Not Broken: The Happily Ever After(94)

“Hide from him?”

“Yes.” I stopped and tried to figure out the best way to explain. “I’ve opened up to him about some topics, and I’m trying. I rather keep things to myself when I’m uncomfortable. Retreat away and not deal. But he understands I don’t always want to talk about things.”

Dr. Carr nodded her head in agreement or understanding.

“You corrected yourself when explaining that Malcolm doesn't make you do things. That’s a change from how you viewed his actions before.”

“I’ve done some self-reflecting. My time here isn’t a total waste. Eventually what you say gets through.”

Dr. Carr laughed. “Always good to know I’m not wasting my patient’s time or money.”

I smiled. “I know I’ve not been the easiest. I’ve spent a lot of time in this place. Much of it with me actively finding ways to remain guarded.” My face warmed with the admission. I’d never believed I was fooling Dr. Carr, but admitting it was a whole other matter.

“You’ve been exactly what you needed to be at the time. Therapy is a marathon, not a sprint. You have to work at your pace otherwise it’s pointless.”

“Maybe. Anyway, when I came here upset, feeling like Malcolm ambushed me into the relationship, you told me I allowed the choice to be made by not speaking up. Big surprise I didn’t see it that way. But...you were right. Malcolm isn’t Seth, but to protect myself or whatever I viewed him through Seth-colored glasses. Because of that, everything Malcolm did wrong—no matter how small—I magnified ten-fold.”

Dr. Carr sat back in her chair and crossed her legs at the ankle. “That is quite a bit of self-reflection.”

“Bet you thought I was a lost cause, huh?” I joked and reached over for the bottle of water on the table.

“No one’s a lost cause, Calida.”

“Right, well I’ve taken off those glasses, and the view is much different when I’m not looking for the bad.” I paused. Reaching back, I touched the scar through my shirt. “Even with that breakthrough or whatever, I still find myself guarded with him.”

I thought about our talk a few days ago. I never answered his question about the tattoo, and he’d not asked again.

“Is this something Malcolm has an issue with?”

I shook my head. “He says not everyone is an open book.”

“So, this is something that bothers you?”

I nodded. “He said that, and in the next breath basically told me he didn’t have any no-go topics. Logically, I know I shouldn’t be mad that he won’t avoid talking about things, but I kinda was. Crazy, right? What person gets annoyed by their significant other saying something like that?” I stood to move around.

“Not crazy. You want him to have no-go topics so you’ll feel better about yours. However, you have to remember your situations are very different. Opening up and letting him in is still new to you, it’ll take time. It would be unrealistic to think you’d change overnight.”

I hugged myself as I stared out the fifth-story window. “I still hate disappointing people. Him.”

“How did you disappoint him?”

“Because I couldn’t tell him about the tattoo.”

I heard the scratching on the paper. “What tattoo?”

I turned to face her. “I have a tattoo on the back of my left shoulder. It was the beginning of the end. Malcolm asked me why I got it the other night, and I couldn’t answer him. Wouldn’t answer him.”

“Why not?”

“Because keeping my head buried in the sand is still the easier choice. Because I’ve pushed too much with how many of my stupid actions and choices he’s accepted from me. Because...because I’m always scared he’ll think less of me. That he’ll wake up one day and realize I’m not worth the effort.”

My heart raced. Nervous flutters erupted out of nowhere. I looked down at the ring and started twisting it around on my finger. I willed myself to calm down before my thoughts could tumble too far down the dark path.

Dr. Carr placed her notebook and pen on the side table then moved forward so she sat at the edge of her chair. “Calida, how long did Malcolm pursue this relationship with you?”

I shrugged. “I guess he’s wanted it from the beginning, once I—you know, but he really amped up things in the six months prior to everything starting with us.”

“So, he spent the last two years proving himself to you. Do you think there’s really anything you could tell him that would make him walk away?”

I returned my attention to the window to watch the cars and people below. “Dorian made me doubt myself. Paul, he capitalized on that and stripped away any self-respect I’d had. Then Seth came along just as I began to find my way, and he obliterated everything. Who I was. What I thought. How I felt. All of it depended on him. He got into my head. Into my soul. Till we were so intertwined that I questioned my sanity. He...did...horrible things to me. Soul shattering things, but then he’d be the one to comfort me. To make it all right again. And I’d let him.”

I paused and took a shaky breath. “Long before the tattoo. Long before Seth revealed his true self, part of me knew I should have walked away. And I did once.” I gave a bitter laugh as I thought back to the night with that stripper and the threesome he’d manipulated me into. “I walked away, but I couldn’t even stick to my own hard limits.”