Messy Love(51)

“It’s not that,’’ I replied but didn’t voice the intricacies of my fucked up mind. That was the joke too, knowing that I was fucked and that most of my anguish came from me, not from the others. It was still hard to control myself. “I acted like an ass with her.’’

“I know you, Wyatt. When you’re wrong, you find a way to apologize.’’

“Doesn’t make it right.’’ I sighed and turned to face my mother. She was short in front of me, a lot shorter than Marissa, but it was impossible to unsee the similarities with her long-lost daughter.

“It speaks to someone's character when they apologize. It makes a difference.’’

“If you say so.’’ I shrugged and forced a smile. “Any more questions to ask so I can show off my bad temper again?’’

At her thinly veiled cringe I knew there was more coming my way and I rolled my eyes.

“I think it’s best to wait for this one. It can wait.’’

“Nah, go ahead. I’m all warmed up right now.’’

“Wyatt.’’

“I’m not kidding, Mom. I’ll do my best to stay calm.’’

She eyed me a while longer, and I must have been convincing because she nodded and patted my hand, the one on the kitchen countertop. “What would you think if I told Ava about Marissa?’’

That one came from left field. And it was yet another blow for me, at least that’s how it felt. Ava was my sister. I closed my eyes then and silently cursed this mayhem.

Ava was also Marissa’s sister.

“Ava is too young, Mom,’’ I said quietly, voice so damn calm I didn’t sound like myself.

“Your father thinks she’s smart enough to understand the situation if I explain it correctly to her. I’m afraid, don't get me wrong, but he made me realize that it would never get easier to tell her, no matter how old she is.’’

“Have you told Marissa? Because knowing how curious Ava is, she’s going to want to meet her.’’

“Marissa isn’t ready right now. She needs more time, I think.’’

“She doesn’t want to meet Ava?’’

“No, she wants to, but she says that she’s not in the right place to be there if Ava needs her for now.’’

The damn boulder I was so familiar with made another appearance. “Looks like Marissa will be a part of the family, uh?’’

“I…I…’’ she stuttered and then stopped herself, her eyes dropping to the floor.

“It’s okay, Mom. I knew it was coming. Everything started changing the moment she came to the house.’’

“I’m not sure she’ll ever want to be a part of the family. She has her own life, after all. I just want her to know that I’m here if she needs me. I don’t want any secrets in my life. Do you understand?’’

For someone with as many fucked up secrets as I had, I understood it too much.

“Yeah, yeah I do.’’ I blew out some air through my parted lips. “Do whatever you think is best for you and Ava. I can deal with it.’’

“Are you sure?’’ She stared at me a long time, visibly taken aback by my sudden calm when minutes ago I blew a gasket over what seemed like nothing.

“Yeah, don’t worry about me.’’ I couldn’t tell her that the twisted part of me thanked that new turn of event that meant that I’d see Marissa again. The other part of me cowered in fear and in turn, raged like a lion in a cage at the prospect of losing more and more place in the Burton family. Like always, I was torn in different directions, never knowing which way was up and I was fucking tired of it. “Listen, Mom, I don’t want to be rude or anything, but I'm beat. Work was a pain, and I’m a few clients short, so there’s a good chance my hours will get cut—’’

“Oh no!’’

“Don’t worry. I’ll get more clients. It’ll soon be summer. People often come for training then.’’

“If I can do something… Oh, I know! What if I came to the gym and became one of your clients? It couldn’t hurt losing the extra weight.’’

“You’d probably hate me ten minutes in,’’ I said with a chuckle and hugged her quickly. “And you’re good just the way you are. It’s not like you don’t exercise.’’

“Alright. If you change your mind, let me know. I’m sure I could rope in a few mothers from Ava’s school too if need be.’’

She caressed my cheek covered in scruff and then went back to the couch where she left her purse before leaving me to my thoughts, my fears and my need for a woman who fucked me up without meaning to.





MARISSA


I was thankful for Aimee, my sister-in-law, for getting me out of the dining table and away from my parents and Jamie’s prying eyes. I was lucky to have these people in my life and for their care for me, but while on paper it was great, it was damn tiring to repeat every thirty minutes or so that you’re fine even if you feel nothing but and it shows.

I wasn’t smiling and joking around with Jamie like usual. Instead, I was mostly quiet, enquiring about my future nephew growing in Aimee’s ever-expanding belly and asked my parents how work was at the family construction company. That resumed my contribution to our family lunch, the one Aimee and Jamie wanted to host every month, so I would come back and visit. It also meant that I had to spend four hours in the car to attend this lunch, but it was nice to be with my family. My real family.