Not Broken: The Happily Ever After(95)

I turned back to see Dr. Carr watching me. Listening. Paying attention to what I said instead of actively analyzing it as I said it. Taking slow steps, I returned to my chair.

“Malcolm sees me as a victim. But I know I carry responsibility for my role during the relationship with Seth. I know I’m going to sound like a contradiction, but while I don’t want Malcolm to view me like that, like a victim, at the same time...at the same time I don’t want him to know the depths of my stupidity.”

Dr. Carr started to speak, then stopped. She gave me a smile and began again. “Calida, does Malcolm tell you he loves you?”

I nodded.

“Do you believe him when he says it?”

I nodded again. “I’m starting to.”

“Do you think his love comes with conditions?”

I shook my head. “No.”

“All right. I want you to think about the worst thing you know about Malcolm. Think about what you would consider his most, in your words, stupid mistake. I don’t want you to tell me. You just need to think it over.”

It wasn’t hard to come up with something. Malcolm’s overdose easily popped into my head. For all the shit talking they do, Macy completely lost it when that happened. It was one of the few times in our friendship where I got to be the strong one, even though I was just as worried. The whole thing had been a major shock to us all. Malcolm didn’t do drugs. He wasn’t that kind of person. He certainly wouldn’t be the kind of person that would get so out of control that he’d OD. It’d been an accidental situation, but still, he’d put himself in that situation.

“No one is perfect. We’re all human, and we make mistakes. There are people that will hold your mistakes against you. You know that because you’ve unfortunately had a few of those people in your life. But there are also people who will accept you as you are. You look at yourself and see only your mistakes or bad judgements, but someone who cares sees more. They see you. You loved Seth despite everything you learned about him. Why is it so hard for you to imagine someone could love you the same way?”

I chewed on the inside of my cheek. My fingers ran across the symbol on the necklace. I looked down at the ring. A ghost smile pulled at my lips as I looked back up at Dr. Carr.

“Because it’s hard to imagine someone else loving you when you don’t love yourself.”

∞∞∞

When I pulled into the garage at Mal’s house, I didn’t get out of the car right away. My session with Dr. Carr had been more open and honest than any of the previous ones. My insecurities ran deep and probably always would. No amount of therapy would change that. However, I couldn’t let them rule me.

The thumping of music could be heard before I even opened the door to the house. My presence went unnoticed as I stood at the kitchen island, watching Malcolm sing along to whatever rap song played. He didn’t miss a beat as he danced. His dreads swung freely in rhythm with the movements of his head. Goodness, he was sexy. Even when he wasn’t trying, it simply clung to him like a second skin. My gaze went to his ass, his thick, round, grabbable ass that filled out every pair of pants he wore as if they were made just for him.

I covered my mouth to suppress a laugh over my lusty thoughts. I didn’t want to disturb the moment between him and Shawn. I looked down at my little boy. He stood with his hands on the coffee table, attempting to sing along while bouncing up and down. He looked adorable in his attempt to mimic Mal’s movements.

Once the song ended, Mal walked over to turn down the stereo and gave Shawn a pound. When I started clapping, they looked over.

“That was a great performance.”

“How long have you been there?”

I went over to pick up Shawn, and gave him a big hug. “Just a minute or two. You guys are quite the act.”

“Hell yeah, we are. We have the looks and talent. We’re gonna be an unstoppable duo. Isn’t that right, buddy?” Malcolm reached forward and ruffled Shawn’s hair. He laughed in response.

“Can your budding career wait until the other half is at least potty trained?”

“Guess we can hold off.”

Mal put his hand on my lower back, leaned down, and gave me a quick kiss on the cheek. Shawn in turn gave me a big sloppy kiss on the other one. Malcolm and I laughed.

“This is a pretty good deal I have here. Endless supply of hugs and kisses.”

Malcolm’s hand slid lower until it rested on my ass. He gave it a squeeze before walking off to the kitchen. I sat down on the sofa, readjusting Shawn in my arms. He maneuvered himself so that his legs were on either side of me, and his head rested on my chest, assuming his nap position.

Malcolm poured himself a glass of OJ. “You want something?”

I shook my head and absentmindedly ran my fingers through Shawn’s hair. He sat up, asking for juice. Malcolm came over to retrieve Shawn’s sippy cup to fulfill the request.

“How was your appointment?” Mal asked as he handed Shawn his cup then took a seat beside us.

“It was good.” Shawn moved around until he got comfortable again. “I was thinking about not going as often.”

Mal took a drink of his juice. “Bi-weekly instead of weekly?”

“Yeah, maybe.”

I shifted my attention away from Malcolm down to Shawn. His eyes were half closed, and he continued to drink from his cup. I lightly brushed his hair off his forehead. I looked back over at Mal when I felt his fingers on the back of my neck.