Messy Love(54)

“I guess it was my way of trying to do damage control. Once you meet Ava, we’ll be in each other’s life, and I don’t want her to feel the confusion that’s between us.’’

“You mean, you don’t want your little sister to see the kind of guy you are beyond the big brother you are with her.’’

“She’ll know soon enough that I’m an asshole,’’ he bit back, eyes hard on me, lips thinning as he battled with his anger and the fears that never left him. “I’ve never pretended to be a good guy, Marissa. That’s not something I can pretend to be, but I sure will never hurt my little sister. That doesn’t mean she won’t figure it out on her fucking own when she grows up.’’

“You’re moody and an ass with people who threaten a part of your life you cherish, but I don’t think you’re a bad guy with your family. And I see where you’re coming from.’’

“Yeah?’’ he asked, an eyebrow arched in obvious doubt. But where the subject was sensitive, his face didn’t close off. In fact, he appeared to be relaxing bit by bit. Even his gaze warmed as he stared at me.

“You want to protect Ava.’’ I cringed when I thought of that little girl’s reaction if she discovered about me. “I’m not sure if it’s a good idea to tell her. She’s so young.’’

“That’s what I said, but I don’t know how much is from fear of letting you further in my family and how much is from needing to protect Ava.’’

“Wow.’’ I blinked at him and offered a tiny smile. “That’s pretty honest of you.’’

He shrugged and chuckled. He wasn’t making any sound, but his shoulders shook, and his mouth stretched wider, crookedly, until his front teeth peeked from between his lips. I noticed his dimple through his thick scruff.

“My screw up is out in the open, better embrace it and all that shit now,’’ he mumbled.

At that moment, stillness invaded the room to sit on our shoulders. It muted all other sounds to my ears and left me there, a prey to who Wyatt was. “How can we be in each other’s life when I can’t help but drive you away and want to draw you in at every second?’’

“I…’’ I started and then stopped to take a deep breath. My lungs burned with the need for more oxygen, but I fought the urge to breath faster, louder. I was desperate for calm and detachment. That, better than getting sucked in again and losing a bit more of my self-esteem. I pushed away the sudden ache low in my belly, the sudden wetness in my panties, the way my blood lit a fire through my whole body. I ignored everything. Or I tried because that wetness was there, nagging me, making me clench. I pressed my thighs tighter together, and I gulped. “Don’t. I can’t go there again.’’

He leaned closer, his eyes turning always more entrancing as they took most of my sight. The faint beer smell coming from his mouth mixed with his smell I remembered from that night called out to me. It called out to me so much that I caught myself leaning closer, eyelids heavy and lips tingling.

“Then do something to make me want you less,’’ he urged me, voice tight as his jaw locked and his hand went up, ready to cup my face.

I leaned back just when his warmth seeped into my skin, melting my bones. “You don’t even like me,’’ I breathed out.

His hand, still up between us slowly lowered until it engulfed my thigh tightly, possessively. If anything, that touch had my heart soaring more as the ache in my belly intensified. He broke me. Something told me he would always break me.

“Don’t you know it? Good always attracts bad.’’ Once again, he got closer, so much closer that his nose skimmed mine and nothing but his eyes, so dark and vibrant took over my sight, my damn world. “I want you so fucking bad, Marissa. It’s eating at me, just like these damn fears do. So, as I texted you… What now?’’

“I don’t know,’’ I whispered and closed my eyes. I was a coward.

“You know,’’ he said, assurance tugging at my nerves and giving me a shiver at the same time. “You know because you’re still on my fucking couch. You’re pressing your thighs together. You’re breathing faster. You’ve closed your eyes. You’re surrendering to this.’’

“Why are we back at this?’’

“Who knows.’’ His nose brushed along mine. “Does it matter?’’

“When I’m bound to get hurt again?’’ I opened my eyes slowly, blinking until his eyes devoured me. “It does.’’ I swallowed past the tightness in my throat and reluctantly pulled away, inch by inch until I was safe from his overwhelming presence. “It does matter,’’ I repeated with a steadier voice.

“You’d rather play it safe,’’ he stated coldly, distance coming back between us, not just the literal kind.

“I’d rather…’’ I shook my head then and stopped. “You know what, I don’t see why I should explain myself. You know well that it’s best to protect yourself from getting hurt, that’s why you’re so afraid all the damn time, Wyatt. Don’t blame me for looking out for me.’’

My words hit him. I knew it because he recoiled and tensed, but what surprised me was his nod.

“I don’t blame you,’’ he said quietly, his voice grumbling. “I just don’t know how I can ignore this the next time we see each other.’’