Loveless(54)

‘I mean, let’s get to the bottom of your feelings and figure out whether you’re attracted to Jason or not.’

I had absolutely no idea where this conversation was going, and I was scared.

‘Question One. Do you wank?’

I’d been right to be scared.

‘Oh God.’

She held up her hands. ‘You don’t have to answer, but I think this might be a pretty good way of figuring out if you really like Jason.’

‘I’m so uncomfortable.’

‘It’s just me. I’ve heard you fart in bed.’

‘No you haven’t.’

‘I have. It was loud.’

‘Oh God.’

I knew I could just shut this conversation down if I really wanted to. It was a bit rude of Rooney to ask such personal things when, really, we’d only known each other for a month and a half. But I did want to talk about stuff like this with someone. And I did think that talking about it might help me figure some stuff out.

‘So,’ Rooney continued. ‘Masturbation.’

I wasn’t the sort of person who thought it was a ‘guy thing’. I’d been on the internet long enough to know that masturbation was all-gender.

‘Doesn’t … doesn’t everyone masturbate?’ I mumbled.

‘Hm, no, I don’t think so.’ Rooney tapped her chin. ‘I had a friend back at home who said she just didn’t like doing it.’

‘Oh. That’s fair enough.’

‘So I assume you do it then.’

Yes, I did. I wasn’t gonna just lie about it. I knew it wasn’t something to be ashamed of, obviously, but it still felt excruciating to talk about.

‘Yeah,’ I said.

‘OK. So, what d’you think about when you masturbate?’

‘Rooney. Oh my fucking God.’

‘Come on! We’re doing a scientific study to determine where your attraction lies. Oh my God, we should get Pip to help! She does science!’

I didn’t particularly want Pip to get involved in this already awkward conversation. ‘No, we shouldn’t.’

‘Do you think about men? Women? Both? Any/or?’

The honest answer was:

Any.

Literally anything.

But I knew that would just confuse things. And here’s why.

My usual masturbation situation was just whenever I was in the mood to read a smutty fanfic. It felt like a safe, fun way to get turned on and have a good time. So I would just think about the characters in the fic I was reading. Whatever combination of genders that involved – I wasn’t fussy, as long as the writing was good.

It wasn’t about bodies and genitals for me. It was about chemistry. But that wasn’t anything unusual, I thought.

People didn’t really just look at boobs or abs and get turned on. Did they?

‘Georgia,’ said Rooney. ‘Come on. I’ll tell you mine if you tell me yours.’

‘Fine,’ I said. ‘I … the gender doesn’t really matter.’

‘Oh my God! Same!’ Rooney gestured between us. ‘Wank fantasy sisters!’

‘Never say that again.’

‘No, but it’s cool to know I’m not alone in that.’ She wrapped her covers a little tighter round her. ‘Like, I know I only go out with guys, but … you know. It’s fun to think about other stuff.’

Maybe I was bi or pan, then. Maybe we both were. If gender didn’t matter to us, that would make sense, right?

‘There are still some specific scenarios I have to picture,’ she continued. ‘Like, I can’t just imagine myself doing anything with anyone. I still think I have … preferences. But not limited to gender.’

Something she’d said struck me.

‘Wait,’ I said. ‘I-I mean, I don’t imagine myself with any gender.’

She paused. ‘Oh. What?’

It clicked in my brain what I was trying to say.

‘I don’t think about myself having sex,’ I said.

Rooney frowned, then she snorted, and then, upon realising I wasn’t joking, she frowned again. ‘What do you think about then? Other people?’

‘… Yeah.’

‘Like … people you know?’

‘Ew, no. Oh my God. More like … made-up people in my brain.’

‘Hm.’ Rooney let out a deep breath. ‘So … you don’t think about having sex with Jason?’

‘No!’ I exclaimed. The thought of having sex with Jason freaked me out. ‘People don’t – people don’t actually do that, do they?’

‘What, fantasise about someone they have a crush on?’

As soon as she said it, I realised how obvious it was. Of course people did that. I’d seen it dozens of times in movies and on TV and in fanfics.

‘This is going to be harder than I thought,’ said Rooney.

‘Oh.’

‘OK, so. Question Two. Who was the celebrity you last got off to?’

I blinked. ‘People definitely don’t do that.’

‘Do what?’

‘Get off to pictures of celebrities.’

‘Uh, yes they do. I have a folder of shirtless pics of Henry Cavill on my laptop.’