Leaving Amarillo(24)
Whatever the cause, when Gavin’s heart and soul are injured, it weighs on mine all the same.
I don’t know when I became this pathetic mess so completely codependent on the happiness of someone who has told me in no uncertain terms that he will never cross the friendship line with me, but here I am. All alone on the in-love side.
We reach the street where the warehouse is and Dallas and Gavin jog across the empty intersection. My legs are heavy as I follow.
That year I spent attempting to become a classically trained violinist headed straight for an orchestra pit?
It wasn’t just the music that didn’t do it for me. It was being away from my family and from Gavin.
Away from Gavin’s warmth and that damn dimpled smile, from my brother’s understanding and his quiet laughter, without Papa’s silent strength and constant encouragement, I began to change. Like a flower cast out into the darkness, I withered day by day, withdrawing into myself and into the girl I likely would’ve become if Gavin Garrison hadn’t wandered up onto my grandparents’ porch the day of my parents’ funeral.
Everyone thought I was shy, and a few thought I was some sort of snob who believed herself to be above them. Nothing could have been further from the truth. When end-of-the-semester tryouts came, I made first chair without having any of the expensive schooling or training the rest of them did. No one was more surprised than me, but it didn’t go over well.
When Dallas called to tell me about Papa’s heart attack, I didn’t hesitate. I took incompletes on my finals and hopped the first bus home. The scare with Papa reminded me how short life really is and by the time we got to bring him home from the hospital, I was ready to sprint to Gavin’s house and tell him that I loved him and couldn’t be away from him for a single second.
Dallas had taken all of that away with a few words.
Once we’d gotten our grandfather settled into bed that first night, my brother had stopped me in the kitchen. I told him that I’d spoken with my student advisor and since it was a family medical emergency and there were only a few weeks left in the semester, they’d hold my spot until fall and let me make up my exams.
“I can’t say that I’m thrilled with you leaving school early, but I also can’t say I’m not happy that you’re home, Dix.” Despite the exhaustion we both felt from a week in the hospital, excitement had shone like diamonds in his eyes. “I know we need to focus on Papa’s recovery for the next few weeks, but I talked to a few owners of local venues. I can schedule Leaving Amarillo a dozen gigs next month.”
“That’s great, Dallas. Wow.” Part of me was miffed at him for worrying about the band when Papa’s health clearly needed to come first, but I couldn’t deny that I was excited about playing with them again. It had been a long time since I’d looked forward to anything.
“And Dixie, don’t say anything to him when you see him, but Gavin has been having a hard time. Without the band, he was just . . . kind of lost.”
My heart clenches in my chest at the memory, the same way it did that day.
“W-what do you mean . . . lost?” I’d asked.
Dallas shrugged and averted his eyes, his tell that always revealed when he was keeping things from me. “Just . . . he really needs this, okay? We’ve played a few shows but it’s not the same without you. He needs the band and he needs to keep busy. Otherwise . . .”
“Otherwise what, Dallas?” My white-knuckle grip wore quickly thin on my patience. “Tell me what you mean. Now.”
Swallowing hard and clenching his jaw, my brother had informed me that when I’d left for school and he’d decided to stay with Papa instead of going to Nashville, causing the band to take a breather for the foreseeable future, Gavin had succumbed to the darkness, heading down a path dangerously close to that of his mother.
Shock had slapped any chance of hiding my emotions clear off my face, and I’d begged my brother to tell me what exactly had happened. But he’d said the details were none of my business—just that it had been bad. And only when Dallas had told him that I was returning to Amarillo, ironic considering the name of our band, and that he had gigs lined up for us, did Gavin step back into the light.
Which is why I have tried with all my might to keep my feelings for Gavin to myself. Until I had to watch him with that waitress and I suffered from a severe bout of temporary insanity.
Gavin needs the band to keep him from the darkness. Dallas has always dreamt of being onstage. My soul will starve if I can’t play the music that nourishes it.
But if I can’t hold my heart together, I am going to ruin everything. And everyone I love.
Because facing the truth—the one I can’t deny while this close to him—is a hammer to all of my weakest places. The truth is, Gavin Garrison will never kiss me, or make love to me, or whisper my name in the quiet stillness of a darkened bedroom while holding me in his arms.
He walked out. Just turned around and left. That was his reaction to me admitting my feelings.
He will never say the words that I haven’t heard since my parents died. Not to me. It’s not worth the risk, not to him. And I understand why, I really do. But understanding and accepting are two very different things. My head understands what my heart can’t accept.
It never bothered me that my grandparents didn’t go overboard telling us. They just weren’t vocal people. They believed in showing it instead of professing it all over the place. And I don’t think Dallas ever even said it to Robyn, much less to me. I know my brother loves me just like I know how twitchy it would make him to have to say it out loud. But knowing that Gavin will never say those three words to me is splinters shoving themselves deeper into my heart every day. Knowing he doesn’t want to hear them from me is fracturing it into a million pieces, creating a mosaic in my chest.