Not Pretending Anymore(54)

Every time I came to see him, he looked a little worse. Being a nurse, I was used to seeing sick patients deteriorate, but Dad’s decline was not the norm. The difference between small cell and non-small cell cancers was really staggering. It was almost as if we were watching the rapid spread on the inside happen on the outside, too.

I put the bag of bagels on the table. “I brought your favorite.”

He smiled. “Oh yeah? You remember my favorite?”

“Of course I do. Salt—the more of it, the better. Probably not the best thing to bring you, considering what it can do to your blood pressure.”

My father waved me off. “That’s the least of my worries.”

I dug into the bag. “I’ll make it for you. Cream cheese or butter?”

“Butter, please.”

Kayla came down from upstairs while I was making Dad’s breakfast. We said hello, and she walked over to Dad and kissed him on the forehead. “I’m going to run some errands.”

“Okay, dear.”

“I’ll be back in about an hour. Can you stay that long, Molly?”

My father answered for me with a grumble. “I don’t need a babysitter.”

She rolled her eyes. Clearly this wasn’t the first time he’d given her a hard time about this. “Of course you don’t. But the doctor said you need rest, at least until your blood count is back to normal. So it makes me feel better to know someone is around in case you feel dizzy again.”

“Doctors just cover their asses.”

I chuckled. “I guess you should know.”

After Kayla left, my father and I ate breakfast. We made small talk, and I’d thought I was doing a good job hiding the turmoil I felt inside. But after he finished eating, he leaned back in his chair and squinted at me.

“Are you worried about me, or is something else going on?”

My brows furrowed. “What do you mean?”

He looked down at my hands. “You pick at the cuticle on your thumbs when you’re nervous.”

I totally did, but I didn’t realize my dad knew that. I tucked my thumb into a fist to stop myself and sighed. “It was just a long night.”

“A delivery gone wrong?”

I shook my head. “No, nothing like that.”

“Okay…”

Dad waited. I didn’t want him to think my issue was because of him. I mean, of course that was always in the back of my mind, but that wasn’t what he was seeing on my face today. So I thought it might be best to put his mind at ease.

“It’s a…a man problem.”

Dad sipped his coffee. “Okay. Well, believe it or not, I am one of those, so lay it on me.”

It was hard to explain, and I wasn’t sure my situation was something I wanted to get into with my dad. We’d never discussed my dating life or anything like that. “I’m just struggling with what I think is the right choice for me.”

Dad nodded. “That happens to be a subject I’m an expert on.”

At first I was confused, but then I realized he was referring to my mom and Kayla. I’d only ever looked at what happened from an abandoned child’s side, not from the point of view of a man in a relationship.

“What happened between you and Mom, Dad? I’ve only ever heard it from her.”

My father sighed. “How much time do you have? I think that story could take a while.”

I smiled. “Tell me the abbreviated version.”

“Alright. Well, as you know, your mom and I were college sweethearts. We got married at twenty-one. People told us we were too young, but we didn’t listen.” He looked away for a moment, and a wistful smile grew on his face. “She was the most beautiful girl on campus.” He shook his head. “Anyway, this is supposed to be the abbreviated version, so I’ll jump forward a few years. Your mom worked a lot while I was in med school. Then when I graduated and you girls came along, she stayed home, and I worked a lot. Over the years, we sort of drifted apart. At first, we had you girls to bind us together. I’d come home, and your mom would catch me up on the happenings of you and your sister. But as the years passed, that became the only thing we discussed. So when you guys got a little bit older and started to spend time with your friends at sleepovers and whatnot, we felt like strangers. Sometimes we’d sit at the kitchen table for dinner, just the two of us, and have nothing to say, even though we’d spent the entire day apart. That led to frustration, and frustration led to arguing. I’m sure you remember the argument part. It was almost like we’d grown up together, yet never learned how to communicate.”

“What about Kayla?”

Dad sighed again. “I know you think Kayla was the cause of my breakup with your mom, but she really wasn’t—nothing on her part, anyway. I swear, God as my witness, I never cheated on your mother—at least not in the physical sense. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t grow too close to other women during those tough years in a non-physical way. Looking back, I think I was seeking the emotional connection your mom and I were missing. I should have worked on that with her instead of finding it with others. And I own that. In a relationship, cheating isn’t just a physical connection. I developed feelings for Kayla. At the time, they weren’t reciprocated. She had no idea. She was just so easy to talk to at work. And once that happened, I realized things weren’t right with your mom and me. I had a lot of guilt, but I was also a selfish asshole. So rather than invest the time to try to fix what had gone wrong with your mother, I took the easy way out.”