Messy Love(56)

“Does that bother you?’’

“Well, yeah. I mean, yes.’’ She frowned at me just as we stopped at my car, neither of us making a move to climb in once the door unlocked. “Doesn’t it bother you?’’

I leaned against the car, Ava’s small bag hanging from one hand while I rubbed the back of my head in thoughts. It was one thing to be bothered and troubled by Marissa’s existence, but it was another to comfort a kid who was probably lost in all of this even if she couldn’t put a word on her feelings. I didn’t want her to feel this helpless, this disturbed. I wanted my sister happy, just like she’s always been which meant that I had to protect her from my dark thoughts and fears, something I’ve had to do several times over the years.

“Honest?’’ I asked her, and at her nod, I pushed out a smile I didn’t feel. “I was concerned at first, but I got to know Marissa, and she’s great. Sometimes, peanut, people don’t have a choice, and they can’t raise a baby. Mom was too young and on her own. She gave Marissa the chance to grow up like you did with two parents, an older brother and a good home.’’

“But why did Mom give her up and not me? Because she’s older?’’

I put a finger under her small dimpled chin and tilted her head up until her chocolate eyes full of worries that weren’t supposed to be there looked back at me. “Mom didn’t have Dad when she had Marissa. She didn’t have anything, Ava. You can’t blame Mom for this, okay? And you don’t have to wonder why you and not Marissa because it has nothing to do with you or Marissa. Life's hard when you grow up, peanut. That’s the way it is.’’

She nodded, and that tiny little nod broke my fucking heart. In that single nod, I saw an understanding of the world that shattered some of the childlike thoughts she used to have just a few days ago. For one thing, she didn’t see Mom like the perfect person she had always seen, but she saw her failures and flaws too.

“I can’t believe I have an older sister.’’ She scrunched up her little nose and stared at me. “How is she?’’

“She looks a lot like Mom.’’

“Really? More than me?’’

“You took a lot after Dad,’’ I said and opened the door for her to climb in the back. I waited until she was buckled to close the door and go behind the wheels. “She’s taller than Mom and thinner, but she has the same eye color.’’

“Tell me more.’’

“Alright,’’ I replied and smiled, this time genuinely when I heard Ava’s growing curiosity about Marissa. That was a good sign. When Ava was curious, it meant that she was all right. She only needed someone other than the parents to talk to, and she needed time to process the huge news. Anybody and at any age would need time.

So, I told everything I knew about Marissa, even the smallest details like how she often rubbed or caressed her tats on her wrist or behind her little ear. I went on and on until I parked in front of our parents’ house and that was when I realized how many things I knew about Marissa, even the most inconsequential things.

I silently thanked that Ava was too young to understand what it meant.

***





MARISSA


I swung on the porch swing behind my parents’ house and stared at the trees moving lazily in the wind. I let the bird's song lull me into a calm that I had been trying to find these past few days, or maybe months if I was honest. My muscles melted, my shoulders slouched and my hands unclenched in my lap.

“Can I sit with you, darling?’’

I smiled up at my mother and patted the empty space on the porch swing. I stared at the woman who had never failed to give me motherly love, care, and attention. She looked barely like the fifty-five-year-old she was with her blonde hair, now colored to hide gray hair, her bright blue eyes, and the clear complexion that she never seemed to be able to tan.

“You’re not very talkative today.’’

“Sorry.’’ I touched the birds on my wrist and smiled at her. “I have a lot on my mind, that’s all.’’

“Is it about your work or…’’ she trailed off, probably looking for the right words to finish her sentence without upsetting me. She’d been walking on eggs ever since I went to Lydia’s.

“Or about my birth mother.’’

“Yes,’’ she said, a soft smile on her thin lips. “I don’t want you to keep everything inside. You know you can talk to Dad or me. We’re supporting you in all of this, darling. Never doubt that.’’

“I know you are. You two have been amazing.’’ I put my head on her shoulder, and when her hand started to run through my hair, I released a contented sigh. “It’s more complicated than I expected.’’

“But she welcomed you with open arms, didn’t she?’’ My mother’s hand stopped stroking my head, waiting for my answer.

“She did. She’s a great person, Mom. Don’t worry.’’ Her hand went back to petting me. “It’s just that she has her own family, her own life. I have my own life too. I don’t know what I’m doing, and I’m afraid that I started something a lot bigger than I ever expected.’’

“I’m telling you what you’re doing. You’re doing your best to navigate a difficult situation. We’re proud of you, Marissa. If you need to stop seeing her, Lydia Burton will understand.’’