Loveless(86)

‘More than most things in this world,’ said Jason.

We danced. We danced a lot. And for the first time since getting to this university, I actually enjoyed it. All of it. The loud music, the sticky floor, the drinks served in tiny plastic cups. The old classics this club was playing, the drunk girls we befriended in the bathroom because of the pug plushie I’d been carrying around, Rooney slinging her arm over my shoulder, tipsy, swaying along to ‘Happy Together’ by The Turtles and ‘Walking on Sunshine’ by Katrina and the Waves, Sunil grabbing Jason by the hands and forcing him to do the macarena even though he thought it was cringey.

Everything was better because of my friends. If they hadn’t been there, I would have hated it. I would have wanted to go home.

I kept an eye on Rooney. There was one point in the night where she started drunkenly chatting and laughing with another group of people, students I’d never even seen before, and I wondered whether she was going to do her thing and abandon us.

But when I grabbed her hand, she turned away from them and looked at me, her face flashing different colours under the lights, and she seemed to remember why she was here. She remembered that she had us.

And I pulled her back to where Jason and Sunil were jumping up and down to ‘Jump Around’ by House of Pain, and we started jumping, and she smiled right in my face.

I knew she was still hurting. I was too. But for a moment she seemed happy. So, so happy.

All in all, I had one of the best nights of my university life.

‘I’m screaming,’ said Rooney, with a mouthful of pizza as we walked through Durham back to our colleges. ‘This is the best thing I have ever had in my mouth.’

‘That’s what she said,’ said Jason, which set Rooney off on a laughing fit that quickly turned into a coughing fit.

I bit into my own pizza slice, agreeing with Rooney. Something about a hot takeaway pizza in the middle of the night in the freezing northern winter was, to be frank, heavenly.

Jason and I walked side by side, Rooney and Sunil walking a little way ahead, engaged in discussion about the best pizza place in Durham.

I hadn’t yet had a chance to talk to Jason one-on-one. Until now. I didn’t really know how to start. How to apologise for everything. How to ask if there was a chance we could be friends again.

Fortunately, he spoke first.

‘I wish Pip was here,’ he said. ‘She would have loved tonight.’

It wasn’t what I expected him to say, but as soon as he did, I realised how right he was.

Jason snorted. ‘I have such a clear vision of her dressed up as Scooby-Doo, doing the Scooby-Doo voice.’

‘Oh my God. Yes.’

‘I can literally hear it. And it’s terrible.’

‘She would be terrible.’

We both laughed. Like everything was back to normal.

But it wasn’t.

Not until we talked about it.

‘I’m …’ I started to say, but stopped myself, because it didn’t feel like enough. Nothing I could say felt like enough.

Jason turned to face me. We’d just reached one of the many bridges that stretched over the River Wear.

‘Are you cold?’ he asked. ‘You can borrow my jacket.’

He started to take it off. God. I didn’t deserve him.

‘No, no. I was gonna say … I was gonna say I’m sorry,’ I said.

Jason pulled his jacket back on. ‘Oh.’

‘I’m so sorry for … everything. I’m just so sorry for everything.’ I stopped walking because I could feel myself welling up and I didn’t want to cry in front of him. I really, really didn’t want to cry. ‘I love you so much and … trying to date you was the worst thing I’ve ever done.’

Jason stopped walking.

‘It was pretty bad, wasn’t it?’ he said, after a pause. ‘We were very shit at it.’

This made me laugh, despite everything.

‘You didn’t deserve to be treated like that,’ I continued, trying to get it all out now while I had the chance.

Jason nodded. ‘That is true.’

‘And I need you to know that it was nothing to do with you – you’re – you’re perfect.’

Jason smiled, and attempted to flip the hair of his wig. ‘Also true.’

‘I’m just – I’m just different. I just can’t feel that stuff.’

‘Yeah.’ Jason nodded again. ‘You’re … asexual? Or aromantic?’

I froze. ‘What – wait, you know what those are?’

‘Well … I’d heard of them. And when you messaged me I made the connection and then I went and looked them up and, yeah. That sounded like what you were describing.’ He looked alarmed suddenly. ‘Am I wrong? I’m so sorry if I got it wrong …’

‘No, no – you’re right.’ I let out a breath. ‘I-I am. Uh, both of them. Aro-ace.’

‘Aro-ace,’ Jason repeated. ‘Well.’

‘Yeah.’

He slotted his hand into mine and we resumed walking.

‘You didn’t reply to my message, though,’ I pointed out.

‘Well … I was really upset.’ He stared at the ground. ‘And … I couldn’t really talk to you while I was … still in love with you.’