Not Pretending Anymore(51)

“You didn’t call me to talk about Julia,” Catherine noted. “That says it all, my brother.”

***

Molly and I had managed to avoid talking about anything for over a week. I knew she had to work Sunday night, so I was hoping to catch her before she left for her shift. That way if anything we said or did was awkward, she’d be away for twelve hours soon after.

When I woke up Sunday morning, Molly was sleeping. Despite my nerves, I felt mentally better than I had in a while. I’d come out of the fog, and my energy was back, so I spent the day at the gym and running errands.

When I returned to the apartment late in the afternoon, Molly wasn’t there. I wondered if she’d be coming home at all before she had to go to work. I took a shower, then not-so-patiently waited to find out.

I still didn’t know what I was going to say to her, and I certainly didn’t know where she stood. I decided I’d respond to her based on the vibe she gave me. Maybe she would give me a signal. I’d let her talk first, and if she expressed any doubt about things, game over.

I took advantage of the alone time and started writing down some of what I wanted to say on a notepad. I must have scratched out a hundred different things.

Fuck it. Let’s just try.

Scratch.

I can’t stop thinking about what it would be like to fuck you, Molly. But it’s so much more than that.

Scratch.

Maybe we should take it day by day and see where it goes.

Scratch.

I’m crazy about you, Molly. So let’s just do this.

Scratch.

The door opened, and I shoved the notepad under my bed.

I strolled out into the living room as if I hadn’t just been jotting down sweet nothings like a damn high schooler.

“Hey! Long time no see.”

“Yeah. It seems like it’s been forever,” Molly said. “Were you waiting for me?”

Apparently, I wasn’t as casual as I thought. Who brought the fucking cool guy?

“Yeah. I figured we could finish the talk we were having the other day.”

She looked around, seeming nervous. “Okay. I’m just gonna take a quick shower and get into my scrubs. Then we’ll talk?”

“Sounds good. Want me to brew some coffee? I know you like to drink it on the way to work.”

“That would be great.”

For the next several minutes, I sat in the kitchen, taking in the smell of freshly brewed coffee and hoping it would calm me down. But nothing could. When Molly walked out wearing her dark purple scrubs, I was no more ready to have this conversation than I’d been before.

I bit the bullet. “You want to go first or shall I?”

“I can go first,” she said, taking a seat across from me. “So, I think everything you said the other night made a lot of sense.”

Uh-oh. The other night I’d pointed out all the reasons we were wrong for each other. Why did I do that?

“You mentioned that you didn’t think you could give me anything long term and expressed concern about interfering in my relationship with Will.”

I blew out a shaky breath. “I did say that, didn’t I?”

What she said next jarred me. “Last week at dinner, Will asked me to be exclusive.”

My heart sank. “He did?”

“Yeah. It came as a shock, to be honest.”

Feeling like the walls were caving in, I nodded in silence as she continued.

“I told him I needed to think about it. But the more I think about what you said, the more I realize I should be realistic. Will is a good guy. I know you have your reservations about him. But that’s only because you care about me.”

“Right,” I muttered.

“Anyway... I’ve done a lot of thinking over the past several days. And I’m…gonna tell him yes. I think I might not have been able to make a decision if you hadn’t been so real with me. Whatever was happening between us would have held me back if we hadn’t had that conversation. So thank you for giving me what I needed to move on.”

I was speechless.

Utterly fucking speechless.

Everything I’d planned to say clogged in my throat, ready to choke me. How could I put all that on her now? Jesus, this fucking sucked.

Molly exhaled, as if getting all that out had been a relief. “What were you gonna say to me?”

You could’ve heard a pin drop, and I could somehow hear my brain ticking in my head. I could be honest and throw her a curveball right now, or I could lie and give her the peace she deserved. I chose the latter, even though I knew I might regret it for the rest of my life.

“I can’t tell you how happy I am that we’re on the same page. I won’t take back what I said about how I feel about you, but I think it’s best if we acknowledge it and move on. So, as much as I rag on Will, I’m happy for you. I truly am.”

“Thank you, Declan.” Molly smiled as she got up from her seat and wrapped her arms around me.

Then things went quiet again as she walked over to the coffeemaker and poured some into a travel mug. She looked back at me, and even though we’d just supposedly resolved things, nothing felt resolved.

I leaned against the counter and tried to be nonchalant. “So you haven’t answered him yet about being exclusive?”

She shook her head. “No. We’re supposed to go out again in the middle of the week. Our shifts don’t overlap the next few days, so I’ll see him on Wednesday. I figured I’d wait till we see each other in person.” She winked. “Plus, I don’t want it to seem like it was too easy a decision.”