Klara and the Sun(82)
As we came into the low-cut grass area, I asked Rick to stop and let me down. Then, as he and I stood watching the Sun sink lower and lower, the barn’s shadow, as it had the last time, came stretching towards us across the weave-patterned grass. Once the Sun went behind the barn’s roof structure, I remembered how important it was not to take any more privacy than necessary, and asked Rick to leave me.
‘What goes on inside there?’ he asked, but before I could give any sort of response, he touched my shoulder kindly and said: ‘I’ll be waiting. Same place I was last time.’
Then he was gone, and I was alone, waiting for the Sun to reappear below the roof level and send his last rays to me through the barn. It occurred to me then not only that the Sun might be angry about my failure in the city, but also that this could well be my final chance to beg for his special help – and I thought about what it might mean for Josie if I failed. Fear entered my mind, but then I remembered his great kindness, and I walked without further hesitation towards Mr McBain’s barn.
* * *
—
As before, the barn was filled with orange light, and it was hard at first to see my surroundings. But I soon discerned the blocks of hay stacked up to my left, and I could see the low wall they formed had become even lower. There were the same particles of hay caught within the Sun’s rays, but instead of drifting gently in the air, they were now moving agitatedly as if one of the hay blocks had recently crashed down onto the hard wood floor and disintegrated. When I reached up to touch these moving particles, I noticed how my fingers cast shadows stretching all the way back to the barn’s entrance.
Beyond the hay blocks was the real wall of the barn, and I was pleased to see the Red Shelves from our old store still attached to it, though this evening they’d become crooked, slanting noticeably towards the rear of the building. The ceramic coffee cups had maintained their orderly line, but there were also signs of confusion: for instance, further on the same tier, I could see an object that was unmistakably Melania Housekeeper’s food blender.
I remembered how the last time I’d waited for the Sun, I’d sat on a metal foldaway chair, and turned towards the other side of the barn, hoping to see again not only the chair, but also the front alcove of our store – and perhaps even an AF standing proudly within it. What I actually saw was the Sun’s rays streaming by before me, following a near-horizontal trajectory, from the rear entrance to the front one. It was almost as if I were watching passing traffic in a busy street, and when I managed to throw my gaze over to the further side, I found it had been partitioned into numerous boxes of uneven dimensions. Only after a few seconds did I spot the metal foldaway chair – or rather, various parts of it within several of the boxes – and recalling how much comfort it had brought me the last time, I began to move towards it. But no sooner had I stepped into the Sun’s rays, it occurred to me that if I wished to catch his attention before he moved on, I’d have to act without delay. So I began forming words inside my mind, even as I stood there caught in the intense light.
‘You must be so tired, and I’m very sorry to disturb you. You’ll remember, I came here once before in the summer, when you were so kind and gave me a few minutes of your time. I’m daring now to return this evening to discuss the same very important matter.’
These words had barely shaped themselves when the memory came into my mind of that day of Josie’s interaction meeting, and the angry mother striding into the Open Plan shouting: ‘Danny’s right! You shouldn’t be here at all!’ Almost simultaneously I noticed, in one of the boxes to my right, angry cartoon writing like that I’d seen from the car on a building in the city. Regardless, I let more half-formed words rush through my mind.
‘I know I’ve no right to come here like this. And I know the Sun must be angry with me. I let him down, failing completely to stop Pollution. In fact I see now how very foolish I was in not considering there’d be a second terrible machine to allow Pollution to continue without a pause. But the Sun was watching at the yard that day, so he will know how hard I tried, and how I made my sacrifice, which I was only too pleased to do, even if now my abilities aren’t perhaps what they were. And you must have seen how the Father too helped and did his utmost, even though he knew nothing about the Sun’s kind agreement, because he saw my hope and placed his faith in it. I sincerely apologize for underestimating my task. It was my error and no one else’s, and though the Sun is right to be angry with me, I’m asking he accept that Josie herself is completely innocent. Like the Father, she never knew about my agreement with the Sun, and still has no idea. And now she’s becoming weaker and weaker each day. I’ve come here this evening like this because I’ve never forgotten how kind the Sun can be. If only he would show his great compassion to Josie, as he did that day to Beggar Man and his dog. If only he’d send Josie the special nourishment she so desperately requires.’
As these words swept through my mind, I thought of the terrible bull on the way up to Morgan’s Falls, of its horns and its cold eyes, and of the feeling I’d had at that moment of some great error having been made to allow a creature so filled with anger to stand unconstrained up on the sunny grass. I heard the Mother’s voice, somewhere behind me on the path, shout: ‘No, Paul, not now and not in this goddam car!’ and saw the lonely woman sitting by herself in Mr Vance’s diner, unnoticed even by the Diner Manager, pressing her forehead against the window towards the dark street outside, and it occurred to me how very much the woman resembled Rosa. But I realized I couldn’t afford to become distracted, that the Sun was likely to leave at any moment, and so I let more thoughts stream through my mind, no longer shaping them into formal words.