andy to come back a thousand times, but nothing changed.

So then I put the charm in the pocket of my pants and I took the picture of me and Andy off the wall and I hugged it against my chest and I got up and went out of the closet and closed the door behind me.





[ 43 ]


    Balloons to Remember


TODAY WAS DECEMBER 6, and that meant it was only three weeks, not even, until Christmas, and also it was exactly two months ago that the gunman came and killed Andy. They were making a special memory ceremony at McKinley today. Me and Mommy and Daddy were going there together and it was going to be the first time for us to be together since Daddy left.

Daddy came in the morning to pick us up, and when he came in the house it felt like he was visiting. Mommy told him he was late, and then there was no talking in the car on the way to McKinley. Daddy had to park the car far away from the school because there were cars parked everywhere.

“We should have been here a half hour ago,” Mommy said, and started walking to the school with fast, big steps. She held on to her hat with one hand, and her breath was making the air white around her. Me and Daddy walked behind her, and I had to walk/run because Mommy was going so fast. We walked around the corner with the big water tower and the basketball blacktop and there was McKinley. It looked normal, but it didn’t feel normal. It felt like a place I never went to before.

When I saw McKinley I stopped walk/running and I got really slow. Mommy didn’t notice. She kept walking fast, and the space between me and her got bigger and bigger, but Daddy turned around.

“You coming, Zach?” he asked.

I stopped and looked at McKinley, and all of a sudden all the windows looked like eyes or something. It looked like they were all staring at me. It was really creepy. “I don’t want to go in there,” I said.

“Guys, can you pick up the pace? We’re so late already,” Mommy called to us. Daddy put up one hand to Mommy like he was saying “stop.” Mommy made a mad face and turned around and kept walking.

Daddy walked back to me where I stopped, and he put his arm around my shoulder. “I don’t think we’re going inside,” he said. “The ceremony is going to be outside, and it won’t be long, OK?” We followed behind Mommy, and I tried not to look at McKinley with the creepy window eyes.

There were people everywhere in front of the school. Some people were on the grass and the round driveway, and a lot of people were on the blacktop next to the kindergarten playground. I saw some people were holding huge floating plastic bags with tons of white balloons in them. They looked like big white clouds. On the other side of the street were a bunch of news vans, and in front of them I saw news people with microphones, and some were giving interviews to people. I spotted Miss Wanda. She was leaning against her van that said LOCAL 4 on the side, but she wasn’t doing an interview, she was reading something. I was happy she wasn’t looking up and seeing me because of what happened at our house. I tried to look for Dexter, but I couldn’t see him anywhere.

Mommy was on the blacktop now and she was hugging people and talking to them. I spotted Grandma and Aunt Mary standing on the side of the blacktop. Aunt Mary smiled and waved. Me and Daddy walked over to them, and Aunt Mary gave me a hug. “Hey, monkey,” she whispered in my ear. Then we stood there and watched Mommy, and no one said anything. I looked around to see if maybe I could spot Miss Russell, but I didn’t see her anywhere.

“Hey, Zach, sweetheart,” a voice said next to me. I turned around and it was Mrs. Stella, the lady from the main office, and she smiled at me, a sad smile. “How are you? This must be Dad?” Mrs. Stella said, and Daddy said, “Yes.” Mrs. Stella said, “My condolences, Mr. Taylor,” and her and Daddy did handshakes.