Loveless(81)

‘So,’ I said, after we’d sat in silence for over ten minutes. ‘I’ve been sensing that you are not having a great time right now.’

Rooney stared at me blankly. ‘I enjoyed the chips.’

‘I meant generally.’

She took a long sip from the jug.

‘No,’ she said. ‘Everything’s shit.’

I waited for her to open up about it, but she didn’t, and I realised I was going to have to pry.

‘The play?’ I said.

‘Not just that.’ Rooney groaned and leant over the table on one hand. ‘Christmas was hell. I … I spent most of it meeting up with my school friends and, like … he was always there.’

It took me a moment to realise who she meant by ‘he’.

‘Your ex-boyfriend,’ I said.

‘He ruined so many things for me.’ Rooney started stabbing the fruit in our cocktail jug with her straw. ‘Every time I see his face I want to scream. And he doesn’t even think he did anything wrong. Because of him, I – God. I could have been a much better person if I’d never met him. He’s the reason I’m like this.’

I didn’t know what to say to that. I wanted to ask her what happened, what he did, but I didn’t want to force her to revisit bad stuff if she didn’t want to.

There was a long silence after she spoke. By the time she spoke again, she had successfully skewered all of the fruit in the jug.

‘I really like Pip,’ she said in a very quiet voice.

I nodded slowly.

‘You knew?’ she asked.

I nodded again.

Rooney chuckled. She took another sip.

‘How come you know me better than anyone?’ she asked.

‘We live together?’ I said.

She just smiled. We both knew it was more than that.

‘So … what are you gonna do?’

‘Uh, nothing?’ Rooney scoffed. ‘She hates me.’

‘I mean … yes, but she misinterpreted the situation.’

‘We made out. There’s not much to misinterpret.’

‘She thinks that we’re a thing. That’s the reason she’s angry.’

Rooney nodded. ‘Because she thinks I’m taking you away from her.’

I almost groaned at the stupidity. ‘No, because she likes you back.’

The look on her face was like I’d taken a glass and smashed it over her head.

‘That’s – that’s just – you’re just wrong about that,’ she stammered, going a little red in the face.

‘I’m just saying what I see.’

‘I don’t want to talk about Pip any more.’

We fell into silence again for a few moments. I knew Rooney was smart about this sort of thing – I’d watched her effortlessly navigate relationships of all kinds since the first day I met her. But, when it came to Pip, she had the emotional intelligence of a single grape.

‘So you like girls?’ I asked.

The scowl on her face dropped. ‘Yeah. Probably. I dunno.’

‘Three wildly different answers to that question.’

‘I dunno, then. I guess … I mean, I questioned whether I liked girls a bit when I was younger. When I was thirteen, I had a crush on one of my friends. A girl. But like –’ she made a shrugging gesture ‘– all girls do that, right? Like, that’s common, having little crushes on your female friends.’

‘No,’ I said, trying not to laugh. ‘Nope. Not all girls do that. Example A.’ I gestured to myself.

‘Well. OK, then.’ She looked to one side. ‘I guess I like girls, then.’

She said it with such nonchalance, it was as if she’d realised her sexuality and come out in the space of about ten seconds. But I knew her better than that. She’d probably been figuring it out for a while. Just like I had.

‘Does that make me bi?’ she asked. ‘Or … pan? Or what?’

‘Whatever you want. You can think about it.’

‘Yeah. I guess I will.’ She was staring at the table. ‘You know, when we kissed … I think I did that because there’s always been this part of me who’s wanted to … um, you know. Be with girls. And you were just a safe option to try it out because I knew you wouldn’t hate me forever. Which was a really shit thing to do, obviously. God, I’m so sorry.’

‘It was a shit thing to do,’ I agreed. ‘But I can relate about accidentally using people because you’re confused about your sexuality.’

We’d both fucked up in a lot of ways. And while our sexuality confusion wasn’t an excuse, it was good that we both realised our mistakes.

Maybe that meant we’d make less of them going forward.

‘I never had any gay or bi friends at school,’ Rooney said. ‘I didn’t really know anyone openly gay, actually. Maybe I would have figured it out sooner if I had.’

‘My best friend has been out since she was fifteen, and it still took me years to figure myself out,’ I said.

‘True. Wow. Shit’s tricky.’

‘Yup.’

She snorted. ‘I’m at uni for three months and suddenly I’m not straight any more.’