Loveless(58)

I knew what sorts of feelings kissing was supposed to bring up. I’d read hundreds, possibly thousands of fanfics by this point. Kissing someone you like was supposed to make your head spin, your stomach twist, your heart speed up, and you were supposed to enjoy it.

I didn’t feel any of that. I just felt a deep, empty dread in the pit of my stomach. I hated how close he was. I hated the way his lips felt against mine. I hated the fact that he wanted to do this.

It only lasted for a few seconds.

But those were some very uncomfortable seconds for me.

And, from the look on his face, they were for him too.

‘You look like that was terrible,’ I found myself saying. I didn’t know what else to say but the truth by this point.

‘So do you,’ said Jason.

‘Oh.’

Jason looked away with a pained expression. He opened his mouth, then closed it again.

‘Well, I fucked that up,’ I said.

He shook his head immediately. ‘No, it’s my fault. Sorry. Shit. It was the wrong moment.’

I wanted to laugh. I wished I could explain just how much it was my fault.

Maybe I should try to explain.

But Jason ended up speaking first.

‘I don’t think you’re into me,’ he said.

When he looked at me, it was like he was pleading. Begging me to tell him otherwise.

‘I … I didn’t know whether I was,’ I said. ‘I thought if … if I tried then I could make it happen – I just wanted to see if I could fall in love, and you were the person I thought I could fall for, like, if I tried?’

As I said it, I realised exactly the weight of what I’d done.

‘You … just used me as an experiment, then,’ said Jason, looking away. ‘Knowing full well that I really liked you.’

‘I didn’t want to hurt you.’

‘Well, you did.’ He laughed. ‘How did you think you were going to do that and not?’

‘I’m sorry,’ was all I could say.

‘Fuck.’ Then he laughed a horrible, sad laugh. ‘Why did you do this to me?’

‘Don’t say that,’ I said hoarsely.

Jason turned the tap off and studied his hand, comparing it with his other hand. It looked several shades redder than it should be. ‘OK. I think it’s OK.’

‘Are you sure?’

‘Yeah. I might go and wrap it in something, just to be safe.’

‘Oh. God, yeah, of course.’ I stood there awkwardly. ‘Do you want me to come?’

‘No.’

Fuck. This was all going to shit.

‘I’m really sorry,’ I said, not sure whether I was apologising for the burn or for the kiss. Both, probably.

Jason was shaking his head. It almost seemed like he was annoyed with himself, but nothing that had happened this afternoon had been his fault. ‘I … I just need to go.’

Jason headed for the door.

‘Jason,’ I said, but he didn’t stop.

‘I’m just gonna need you to leave me alone for a while, OK, Georgia?’

And then he was gone.

Jason didn’t deserve any of this.

Jason was …

Jason had real feelings for me.

He deserved someone who was actually able to reciprocate.





It wasn’t just that I’d hurt Jason. It wasn’t even having to accept that I was some kind of sexual orientation that barely anyone had heard of, that I would have to find some way to explain to my family and everyone else. It was knowing, with absolute certainty, that I was never, ever going to fall in love with anybody.

I had spent my whole life believing that romantic love was waiting for me. That one day I’d find it and I would be totally, finally happy.

But now I had to accept that it would never happen. None of it. No romance. No marriage. No sex.

There were so many things that I would never do. Would never even want to do or feel comfortable doing. So many little things I’d taken for granted, like moving into my first place with my partner, or my first dance at my wedding, or having a baby with someone. Having someone to look after me when I’m sick, or watch TV with in the evenings, or going on a couples’ holiday to Disneyland.

And the worst part of it was – even though I’d longed for these things, I knew that they’d never make me happy anyway. The idea was beautiful. But the reality made me sick.

How could I feel so sad about giving up these things that I did not actually want?

I felt pathetic for getting sad about it. I felt guilty, knowing that there were people out there like me who were happy being like this.

I felt like I was grieving. I was grieving this fake life, a fantasy future that I was never going to live.

I had no idea what my life would be like now. And that scared me. God, that scared me so, so much.





I didn’t tell Pip.

I didn’t want to disappoint her too.

The day after my date with Jason, I started to wonder whether he would tell Pip, and Pip would hate me. But then she messaged me that afternoon with a link to a really funny TikTok, which definitely meant that Jason hadn’t told her.

The day after that, Pip messaged me asking if I wanted to meet up with her for a study session in the big university library because she hated doing uni work by herself in her room, and I agreed. Jason, she explained, had rowing practice so couldn’t come. We didn’t chat much while we were there – I had an Age of Chivalry assignment, and she was doing chemistry work that looked ten times more difficult than my essay on ‘Destiny in Chrétien de Troyes’ Perceval’. I was glad we didn’t talk much. Because if she’d asked me about Jason, I wouldn’t have been able to lie.