Loveless(49)

‘Oh, no, I am definitely being in your play.’

My mouth dropped open. ‘You … are?’

‘Definitely. I’ve really needed to do something like this – something fun. So, I’m in.’ He put his hands in his pockets. ‘If you’ll have me.’

‘Yeah! Yeah, we sort of need five members or the society gets scrapped.’

‘Well, there we have it, then. Message me the details?’

‘Yeah, definitely.’

There was a pause.

I could have left. It would have made sense for me to head home.

But instead I found myself talking.

‘I was sort of on a date today,’ I said. ‘When you found me.’

Sunil raised his eyebrows. ‘Oh really?’

‘But it … didn’t go very well.’

‘Oh. Why? Were they awful?’

‘No, it was … the guy is really lovely. It’s me that’s the problem. I’m weird.’

Sunil paused. ‘And why are you weird?’

‘I just …’ I laughed nervously. ‘I don’t think I can ever feel anything.’

‘Maybe he’s the wrong person for you.’

‘No,’ I said. ‘He’s wonderful. But I never feel anything for anyone.’

There was another long pause.

I didn’t even know how to begin to explain it properly. It felt like something I’d made up in my head. A dream I couldn’t quite remember properly.

And a word.

A word that Lloyd had spoken with such malice, but Sunil had defended.

A word that had sparked something in my brain.

I’d finally made the connection.

‘Uh …’ I was grateful I was a little tipsy. I pointed at his pin – the one with black, grey, white, and purple stripes. ‘Is that … the flag for, um … being asexual?’

Sunil’s eyes widened. For the briefest moment, he seemed genuinely shocked that I was not certain what his pin meant.

‘Yes,’ he said. ‘Asexuality. Do you know what that is?’

Now, I had definitely heard of asexuality. I’d seen a few people talking about it online, and many people with it in their Twitter or Tumblr bios. Sometimes I even came across a fanfic with an asexual character. But I’d hardly ever heard people use the word in real life, or even on TV or in movies. I figured it was something to do with not liking sex. But I didn’t know for sure.

‘Erm … not really,’ I said. ‘I’ve heard of it.’ I immediately felt embarrassed by this admission. ‘You really don’t have to spend time explaining it to me, I can just – I could just go and look it up …’

He smiled again. ‘It’s OK. I’d like to explain it. The internet can be a bit confusing.’

I shut my mouth.

‘Asexuality means I’m not sexually attracted to any gender.’

‘So …’ I thought about this. ‘That means … you don’t want to have sex with anyone?’

He chuckled. ‘Not necessarily. Some asexual people feel that way. But some don’t.’

Now I was just confused. Sunil could tell.

‘It’s OK,’ he said, and it genuinely did make me feel like it was OK that I didn’t understand. ‘Asexuality means I’m not sexually attracted to any gender. So I don’t look at men, or women, or anyone, and think, wow, I want to do sexy stuff with them.’

This made me snort. ‘Does anyone actually think stuff like that?’

Sunil smiled, but it was a sad smile. ‘Maybe not in those exact words, but yes, most people think stuff like that.’

This shook me. ‘Oh.’

‘So, I just don’t feel those feelings. Even if they’re someone I’m dating. Even if they’re a model or a celebrity. Even if, on a basic, objective level, I can tell that they’re conventionally attractive. I just don’t feel those feelings of attraction.’

‘Oh,’ I said again.

There was a pause. Sunil looked at me, contemplating what to say next.

‘Some asexuals still enjoy having sex, for a whole variety of reasons,’ he continued. ‘I think that’s why a lot of people find it confusing. But some asexuals don’t like sex at all, and some are just neutral about it. Some asexuals still feel romantic attraction to people – wanting to be in relationships, or even kiss people, for example. But others don’t want romantic relationships at all. It’s a big, big spectrum with a whole range of different feelings and experiences. And there’s really no way to tell how one specific person feels, even if they openly describe themselves as asexual.’

‘So …’ I knew it was a little invasive to ask, but I just had to. ‘Do you still want relationships?’

He nodded. ‘Yes. I identify as gay as well. Gay asexual.’

‘As … as well?’

‘The technical term is homoromantic. I still want to be in relationships with guys and masculine folks. But I feel very indifferent about sex, because I have never looked at men or any gender and felt sexual attraction to them. Men don’t turn me on. Nobody does.’

‘So romantic attraction is different from sexual attraction?’

‘For some people they feel like different things, yes,’ said Sunil. ‘So some people find it useful to define those two aspects of their attraction differently.’