Loveless(53)

Jason patted him on the shoulder. ‘Yeah, you need to come for pizza with us sometime. Cast bonding.’

Sunil smiled at him. ‘I will. Thank you.’

We said goodbye to Sunil, who had a tutorial to get to, and Jason and I leant against opposite sides of the doorframe, waiting for Pip and Rooney.

Jason started flicking through the pages of his copy of the play. ‘Much Ado is such a good play. Although I don’t get the appeal of relationships where they’re mean to each other at the start.’

‘It’s all just build-up to the point where they inevitably have really wild sex,’ I said, thinking fondly of some of my favourite enemies-to-lovers fics. ‘It makes the eventual sex more exciting.’

‘I suppose it makes a good story.’ Jason flipped over a page. ‘It’s funny how much stuff revolves around sex. I don’t even think I’d need it in a relationship.’

‘Wait, really?’

‘Like, it’s fun, but … I don’t think it’s a deal-breaker. If the other person didn’t want to do it that much. Or at all, I guess.’ He looked up from behind the book. ‘What? Is that weird?’

I shrugged. ‘No, that’s just a cool way to think about it.’

‘If you really loved someone, I just think you wouldn’t really … care so much about things like that. I dunno. I think everyone’s been kind of conditioned to be obsessed with it, when in actual fact … you know, it’s just a thing people do for fun. You don’t even need it to make babies any more. It’s not like you’d die without it.’

‘Die without what?’ asked Pip, who was suddenly only a couple of metres away from us, pulling her bomber jacket on.

Jason snapped the book shut. ‘Pizza.’

‘Oh my God, can we get pizza right now? I will die without pizza right now.’

They left the room together, chatting, while I waited for Rooney, who was tying her shoelaces.

Was there some kind of third choice when it came to mine and Jason’s relationship? Could we be together and just … not have sex?

I stood there in the doorway trying to picture it. No sex, but still a romance. A relationship. Kissing Jason, holding hands with Jason. Being in love.

I’d spent a lot of time thinking about how I felt about love, but not much about having sex – I’d just assumed that sex would automatically be a part of it. But it didn’t have to be. Sunil had told me that some people didn’t want sex but were perfectly happy in relationships without it.

Maybe I did like Jason romantically – I just didn’t want to have sex with him.





Obviously, I spent the rest of the day thinking about sex. Not even in a fun way. Just in a confused way.

I hadn’t given much thought to how I felt about sex until the prom afterparty. That had been when I’d started to wonder whether I was weird for not having done all the things other people claimed they’d done – including having sex.

We all know that the concept of ‘virginity’ is dumb as hell and invented by misogynists, but that didn’t stop me feeling like I was, essentially, missing out on something really great. But was I missing out? Sunil said he felt indifferent about sex. I’d never heard anyone talk about sex like that before. Like it was a takeaway cuisine you thought was OK, but you wouldn’t personally choose it.

All I’d felt about sex so far was shame for not having had it.

That night, in bed, I decided I needed to talk to someone who actually knew a bit about it. Rooney.

I rolled over to face her across the room. She was typing on her MacBook, most of her body concealed by her duvet.

‘Rooney?’ I said.

‘Mm?’

‘I’ve been thinking about … you know … my thing with Jason.’

This immediately got her attention. She sat up a little, shutting her MacBook, and said, ‘Yeah? Have you kissed yet?’

‘Um – well, no, but –’

‘Really?’ She raised her eyebrows, clearly thinking this was weird. ‘How come?’

I didn’t know what to tell her.

‘Don’t stress about it,’ she said with a wave of her hand. ‘It’ll happen. When it’s the right time, it’ll just happen.’

This annoyed me. Was kissing really so vague?

‘I guess,’ I said, feeling like I should just be honest, ‘I … don’t even know whether … you know, I’m attracted to men in general, or … something like that.’

Rooney blinked. ‘Really?’

‘Yeah.’

‘OK,’ said Rooney. She nodded, but I could see on her face that this was a surprise to her. ‘OK.’

‘I’m not sure, though. I’ve been thinking a lot about, um … well, how I’d feel about … physical stuff.’

There was a pause, and then she said, ‘Sex?’

I should have guessed she’d just be blunt about it. ‘Well, yeah.’

‘OK.’ She nodded again. ‘Yeah. That’s good. Sexual attraction is just figuring out who you want to have sex with.’ She paused to think, and then she turned fully to face me. ‘Right. We’re going to figure this out.’

‘What d’you mean?’